Best Fight Ever!

Well folks it this week we have a very special match up in store for you....well not really. It seems Craig has decided to take this week and make nature his bitch once again. As a result we would like to take this opportunity to ask our readership who they would like to see featured as a combatant in a future episode. So feel free to list as many people/zombies/robots/ghosts as you would like in the comments section. The more obscure the better. As an example; Zombie Christopher Reeves Vs Robot, Werewolf Ricardo Mantelban.

Showdown at the Crocodile-Coral

Well folks, here we are at Little Ray's reptile zoo on a surprisingly dry Thursday evening. A pathetic looking crowd of three people (are three people a crowd?) have gathered around a somewhat pathetic looking "crocodile enclosure", pathetic. Craig is busy looking for the toilet and some snacks (in that order) so it is up to yours truly to describe the entrances of our Aussie combatants. Crocodile Dundee has just entered pushing aside the beaded curtain separating this area from the snake "zone". He seems winded from the effort, the years have not been kind. Now we await the Crocodile hunter himself, Steve Irwin (not dead for our purposes but rather in his prime) CRIKIE! he just sprinted in and jumped little Ray! hold on, now he is saying something about "this infuriates the Reptile Zoo owner " wow, nice entrance, Craig may have been right about this match up after all. oh wait I hear flushing.....

Sorry dude, had to kill a brown snake myself, if you know what I mean. I didn't find any snacks though, unless you count a couple tanks full of crickets. A little too crunchy for my liking. Anyway, dude this is a pretty pathetic looking venue Jordan. Most of the reptiles in here are beneath either opponents notice. Maybe that is good because both combatants are sizing each other up. Steve definately looks eager to get into things and seems to be giving commentary on his every move, but I can't seem to hear him from my vantage point. Dundee is looking around nervously, but is now smiling as he whips out once hell of a knife. Steve was momentarily taken aback, but has regained composure and is now trying to hog tie Dundee. Holy shit Jordan, Little Ray must be pretty pissed from being jumped earlier. He has just come screaming into the room throwing an enourmous snake at Steve and Dundee. I think it's an Anaconda if I'm not mistaken, and it also seems to have taken a liking to Dundee.

Damn! I had no idea that an Anaconda was capable of eating Dundee that quickly! Now Irwin has jumped on the back of the bloated snake and is wrestling it into submission! Amazing! Craig what is that noise coming from inside the snake? It sounds like moaning...oh wait I recognize that! Look at that, the big snake is asleep! Dundee hypnotized the snake from the inside! Astounding! Irwin is now "milking" the sedated serpent, pushing the lump that is Dundee forward until finally, eeesh thats nasty! The dozing Anaconda has regurgitated the leathery Paul Hogan! and he is drinking a Fosters king can to boot! Very sportsmanlike behaviour from the Corcodile Hunter there Craig, not something we are used to here at Monday Morning Fight Club!

No Jordan, but that is prime Steve Irwin for you dude. The man was a total pro and treated all wildlife with respect, including one formerly famous Paul Hogan. Steve has now positioned himself on top of a few cages and is sizing up Hogan about to make his move. I think Hogan knows this is hopeless and has resigned himself to just being able to finish his beer. Steve is about to make his move, and "YES" he has pounced onto Dundee. Steve has some weird crocadile lasso wrapped around Hogan's upper jaw and the top of his head. He is making short work of this Jordan. Yup, that is it dude. The Crocodile Hunter is done. He has finished wrangling Dundee and is now giving a short lesson on the natural habitat and beer drinking prowess of the Outback Leatherfaced Aussie.

There you have it folks, Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter and bitched slapped poor old Crocodile Dundee. Thanks for joining us this week on Monday Morning Fight Club!!

All Crocodile Battle!

Well folks this week we have a very special all crocodile battle planned. This hypothetical fight will pit the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin (in his prime crocodile wrestling years) against Crocodile Dundee, Paul Hogan (did he even have "Prime years"?)!

Well Craig I'll start by saying That The Crocodile hunter was one tough bastard! After watching just a few of his exploits you get the sense that this man was fearless! Wresting giant man-eating crocs, wrangling the worlds most poisonous snakes, diving with great whites all seemed par for the course with this guy, and he did it all with a fucking smile. I mean, come on, it took a one in a bazillion shot of a sting ray stinger accidentally piercing his heart to kill the guy! I step on a piece of Lego in bare feet and I'm down for at least 20 minutes! That being said, I have seen "Crocodile Dundee" like 30 times. This guy was smooth! Dundee can hypnotize impressively large animals, take on numerous gunmen, wield a huge knife, and bring his quaint Outback sensibilities to the big city! Not to mention that he can walk across a crowd of people with ease! Plus when he is done all that he gets to nail some hot reporter....I've got to side with Dundee on this one!

Let me start off by saying that this is a great match-up, however, it would also have been interesting to see a zombified version of Steve Irwin take on Dundee. But that might have been in bad taste, and god knows, we never do anything in bad taste. Cock master! But I digress, down to business...Jordan, I cannot believe what I'm hearing. I'm astounded that you would side with Dundee on this one. I'm mean really, "nail some hot reporter". By today's standards she amounts to nothing but 80's trash. Don't get me started on Dundee either, the guys face is so wrinkely and nasty it looks like it has been pounded by more cock than Paris Hilton. Fuck him and his bullshit "Hollywood" Outback sensibilities. Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunting ma'fuck brought the real deal every fucking time, wrestling meaner looking shit than a dried up old Aussie like Paul Hogan. I say The Crocodile Hunter is gonna send Crocodile Dundee packing. Dundee is going to end up drowning his sorrows in an oversized glass of Fosters before taking one more man-cock pounding to his leathery baseball mitt face!

Miniature Epic Battle

Well folks here we are once again, on a beautifully wet Thursday evening, in Hogs back park. The stage is set as the damp but exuberant crowd gathers. We seem to have a disproportionate number of Smurf fans here tonight, they out number the Snork fans 5-1...this has the potential of turning very ugly! One can only hope. There is a food delivery truck backing towards the picnic area...the doors swing open...the Smurfs emerge to an uproarious cheer! They look like a victorious conquering army returning from a successful campaign! Little girls are passing out from a mere glance from Papa Smurf. Grown men are wetting themselves just to get a glimpse of the hyper-sexualized Smurfette! It is a pandemonium of adoration! Truly a remarkable entrance. I can not see how the Snorks will top this one.

What a bunch of jerks these Smurfs are. Look at them strut around the park Jordan, this is shameful, hell even Brainy Smurf is trash talking the Snorks. The Snorks on the other hand are nowehere to be seen Jordan. The Smurfs are calming down, it seems the lack of action is taking a toll on their initial excitement and enthusiasm. Most of the Smurfs are now relaxing next to the water, although it looks like they are keeping a keen eye on the shoreline. Oh my God, what the hell was that. A large number of Snorks just popped out of hidden bunkers scattered throughout the Smurf horde. It's the old rope-a-dope/Red Dawn technique, the Snorks have totally taken the Smurfs by surprise. This is total bedlam, there are Smurfs and Snorks smurfing and snorking everywhere. Meanwhile Smurfette is perched up on a rock flirting with every blue or hoseheaded passerby. The tide might be turning here Jordan, the Smufs who where caught off guard still out number the Snorks 2:1. But wait check this out, the Smurfs have left the shoreline unattended and as the battle rages a second wave of Snorks are emerging from the water in a flanking amphibious assault. Jordan, is this it, is the tide turning on the Smurfs!?!

Craig this battle reminds me of the opening to Lord of the Rings! except much smaller/lamer. The Second wave of Snorks has gained a beachhead and is advancing towards their main force...very tactical. The Snork leader, "All Star", has just beheaded Lazy Smurf and mounted his head on a pole. Gruesome, but an effective psychological weapon to be sure. The Smurfs seem to be in a state of panic, Smurfette has been carryed off the battle field by Greedy Smurf. I think that they may have underestimated their foe. But wait, high on a rock in the center of the battle, Papa Smurf is raising his banner and blowing a miniature horn! This seems to have given the Smurfs a rallying cry, they are starting to re-group! This could be the turning point!

This is fucking ridiculous Jordan, I mean really, a battle between Smurfs and Snorks. Fuck this, I'm stomping the little sonsofbitches! Don't worry I'll give you a detailed play by play. I'm leaving our protected observation area now Jordan and moving at a sluggish pace, maybe as a fast as a mosey, but a little more intense and aggressive, but I'm definately taking my time and not rushing this. My plan is to randomly squash theses fuckers until they decide to leave. Oooomppffff, dammit, I just slipped on something Jordan, it's kind of blueish red, it may have been a Smurf or a half eaten Rocket Popsicle. Whatever, at least I took out the first wave of Snorks when my fatassness landed on them. It looked like they were trying to regroup for a second run at the Smurfs. Fuck those little snorkleheaded biotches. Shit dude, I can't get up. Sonofawhore!!! The Smurfs are going Lilliputian on me man. They've tied down my legs and arms with what looks like a hundred tiny little ropes. I've got a little movement in my torso though, I think their ropes are a little to short for the task.

Dude, can you still hear me? They've stolen the mic out of my hand, crap, I feel some kind of spongy poking in my nether regions...pst don't tell anyone but its not entirely unpleasant....Help dude help, that's my mic they've got down there. Please god NOOOOOOOO!!!!........................

Jordan thanks for freeing me man, that was the longest five minutes of my life, remind me to never get involved in a battle again. I feel so violated and dirty. I think we have to give this one to the Smurfs man. Now please excuse me while I curl up and cry in the shower for a few hours.

Battle of the.....What??? Smurfs Vs Snorks

This week we have those little topless French/Belgian bastards; The Smurfs facing off against the rainbow colored denizens of the deep; The Snorks! With any luck at all we will see these two peace-loving, eco friendly, and unique cultures clash in epic and bloody battle!

Well Craig, I have to say that I am undecided this week. I have no idea who to root for. To the best of my knowledge the Smurfs were never especialy good at anything. They spent most of there time being chased by Gargamel and desperately trying to distinguish themeselves from one another in order to have a slim chance at mating with their sole female; Smurfette. The Snorks aren't much better! Although I seem to remember that they live underwater, saved a guy from a shipwreck, and a couple of them were freaking ROBOTS! Come to think of it they also had several lady Snorks! They could jet around all over the place! Aw Hell, Snorks it is! Those lame as Smurfs are going to have their little blue asses handed to them!

Jordan I gotta say, I'm still in shock over last week's battle. Very bloody and just a tad disturbing, okay maybe more than a tad. But as usual I digress. I'm not sure what to say about this weeks battle. Sure these fuckers are small, but we could have a full blown war on our hands here. After all we are talking about a entire race of beings pitted against one another, not mere individuals. I'm guessing that, no matter who wins this thing, the battle will be epic in proportion. Having said that I'm going with the Snorks. Why, because them bitches can breath under water and on land, brotha. I can just imagine the dumbass Smurfs coming at these guys on some shitty mushroom Smurf boat and the Snorks deep-sixing the entire thing. In the battle of the cutsie turd nuggets I vote Snorks!!

Former Child Star throw down!

Well Craig we have done everything we can to make this an exciting battle. We are here on rare sunny Thursday evening at the Children's Museum inside the Museum of Civilization in Hull/Gatineau. We have stashed several exciting and devastatingly vicious weapons amongst many of the "hands on" exhibits for our favorite former child stars to use. Our audience is made up of unruly, unkempt, daycare wards and the disheveled, malnourished, underpaid ladies that look after them. The screaming has started and the combatants haven't even arrived! Oh wait, correct me if I'm wrong Craig but is that morbidly obese kid two-fisting funnel cake over by the "port" exhibit really Webster?

Yes, Jordan I believe you are correct that is indeed Webster. What a horrible looking mess he turned out to be. Fuck me, but I smell a massive ass whooping about to be laid down. For the love of God do not give that tubby bitch any more cheeseburgers, save those delicious morsels for my fat ass. Mmmmmm. Our surprise guest is also here and in typical fashion a gangly looking Macaulay Culkin is setting up some cheesey looking booby traps throughout the maze of ethnically diverese dwellings. Oh, looky here, now entering the arena is the most hostile little security guard I have ever seen. As if knowing where it was placed Gary Coleman has picked up an evil looking medieval weapon from amongst the fake produce in the fake market, I think its a mace Jordan. Webster is tossing handfuls of funnel cake at Coleman as he approaches, but it isn't doing any good. Gary is determined to end this quickly laying a massive to handed blow to Webster's ample gut. The force of the hit has sent Webster reeling into the cargo ship. Coleman has nimbly jump up onto the platform and seems to be positioning one of the crates over top of Lewis' prone body. Whoa watch your head Jordan, out of nowhere Culkin has swung a couple cement laden paint cans at Coleman. His aim is well off, but he seems to have hit the crate Coleman was working on. Both the crate and the cement filled paint cans have crush poor plump little Webster.

HOT DAMN THAT IS A LOT OF BLOOD AND EFFLUENCE! For those of you at home I can only describe that as; an over sized, happy, toy block mashing a giant, over ripe grape! Truly disturbing in every way conceivable... truly. But whats this? It appears that this fight is far from over! Now little Arnold Drummond is taunting the lifeless body of Webster by repeatedly pressing his ass flesh against the side of the crate...oh wait it seems that some excrement is now in play...eeesh. The various children and soccer moms are now running around , arms flailing, screaming in horror. Good times indeed! I've lost sight of Mr. Coleman... Oh dear! The large, intricately decorated Indian school bus has started up. Gary is behind the wheel, his eyes crazed! UNBELIEVABLE! Mr. Coleman has run over the pile of human remains fromerly known as Emmanuel Lewis! Hard to not watch that again in slow motion, right Craig!

Mmmmmmm cheeseburgers.....Uh, sorry dude was uh, uhhhhhh concentrating on the match!?!? Oh god what happened to Webster, I mean cheeseburg...I mean how the fuck does that happen to someone, geeesh. Coleman is in a blood frenzy now Jordan. I think we should have invited someone a little beefier than poor Macaulay. That skinny little white boy is running scared now man. Arnold's got the crazy eyes going and is looking for the s.o.b. that peppered him with flying mousetraps. Macaulay is on the model Vespa trying to get away, but of course the damn thing won't start. Dude I can't watch this anymore, Coleman is right on top of him. Cheeseburger!?! Lord, I haven't heard that little puke scream like that since he plastered himself with aftershave lotion back in '92. Gruesome Jordan very gruesome.

Well folks, there you have it. Gary Coleman takes this weeks match with a very decisive win over his opponents. Join us again next week for more mayhem, thanks for reading and a big shout out to Darren for brining us this turd filled matchup!

Battle of the Knee-high Turds.

Hi folks this week on Monday Morning Fight Club, a reader submitted midget matchup. Facing off are two champions of 80s child acting, Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman. Now, we've done midgets before so I think we are going to have to mix it up a bit this time. At the last minute before these two losers face-off we are going to throw in 1 more surprise contestant. It could be anybody, so both of these douches could be laid to waste. The question is, who do you think will take less of a pounding, Webster or Arnold?

Jordan, I have to go with Gary Coleman on this one. Not only did he have a better tag line, but he also had more meat on his bones. I also think his post-acting career as a security guard has stretched his rage to the breaking point. I think years of watching himself on "where are they now" shows and trying to chase off drunk idiots will lead to a massive pit-bull like attack on poor little Emmanuel Lewis. Fuck it, who am I kidding, Webster is a puke, he was always trying to muscle in on Arnolds territory. I hope Gary Coleman messes him up good.

I have to agree with you on this one Craig. Coleman is built like a tiny brick shit-house, and seems to have the more aggressive personality besides, isn't he a security guard now or something? You know a guy that size would have to be tough to pull off that gig! ..whereas Webster is barely even memorable. He was short and thin! Now he seems Short and pudgy. I don't think this fight will go more than one round...I just can't see it.

War Between Worlds!

Well Craig, I've racked my brain all week on how we could best illustrate this completely abstract battle and I finally came up with a solution. Here in Orleans or "little O town", if you will, I have constructed our battle lab in a nondescript suburban basement. From our vantage point safe behind a one way mirror, we can see what looks to be an average living space complete with a balls-out gaming PC with a killer monitor and a plush headset, a wicked comfy chair, a big screen television, comfortable sectional couch, bookcases, hell I even took the liberty of putting in a fully stocked mini bar fridge. I propose that we send in three test subjects one at a time, have them log onto World of Warcraft and then we try to distract them with real world temptations!..their behavior will determine what will win this weeks battle!

Sounds like a great plan Jordan, let's not waste anymore time and just bring out our first contestant. I can hear the floor boards creaking now as he descends the basement steps. Whoever this fella is he has come prepared, he's toting a half drank 2 Liter Coke in one hand and bag of BBQ corn chips in the other. He's sitting at the computer and logging into his account. Lets give him a couple minutes in Azeroth before we tempt him though.............. It's been about an hour now and this guy seems pretty pleased with himself as he uses his level 80 pally to bully a group of level 10 players,...what a hero! Fuck this asstard, let's bring in the first of our temptations. Coming down the stairs now is the man's wife dressed in very tasteful but very arousing lingerie. He still hasn't noticed her, but she is now approaching him and bending over beside him pretending to pick something up off the floor. Holy crap, I bet he got whiplash his head spun around so fast. He is absently dusting off a few chip crumbs from his enormous gut as he lurches out of his chair. The game completely forgotten he is now following his rather hot wife up the stairs playing a bit of grab ass while he goes. Jordan I think this round clearly belongs to the Real World, thank you Porn and Sex for another fantastic showing.

Yeah for Porn and Sex! Well lets not waste any time airing out this dank geek cave and bring in our next subject. Lets see, he looks about 6 feet tall, slightly balding, unshaven, carrying a few extra elbees around the equator, sporting a pair of ill-fitting zubaz and a t-shirt he no doubt won in a case of wildcat strong. As before we should let him get fully immersed in the World of Warcraft before we begin...plus I could use a nap.....

...well we are back, Craig has passed out into a can of extreme bbq pringles, I'll let him sleep, he looks so peaceful...maybe he is dreaming of riding on a giant cat of his very own...Lets see, our "Hero" has been at it for four and a half hours,...and by the looks of the pile of empty red bull cans and Jos Louis wrappers he is in it for the long haul. With the first guy we tried sex, lets try something more realistic....Here comes his wife, wearing her unflattering "comfy" clothes, chain smoking and scratching her ass, her legs and armpits clearly unshaven for a long period of time, and she looks pissed! She is now unleashing a high volume, non-stop tirade on this guy! This is inhuman! The stuff she is spouting could make a marine drill Sargent cry! The only break in the verbal abuse is when she pauses to hack up a lung! Our test subject is still playing! He is weathering the barrage pretty well...What's this? It appears that the wife is now letting the kids have a turn...a boy with a rat tail is now pounding randomly on his nuts while a little girl is screaming directly into his ear...our "Hero" has had it...he looks like a broken man...he shuts the computer off and drags his sorry ass back up the stairs. Looks like the real world is 2-0! Poor bastard, If we had the technology from "TRON" I would let that guy live out the rest of his sorry existence Warcraft style! Wake up Craig, I grow weary...

Two down one to go. Bring in the next loser Jordan. Okay this guy looks like a piece of work, I think it is going to be hard to bring this geek down. Let me give you the full picture, Coke bottle glasses, rats nest for hair, Star Trek t-shirt, massive gut, cargo shorts, sandals with black socks, 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, 1 medium pizza, 2 bags of Doritos, mustard stains gallore, kleenex and lube. I really don't want to know what the last two items are for folks. As he goes to sit down it looks like he half summoned the chair to his gargantuan ass, that was kind of creepy, I think this guy was destined to live in the World of Warcraft. Let's try something different this time, let's bombard him with temptations now and not even give him a chance to get settled. Bring in the nagging wife Jordan. Wow this one is a firecracker, talk about wife aggro, she's given him a huge list of uncompleted chores. He so doesn't give a rat's ass though, look at him go, he's really making a push to grind his toon to level 80. Get rid of the wife, let's bring in a few pole dancers and see if he at least whips out the kleenex and lube....No sir, not even the seductive gyrations of 3 very fit ladies can get his attention. Hold on, he is getting out of his chair, maybe he is about to crack. Nope, false alarm, he is heading to the toilet. Oh Lord, he didn't close the door, he seems to be dropping lumber while reading the World of Warcraft User Manual. Good Lord, the ladies are gagging and running up the stairs as fast as they can. Fuck it, bring out everything we've got.....

.....Well Jordan, it's been 5 days since this loser sat down to play. Nothing we've done has broken his spirit yet, I think we might have to give this one to Azeroth. Wait a second, is he choking on something? Nope, I think he is having a heart attack. Don't help him, after that stunt he pulled yesterday with the coat hanger, African Violet, and mayonnaise he deserves to die. Well look at that folks, he is dead, if I had to guess I would say the total lack of exercise, sunlight, sex and real food killed this guy. Hmmmm that's 3 out of 3. I think it's fairly obvious folks but in the end the Real World will always beat the World of Warcraft! Sorry guys you are going to have to shelve your man-ginas eventually.

World of Warcraft vs. The World
Battle of World Domination

Well folks, this week on Monday Morning Fight Club we have an epic battle of abstract entities. On one hand we have the vastly popular MMMOPOROGRPG game World of Warcraft, and on the other we have our very own Real World. Who will win when two worlds collide, only you can decide.

Jordan this could be a very interesting match, I mean the possibilities are endless when you bring in abstract entities. I'm guessing World of Warcraft is going to come in like a lion, I'm seeing massive addictions being handed out left right and center, an overall increase in obesity and less family time. But I think there are probably a few angry wives that are going to tip the scales in favor of the Real World. In their corner we have anger (obviously), withheld sex and the ability to turn off the computer. This should be a good match, geeks beware!!!

Well you've done it now Craig. This high-concept stuff might fly in the world of science and think-tanks but our readership is comprised of salt of the earth, hard working, too much tax paying real people! (plus Paulie only get one vote...unless he hacks our site) That being said, I have to agree with you; WOW is going to come on strong, after all you can live your fantasy of being a man-gina night elf that rides a giant cat and has magical powers! But I think that the real world offerings of potential semi-regular sex, good food, and sleep will win the day! I have a feeling that this fight will come down in a new and exciting format...just what can we cook up to illustrate this weeks battle?

Inventor Invent-off!

Well folks once again we have pulled some strings to set up a very special all-inventor battle here at Monday Morning Fight Club! Tonight's battle will be a slightly different format. The inventors will be given 30 minutes to assemble the best weapon they can out of materials on hand...here at the Ikea warehouse! At the end of thirty minutes, the combatants will face off in a classic "duel" format, the survivor will be crowned the winner. Also, since Ikea is technically Swedish sovereign territory we have a special guest referee; Senators captain and all-round awesome Swede, Daniel Allfedsson! No matter which way this fight goes...I'm not leaving until Alfie signs my favorite "KARLSTAD" chair!

Jordan I don't know what the fuck McGyver is doing but it certainly does not look like he is making a weapon. McMullet has holed up in one of the faux bedrooms and appears to be lighting about a million tiny shitt'n tea candles all over the fucking place, what-a-douche. He is so going to get his ass handed to him, what the hell is he doing!!! Wait a second, here come Ginger and Marianne, they've noticed the tea-candles-aplenty and are coming over to investigate. McGyver is trying to woo them closer with his mullet and bomber jacket. Oh brother! The two floozies seem to be falling for it, they've just stepped into his impromptu bachelor pad and McGyver is now hanging up a few shower curtains to block off the rest of the crowd. Jeez, it's taken McGyver 5 minutes to achieve what the Professor could not in several seasons. Oh my god, and look at that Jordan, while McGyver is hard at work boning the ladies he is also using a spare hand to work a DAMAST lantern, curtain rod and BEDDINGE futon into a Browning M2HB-QCB .50 Caliber machine gun. Fuck me, you have to hand it to him, he just is "that" good.

Well Craig that definitely sounds promising. The Professor has hunkered down here in the "as is" section after dragging a huge bundle of bamboo and rattan crap over from the garden section. In the past ten minutes he has constructed a rather imposing trebuchet out of discarded POANG chairs and BILLY bookcases. Ammunition for his siege weapon seems to be a pile of cast iron cookware no doubt pilfered from the kitchen section on his way through the store. Those things will definitely pack a wallop! He has also made a collection of spears and pungy sticks from bed posts and PAX storage system parts! Also, he seems to have fashioned a rudimentary mace from cookware and lamp parts, he is going all out! He looks like he has finished making his weapons a full 5 minutes early! Fittingly he is spending his remaining time lighting a few whimsical tiki torches around his perimeter! The professor is ready for combat!

Well the ladies have just emerged from McDeuche's private quarters and boy are they looking disheveled, ...happy, content, and melty, but definately disheveled. In a true act of classlessness the mulleteer has smacked Ginger on the ass and indicated to both ladies that they can find a gratuity and bus fare on his nightstand. How nice is that!?! Without giving them a second glance he is now tying a sweatband to his head and grabbing his .50 cal to start hunting professor coconut. Jordan I've followed McGreaser through most of the store now and he is definately having trouble finding the Professor. I think he is getting ready to switch up tactics though. Yes, indeed, McGibblet has ever so gingerly climbed into the ball pit and is simply going to wait till the Professor comes sauntering by....Well we didn't have to wait long, here comes the professor. McGyno is a patient man I'll give him that; he is just sitting back waiting for the Professor to enter his kill zone before he cuts him down. The Professor ain't no slouch though Jordan, I think he has spotted the mullet man in the ball pit. Indeed, McGyver knows the jig is up and is unloading that .50 cal as fast as he can. I can't see what happened to the Professor Jordan, but it sure looks like a war zone in here now.

That homemade cannon is shredding everything in the front entrance area...its a haze of linggenberry and pressed pine...the dust is settling...wait whats this? MacGarknuckle is out of the pit surveying the carnage...He is standing over a pile of furniture rubble where the Professor was standing...A ragged hand is reaching out of the rubble...but that does not look quite right!...that hand is metal! What we thought was the professor was actually a cleverly crafted Professor robot made out of HJUVIK faucets and spare allen keys! This Professor/Ikea/Terminator thingy is grabbing at MacG's greasy mullet! When did the professor have time to build this?!? Now the robot has dragged him over to a crudely marked "x" on the ground by the self checkout and is holding him there! Damn this could be it for MacGyver...even though he led the voting all week! I can see the real Professor in his "as is" fortress leveling a deafining barrage of verbal abuse at MacGyver! He has launched the Catapult...the hang time is impressive...MacG has closed his eyes, anticipating instant death from above...And the Dutchovens decapitate the unsusspecting robot...Marrianne and Ginger come running, lavishing the nearly missed MacGyver with kisses and deep tongue action! This is truly a horrible turn of events for the Professor!

Damn that was a close one Jordan, I thought the Professor had McGloven by the balls for sure. I think the only thing that saved him was the Professor's blind rage at realizing Marianne and Ginger are now used goods. It looks like McGyver lost his weapon in the melee, but is now off to recover it. With his trusty .50 cal in hand he seems to have tracked the Professor to the cafeteria and has him lined up in his sights. The Professor is a broken man Jordan, instead of turning to face his enemy he is busy trying to get the cafeteria staff to sprinkle toasted coconut on his Swedish Meatballs. It looks like McGyver is showing some mercy and sportsmanship, knowing that he has beaten the poor Professor he has decided to do the gentlemanly thing and just smear some $1 hotdogs all over the front of his shirt. The Professor is leaving the store in shame Jordan, leaving McGyver as the uncontested winner in this fight.

Dude, where did Alfie go? He was supposed to sign shit! He must have some important business to attend to! I wonder what that could be?

Straight up Inventor Battle
(making new shit out of other shit)
MacGyver Vs The Professor

Jordan I think this is going to turn out to be a pretty interesting match. On one hand we have the mulleted inventor MacGyver and on the other we have the inventor of all things coconut, the Professor. Whom, by the way, I still think should have boned both Marianne and Ginger. Dude they were soooo ripe for the picking. I mean who else on that island could have serviced those two ladies?? The Skipper, I think not!!! As far as who will win this battle, it's a tough call, I like both these guys and they both have mad skills, yo! However, The Professor never managed to invent anything that got those castaways off their island. MacGyver on the other hand escaped all kinds of shit with nothing but bubble gum, paper clips and elastics. I gotta give the edge to MacGyver on this one dude.

Both of these guys are certified geniuses, I think this fight will be decided by the materials on hand! That being said, Craig, I always thought that the reason the Professor never invented anything like a "boat" was so he could have a crack at a Ginger/ Marianne threesome. Think about it. He's is a dorky nerd. Back in civilization he would never have a chance with a movie star and a hot farmers daughter! But on that Island all he has to compete with is a fat guy with anger issues, a bean-pole retard, and an old rich guy that can't get it up (ordinarily the girls would go for the rich guy regardless of his looks/personality but in this case is fortune was rendered worthless by being stuck on the island). He was biding his time! Not to mention that fucker can make anything out of a handful of coconuts and bamboo! On the other hand, MacGyver has been an icon of cool since 1985! He was the king of throwing shit together and making something cool out of crap lying around. His only weaknesses are; an apparent lack of motivation (they had to twists his arm or trick him into action every fucking episode!), and a strong non violent streak (his mullet is not a weakness, instead it is the source of his powers, like a modern day Samson). I think it will take a lot of motivation for MacGyver to even show up for this weeks battle.

The Royal Showdown

Hi folks and welcome to the Royal Showdown. We have a pretty good crowd here this week at the Sparks Street Chicken and Rib Cook-off. Although Jordan, I'm not sure if most people are here lined up for good eats, or to see a tubby bitch chop socky the shit out of a skinny upstart. Skinny Elvis has just entered the street, it looks like he's got a loaded six-string on his back and is strutting his stuff looking for a scrap. He seems to be headed for the Billy Bones line up. Oh, and that's why. Fat Elvis is waiting in line for food. It looks like he already tried to wrangle a BBQ sauce covered pig or two. His white leather and rhinestone jumpsuit (with tassels of course) is covered in what appears to be a rich full bodied Texas bold rib sauce. Fat Elvis is arguing with the serving wench, it sounds like he is trying to order a BBQ sauce covered fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Nasty. I think he senses Skinny Elvis' approach, he is trying to whip around to face him but he doesn't seem to want to let go of the rack of ribs he ended up ordering. Ooooooo and Skinny Elvis just unloaded his six-string all over Fat Elvis' back, that's gotta hurt.

It looks like that blow leveled Fat Elvis! He is writhing on the ground in pain...no wait, he looks to be eating the ribs and sauce off of the pavement! Thats dedication! Skinny Elvis is distracted by a group of screaming ladies! He can't help himself, he has started gyrating his hips! Fat Elvis has finally finished his ribs and has gingerly made his way to his feet again! Look out Skinny Elvis! Here comes a hunka hunka dry rub right to the eyes! Now Skinny Elvis is the one screaming! Those hot cajun spices are going to work on his giant, doey eyes! Fat Elvis pauses to catch his breath...and then unloads on Skinny Elvis with a series of bizzare karate-like chops and kicks! Skinny Elvis still can't see through a spicy haze of tears as Fat Elvis picks up a pair of fried chickens and starts slapping Skinny Elvis in the face with one of them while he snacks on the other! Astounding!

Jordan, Skinny Elvis started out doing pretty good with that massive guitar attack to Fatty's back, but man has he ever started taking a shit kicking. Fat Elvis has just unloaded another series of Karate chops and kicks on the lean mean hip gyrating machine. Oooh gross, Fat Elvis just grabbed Skinny Elvis by the hair, bent over and farted right in his face. Oh lord, and Skinny Elvis had his mouth open to top it off.... Do you think it smells like BBQ sauce, hmmm? Oh, oh sorry back to the fight... My my, Fat Elvis seems to have ripped the ass out of his pants pulling that sick maneuver. He looks pretty embarrassed and is apologizing to the crowd, "uhuhhh s'cuse meh folksh, m-m-my bhad". Fucking nasty greasy fatty. I don't think that's gonna slow him down for long Jordan, he just stole a sauce covered rib off someone's plate and seems to be using it to power back up to optimum fatty ass kicking level.

If Skinny Elvis stands a chance he has to take advantage of this lul in the beat down...He seems to be looking around franticly! He sees an opening in the crowd. He lunges for it! A group of middle aged women have appeared from out of nowhere and blocked his path! The women are tearing at Skinny Elvis clothes, screaming with delight! Craig, I've lost sight of Fat Elvis! This is chaos! Whats this? I just got a very powerful waft of B.O., BBQ, and Egg Fart! GOOD LORD! Fat Elvis is emerging from a giant vat of "Hotter than Hell's tight red ruby starfish Hot Sauce"! Skinny Elivs is paralized with fear...except for his hips, which are still gyrating! He's caught in a trap, and he can't walk out! DAMN! Skiny Elvis just voided his bowls! Fat Elvis is closing the distance...slowly...painfully slow...he raises up a puffy, ring covered, pasty hand.."We can't go on together!" EESH! That had to be it! Fat Elvis just tipped himself over onto Skinny Elvis! Its just a pile of sequens, sauce and saggy flesh now. A hush has fallen over this crowd...Neither Elvis is getting up...This better not be another fucking tie! "BWAARRRPPPP!" -cough- -cough- SWEET HAMMER OF THOR! Fat Elvis just let out a thunderous belch... the fumes have leveled half the crowd! The big guy is up on his feet...rubbing his thighs in a repetative up and down motion. It appears that he just needed to make some room! FAT ELVIS IS FUCKING EATING SKINNY ELVIS! Now that is a decisive victory! Any idea how this may affect the space-time-elvis continuum?

Battle of the Kings

Hi folks and welcome to this weeks BATTLE OF THE KINGS. Here we have two unlikely combatants, whom I'm sure you would not expect to find battling each other. We pulled a few strings, we've woken the dead, and we've messed with the the space time continuum to bring you this battle. Here you have it folks, Skinny Elvis versus Fat Elvis.

Dude you gotta love the King,...uh'm Kings that is! Elvis had class man, even when he was a tubby fried peanut butter and banana sandwich eating mofo. As much as I hate ties, that is how I'm calling this one. After all how can the same guy beat himself. Skinny Elvis has youth and agility on his side, but Fat Elvis has a definite weight advantage as well as years of experience fending off hordes of groupies. Jordan, how do you see this playing out?



Well Craig this is a tough one to call. Skinny Elvis may have agility and stamina on his side but he foolishly squandered his early years filming crap surfing movies in a vain attempt at being James Dean. Fat Elvis, although lacking an athletic aesthetic, spent his time on a strict fried-food and mind-altering drug regimen, was a deputy sheriff, loved kung fu, and shot many a television! If Fat Elvis can stay lucid enough, I think he might have enough experience and reckless abandon to stick it to his younger self...If he doesn't die on the toilet again that is!

Super Zero suckfest!

Well Craig, I'm glad we pulled some strings this week and re-opened the Smithfalls Hershey factory! The smell of chocolate and candy permeate the air. If this fight doesn't start soon I'm bound to wander off and gourge myself on tasty sundries... A small crowd of middle aged women in hair nets has gathered to witness this titanic battle of 80's super hero has-beens; The Greatest American Hero faces Condorman! The voting has been tight all week, neither combatant seems to be the clear favorite. I see the Condor-mobile in the parking lot but have yet to spot Condorman. I can only assume that both of these retards will be late.

Jordan, I can see USA's Greatest Hoser from here. That awful 80's shittard afro can be seen from space you know, true story. If you look closely he is trying to get into his obviously too small outfit from here. He looks like a red Q-tip with some severely squished bug nuts. Condorman has also entered the "arena" and is macking on some eastern European hairnet lady down by the Reese's Peanut Butter cup sorting machine. The Greatest American Hero has noticed Condorman and has whipped out his instruction manual. He is furiously searching for something, and wait, he appears to have found it. This is amazing Jordan, actually it's not, it's pretty lame for a superhero,...he is slowly lifting off the ground. Fuck me, this is embarrassing, it looks like he is going to fall over any second. For the love of GOD can we not get anyone good on this show...sorry I digress. He is now lamely rocketing toward Condorman, this is definitely going to hurt someone. OOOooo and that someone is Condorman, he has been shoved face first into a bin of rejected Peanut Butter Cups, there is chocolate and peanut butter all over his face. Hardly dangerous, but kind of embarrassing. Wait, hold on a second, it appears as though he is going into anaphalectic shock. I guess Greatest American Hero isn't the only one with nut problems here today.

Right you are Craig! Can't say I saw that nut allergy coming! Why would his agent even approve this venue?!? I must be hard times in the Loser Hero racket. Condorman seems to be recovering though...he seems to have stabbed himself in the heart with a condor-themed giant syringe...that was grisly. He aims some sort of net gun thingy at the Greatest American Fuck-Tard and...misses horribly...the net has captured a few of the middle aged ladies...they are scurrying about furiously like a bunch of scared cats tied together...and they have accidentally hit the release valve on a huge vat of molten Oh Henry fudge filling...damn that looks hot and messy. The ensuing tidal wave of goo has engulfed and immobilized both of our combatants...Fuck these guys are lame...this better end quickly, I'm starting to feel the need for mass amounts of "rejected" chocolate. Whats this? It looks like the GAH's suit is glowing and vibrating wildly...he has managed to get himself free of the goo. It also appears that Condorman has managed to free himself with the use of another condor-themed gadget...this time it looks like a Craftsman rechargeable hand held grinder with a cutting wheel attached...with a crappy hand drawn condor logo taped to it...man this guy is lame! Craig I've had it with this shit, hand me that "worlds largest chocolate bar", It's about time these guys taste my pain!

Ahhh, dude, you should really stay out of this, you don't want to be associated with two losers. And NOOOOOOO Nicole I don't mean Jordan and I. Jordan seriously man, put down the chocolate bar. Oh God, I can't watch this folks. Jordan is going ape-shit on the two super losers. He has given GAH the jersey-over-the-head hockey treatment and has tied him to one of the candy bar wrapping machines. Now he is beating Condorman into submission with the giant chocolate bar. There is blood and gooey brown stuff everywhere, if we weren't in a chocolate factory I would swear it was Condorman's first night in jail. And speaking of things you might find in a jail, jordan has now rammed condorman's head straight up GAH's red spandex balloon knot.

Folks, it looks like this one is over. Jordan just left the building in disgust. Sad to say this one ends in a tie. Now you'll excuse me as I attempt to escape the fart cloud that is Smithfalls.