Straight up Inventor Battle
(making new shit out of other shit)
MacGyver Vs The Professor

Jordan I think this is going to turn out to be a pretty interesting match. On one hand we have the mulleted inventor MacGyver and on the other we have the inventor of all things coconut, the Professor. Whom, by the way, I still think should have boned both Marianne and Ginger. Dude they were soooo ripe for the picking. I mean who else on that island could have serviced those two ladies?? The Skipper, I think not!!! As far as who will win this battle, it's a tough call, I like both these guys and they both have mad skills, yo! However, The Professor never managed to invent anything that got those castaways off their island. MacGyver on the other hand escaped all kinds of shit with nothing but bubble gum, paper clips and elastics. I gotta give the edge to MacGyver on this one dude.

Both of these guys are certified geniuses, I think this fight will be decided by the materials on hand! That being said, Craig, I always thought that the reason the Professor never invented anything like a "boat" was so he could have a crack at a Ginger/ Marianne threesome. Think about it. He's is a dorky nerd. Back in civilization he would never have a chance with a movie star and a hot farmers daughter! But on that Island all he has to compete with is a fat guy with anger issues, a bean-pole retard, and an old rich guy that can't get it up (ordinarily the girls would go for the rich guy regardless of his looks/personality but in this case is fortune was rendered worthless by being stuck on the island). He was biding his time! Not to mention that fucker can make anything out of a handful of coconuts and bamboo! On the other hand, MacGyver has been an icon of cool since 1985! He was the king of throwing shit together and making something cool out of crap lying around. His only weaknesses are; an apparent lack of motivation (they had to twists his arm or trick him into action every fucking episode!), and a strong non violent streak (his mullet is not a weakness, instead it is the source of his powers, like a modern day Samson). I think it will take a lot of motivation for MacGyver to even show up for this weeks battle.

The Royal Showdown

Hi folks and welcome to the Royal Showdown. We have a pretty good crowd here this week at the Sparks Street Chicken and Rib Cook-off. Although Jordan, I'm not sure if most people are here lined up for good eats, or to see a tubby bitch chop socky the shit out of a skinny upstart. Skinny Elvis has just entered the street, it looks like he's got a loaded six-string on his back and is strutting his stuff looking for a scrap. He seems to be headed for the Billy Bones line up. Oh, and that's why. Fat Elvis is waiting in line for food. It looks like he already tried to wrangle a BBQ sauce covered pig or two. His white leather and rhinestone jumpsuit (with tassels of course) is covered in what appears to be a rich full bodied Texas bold rib sauce. Fat Elvis is arguing with the serving wench, it sounds like he is trying to order a BBQ sauce covered fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Nasty. I think he senses Skinny Elvis' approach, he is trying to whip around to face him but he doesn't seem to want to let go of the rack of ribs he ended up ordering. Ooooooo and Skinny Elvis just unloaded his six-string all over Fat Elvis' back, that's gotta hurt.

It looks like that blow leveled Fat Elvis! He is writhing on the ground in pain...no wait, he looks to be eating the ribs and sauce off of the pavement! Thats dedication! Skinny Elvis is distracted by a group of screaming ladies! He can't help himself, he has started gyrating his hips! Fat Elvis has finally finished his ribs and has gingerly made his way to his feet again! Look out Skinny Elvis! Here comes a hunka hunka dry rub right to the eyes! Now Skinny Elvis is the one screaming! Those hot cajun spices are going to work on his giant, doey eyes! Fat Elvis pauses to catch his breath...and then unloads on Skinny Elvis with a series of bizzare karate-like chops and kicks! Skinny Elvis still can't see through a spicy haze of tears as Fat Elvis picks up a pair of fried chickens and starts slapping Skinny Elvis in the face with one of them while he snacks on the other! Astounding!

Jordan, Skinny Elvis started out doing pretty good with that massive guitar attack to Fatty's back, but man has he ever started taking a shit kicking. Fat Elvis has just unloaded another series of Karate chops and kicks on the lean mean hip gyrating machine. Oooh gross, Fat Elvis just grabbed Skinny Elvis by the hair, bent over and farted right in his face. Oh lord, and Skinny Elvis had his mouth open to top it off.... Do you think it smells like BBQ sauce, hmmm? Oh, oh sorry back to the fight... My my, Fat Elvis seems to have ripped the ass out of his pants pulling that sick maneuver. He looks pretty embarrassed and is apologizing to the crowd, "uhuhhh s'cuse meh folksh, m-m-my bhad". Fucking nasty greasy fatty. I don't think that's gonna slow him down for long Jordan, he just stole a sauce covered rib off someone's plate and seems to be using it to power back up to optimum fatty ass kicking level.

If Skinny Elvis stands a chance he has to take advantage of this lul in the beat down...He seems to be looking around franticly! He sees an opening in the crowd. He lunges for it! A group of middle aged women have appeared from out of nowhere and blocked his path! The women are tearing at Skinny Elvis clothes, screaming with delight! Craig, I've lost sight of Fat Elvis! This is chaos! Whats this? I just got a very powerful waft of B.O., BBQ, and Egg Fart! GOOD LORD! Fat Elvis is emerging from a giant vat of "Hotter than Hell's tight red ruby starfish Hot Sauce"! Skinny Elivs is paralized with fear...except for his hips, which are still gyrating! He's caught in a trap, and he can't walk out! DAMN! Skiny Elvis just voided his bowls! Fat Elvis is closing the distance...slowly...painfully slow...he raises up a puffy, ring covered, pasty hand.."We can't go on together!" EESH! That had to be it! Fat Elvis just tipped himself over onto Skinny Elvis! Its just a pile of sequens, sauce and saggy flesh now. A hush has fallen over this crowd...Neither Elvis is getting up...This better not be another fucking tie! "BWAARRRPPPP!" -cough- -cough- SWEET HAMMER OF THOR! Fat Elvis just let out a thunderous belch... the fumes have leveled half the crowd! The big guy is up on his feet...rubbing his thighs in a repetative up and down motion. It appears that he just needed to make some room! FAT ELVIS IS FUCKING EATING SKINNY ELVIS! Now that is a decisive victory! Any idea how this may affect the space-time-elvis continuum?

Battle of the Kings

Hi folks and welcome to this weeks BATTLE OF THE KINGS. Here we have two unlikely combatants, whom I'm sure you would not expect to find battling each other. We pulled a few strings, we've woken the dead, and we've messed with the the space time continuum to bring you this battle. Here you have it folks, Skinny Elvis versus Fat Elvis.

Dude you gotta love the King,...uh'm Kings that is! Elvis had class man, even when he was a tubby fried peanut butter and banana sandwich eating mofo. As much as I hate ties, that is how I'm calling this one. After all how can the same guy beat himself. Skinny Elvis has youth and agility on his side, but Fat Elvis has a definite weight advantage as well as years of experience fending off hordes of groupies. Jordan, how do you see this playing out?



Well Craig this is a tough one to call. Skinny Elvis may have agility and stamina on his side but he foolishly squandered his early years filming crap surfing movies in a vain attempt at being James Dean. Fat Elvis, although lacking an athletic aesthetic, spent his time on a strict fried-food and mind-altering drug regimen, was a deputy sheriff, loved kung fu, and shot many a television! If Fat Elvis can stay lucid enough, I think he might have enough experience and reckless abandon to stick it to his younger self...If he doesn't die on the toilet again that is!

Super Zero suckfest!

Well Craig, I'm glad we pulled some strings this week and re-opened the Smithfalls Hershey factory! The smell of chocolate and candy permeate the air. If this fight doesn't start soon I'm bound to wander off and gourge myself on tasty sundries... A small crowd of middle aged women in hair nets has gathered to witness this titanic battle of 80's super hero has-beens; The Greatest American Hero faces Condorman! The voting has been tight all week, neither combatant seems to be the clear favorite. I see the Condor-mobile in the parking lot but have yet to spot Condorman. I can only assume that both of these retards will be late.

Jordan, I can see USA's Greatest Hoser from here. That awful 80's shittard afro can be seen from space you know, true story. If you look closely he is trying to get into his obviously too small outfit from here. He looks like a red Q-tip with some severely squished bug nuts. Condorman has also entered the "arena" and is macking on some eastern European hairnet lady down by the Reese's Peanut Butter cup sorting machine. The Greatest American Hero has noticed Condorman and has whipped out his instruction manual. He is furiously searching for something, and wait, he appears to have found it. This is amazing Jordan, actually it's not, it's pretty lame for a superhero,...he is slowly lifting off the ground. Fuck me, this is embarrassing, it looks like he is going to fall over any second. For the love of GOD can we not get anyone good on this show...sorry I digress. He is now lamely rocketing toward Condorman, this is definitely going to hurt someone. OOOooo and that someone is Condorman, he has been shoved face first into a bin of rejected Peanut Butter Cups, there is chocolate and peanut butter all over his face. Hardly dangerous, but kind of embarrassing. Wait, hold on a second, it appears as though he is going into anaphalectic shock. I guess Greatest American Hero isn't the only one with nut problems here today.

Right you are Craig! Can't say I saw that nut allergy coming! Why would his agent even approve this venue?!? I must be hard times in the Loser Hero racket. Condorman seems to be recovering though...he seems to have stabbed himself in the heart with a condor-themed giant syringe...that was grisly. He aims some sort of net gun thingy at the Greatest American Fuck-Tard and...misses horribly...the net has captured a few of the middle aged ladies...they are scurrying about furiously like a bunch of scared cats tied together...and they have accidentally hit the release valve on a huge vat of molten Oh Henry fudge filling...damn that looks hot and messy. The ensuing tidal wave of goo has engulfed and immobilized both of our combatants...Fuck these guys are lame...this better end quickly, I'm starting to feel the need for mass amounts of "rejected" chocolate. Whats this? It looks like the GAH's suit is glowing and vibrating wildly...he has managed to get himself free of the goo. It also appears that Condorman has managed to free himself with the use of another condor-themed gadget...this time it looks like a Craftsman rechargeable hand held grinder with a cutting wheel attached...with a crappy hand drawn condor logo taped to it...man this guy is lame! Craig I've had it with this shit, hand me that "worlds largest chocolate bar", It's about time these guys taste my pain!

Ahhh, dude, you should really stay out of this, you don't want to be associated with two losers. And NOOOOOOO Nicole I don't mean Jordan and I. Jordan seriously man, put down the chocolate bar. Oh God, I can't watch this folks. Jordan is going ape-shit on the two super losers. He has given GAH the jersey-over-the-head hockey treatment and has tied him to one of the candy bar wrapping machines. Now he is beating Condorman into submission with the giant chocolate bar. There is blood and gooey brown stuff everywhere, if we weren't in a chocolate factory I would swear it was Condorman's first night in jail. And speaking of things you might find in a jail, jordan has now rammed condorman's head straight up GAH's red spandex balloon knot.

Folks, it looks like this one is over. Jordan just left the building in disgust. Sad to say this one ends in a tie. Now you'll excuse me as I attempt to escape the fart cloud that is Smithfalls.

80's Super-Zero's Battle!

This week Monday Morning Fight Club offers a stunning match up of 80's inept super heroes. In one corner we have; The Greatest American Hero. In the other; Condorman! Who will beat their opponent into cheesy submission?

Well Craig I have to say I'm on the fence with this weeks combatants. Condorman was a childhood favorite. He had a sweet car, sweet boat, and an awesome costume with working wings! Not to mention a crazy good theme song! He came across like a goofy, good natured Batman. But like Batman, he has no super powers. The Greatest American Hero on the other hand is sporting a crazy powerful set of alien made tights. Check out his checklist of super powers; Flight, Super Strength, Invulnerability, Invisibility, Precognition, Telekenisis, X-ray Vision, Super Speed, Pyro Kenesis, Holographic vision, Shrinking, and Psychometry! Even if he is the biggest tool in the world, The Greatest American Hero has a crazy unfair advantage! I just don't see Condorman pulling this one out of his ass!

Dude, the Greatest American Hero is a deuche, plain and simple. Afro haired mother fucker with no idea how to use his powers. He was so pathetic he needed a freakin' instruction manual. L-O-S-E-R!! Condorman may have been like Batman, but he also kick some ass, just like Batman. Here's the breakdown. Greatest American Zero is gonna come at Condorman like a mongoloid hero, all powers but no idea how to use them, big afro flopping around in the wind. Condorman is gonna bust his super car out of it's gypsy-cart disguise and run Greatest American Zero down in his tracks. End of fight.

Don't forget to vote folks, every vote saves a puppy from black market organ thieves!

Terrible yet Tasty Tag Team Take Down!

Well Craig here we are, thanks to the modern miracle of poorly written blog/fiction, deep inside the bowels of local television personality, and avid rat-tail wearer, Max Keeping. Safe inside our Monday Morning Fight Club mini sub we gaze out into the cavernous expanse of Mr. Keepings colon eagerly awaiting the miniaturization and arrival of our Fast Food Mogul Combatants! Little does Max know but we scheduled this little throw down to coincide with Thursdays evening news broadcast! It's a good thing you had the foresight to send Mr Keeping a care basket laden with fast food sundries...looking around this disgusting cavern of a colon I can readily spot pieces of undigested Baconator, A Quaterpounder with cheese (also know as a Royal with Cheese), A Whopper and...greasy chicken bones!!!! Good lord, did he swallow the 3 piece dinner whole?!?

Mmmmmm a belly full of dirty bird does the body good. Looky here the combatants are being squeezed through the pyloric sphincter (yes folks you have more than one sphincter in your body, the starfish is just the most popular). The first one being squeezed through is none other than everybody's favorite red head grease wench, Wendy. She is followed closely by red neck coque sucker Colonel Sanders. Both of them look extra greasy and ready to rumble. A rusty coloured crown has just been passed followed by a creepy looking court jester, or king, it's kind of hard to tell, must be the Burger King. Jordan here comes a gigantic red afro, that can mean only one thing, Lucky Ron has entered the arena. Look at that though, his gigantic gay rubber shoes have become logged in the sphincter and he is just dangling there like a circus sized dingle-berry. The Colonel is not wasting any time, he has whipped out a cane and is thrashing Lucky Ron across the back blow after vicious blow.

Right you are Craig, we are witnessing quite the merciless beating! Who knew the old guy had it in him! But the Colonel should be careful, he seems so enthralled by his own handiwork he does not notice the Burger King sneaking up behind him...Hot Damn! Wendy just came out of nowhere and brained the King with what only could be the sorry remnants of a McRib patty! They haven't served those for years! Hang on Craig! this whole colon is starting to spasm...we must have reached a grease/crap equilibrium...we are getting pushed along Mr Keeping's unkempt G.I. tract... Ronald Mcdonald has seized his moment in the confusion and slipped out of his giant gay shoes...The Colonel is off balance as Lucky Ron belts him with a gigantic Muppet Baby Happy Meal toy! WTF?!? Did Max swallow that too? Those came out in 1987! Hang on again, we are getting another tremor...

Jordan it looks like that last colo-spasm has landed all of us just outside the pearly gates of Max's rectum. Contrary to popular opinion, there are no hamsters in here, I just want to make that clear to our audience. However, I'm still trying to figure out where all these mushroom shaped scars came from....odd to say the least. I'm pretty sure Wendy and the Colonel are about to go in for the kill now. After losing her weapon Wendy has grabbed a rather sharp looking peanut out of the myriad of crevices surrounding us, and the Colonel has found and old piece of bubble gum from 50 years ago. Yes, while they were still dazed from our entry into the large intestine Wendy has resumed her poundings on the Burger King's gigantic plastic-rubber cranium and Colonel Sanders has hog tied Ronny with the ancient piece of gum. I can feel another spasm coming on Jordan I think it is high time for us to exit this old dude.

Good Lord that was a violent bowel evacuation! Luckily our mini sub is protecting us from the bulk of the horrors we witnessed, but the filters are starting to crap out and the stink is becoming unbearable...Although my eyes are watering furiously I can make out that Wendy and the Colonel rode out the shit tsunami on a bacon raft no doubt built from the 40 or so bacon strips in a baconator. The Colonel is in full control however paddling comfortably with a chicken bone oar... Ronald and the King didn't fare so well Ronald is face down in the bowl, hog tied with ancient chewing gum and the King lies lifeless, a gaping peanut wound in his massive turd encrusted cranium...truly grizzly Craig, grizzly. Wendy and the Colonel are having themselves a heart-warming chuckle over frosties gazing down at their fallen adversaries...Personally I don;t know how they can stomach some brown soft serve at a time like this...but to each his own...Craig? Craig! Put down that bacon...it's not sanitary!

And there you have it folks, our messiest melt down yet. Special thanks to Philly for the combatant suggestion! Keep 'em coming! Stay tuned next week when Craig and I pull another match up out of our asses!

Fast Food Fight!!!

Well folks, welcome to one of my favorite subjects, Fast Food. This week's battle brings you a tag team match of some of your favorite artery clogging merchants of death. In one corner we have Colonel Sanders and Wendy versus Ronald McDonald and the Burger King. All combatants have proved at one point or another that they can loosen your bowels and empty your stomach, not to mention induce massive heart attacks, but can they fight!?! Which cuisonators will reign supreme, only you can decide.

Jordan, let me start by saying "I love this match-up". I'm sure volume's could be written about each of these combatants and their exploits. Here in one match we have 4 individuals that have killed more people than the rest of our former combatants combined. Not to mention that they are spearheading a global fatass epidemic, the likes of which is trying to take me out with it. So let's break it down. On one side we have choke and puke golden boy Ronald McDonald and his second rate biatch The Burger King. Both these guys serve up some substandard shitpatty but probably have a combined death count in the millions. On the other hand we have dirty bird founder Colonel Sanders and his little lady Wendy. In terms of being able to make an individual sick from a single serving I gotta go with Colonel Sanders and his delicious smelling but gut wrenching chicken. All in all though I think I'm going to have to go with Lucky Ron and The King, in the end they suck ass more than Colonel Sanders and Wendy. I love Wendy and her Baconator is genius. GENIUS!!! She could never kill me, never.......I think.

Right you are Craig, these four represent the cream of the shitty food crop! In their florescent light bathed, bleach soaked, greasy lairs our contestants are devising strategy, refining their skills, and cooking up new schemes on how to annihilate each other! This will be a tough week to choke down! How can a pedophilic clown and bobble-headed king defeat a decorated (I'm assuming) military officer and a square patty flinging gingerkind? I predict that the voting this week will very much follow our individual readers tastes. Be sure to vote and stay tuned to find out who will gain Fast-food supremacy! Who will win our knock down, drag out, no holds bared, death match, street fight, throw down, to the death?!?

Blockbuster Beat-Down!

Well Craig, here we are again eagerly waiting for our fighters to arrive. A rather large crowd has gathered here at Kanata Centrum, just outside the AMC. Considering that this place is one giant parking cluster-fuck, I did not expect the turn out we have. There is a loud humming and a perfect sphere or lightning has appeared just infront of the sushi restaraunt...Its a naked John Conner, evidently coming back in time to participate in this weeks match up. He looks...well...squinty and somewhat sleep deprived...Oh whats this? That sound effect can only mean one thing...our next fighter, Spock has just beamed in and he is squating for some reason..and he looks shiny...lens flares abound! That makes two fighters, now we are just waiting on Wolverine...Wow the Best Buy just exploded...Wolverine is walking out of the flames! In slow motion! wow what an unimaginative standard action movie entrance! He looks smokey...and pissed!

Jordan, the three combatants are now facing off in a crudely formed ring in front of the AMC. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife, the only sound is the shitty 50's music they play to keep the skaters away. John Connor is stepping forward and boy does he look pissed. He's picking some kid out of the crowd and screaming at him in absolute rage. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? The kid is now saying sorry, for what, I still don't know. "NO I DON"T WANT SORRY, I WANT YOU OFF THIS FUCKING SET? What the hell is he talking about?? "THINK FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND!! DON'T YOU THINK IT'S DISTRACTING WHEN YOU ARE WALKING AROUND IN THE BACKGROUND....". John better watch out Jordan. While he's still busy raging at this poor kid it looks like Wolvie is going to take matter's into his own hands. Ouch, Wolverine just muttered "hold this bub" while crushing out his cigar on Spock's forehead. While Spock is muttering something about being "illogical" Wolverine is purposefully striding across to John Connor. John is still screaming and does not seem to notice Wolverine approaching him from the rear. Oooooo and in one fluid motion Wolverine has clawed John Connor through the back and out the chest in a vicious double fisted uppercut. That must have made John Connor soil his pants, and well shut him up too.

Right you are Craig! He straight up murdered John Conner! Humanity is fucked! The Machines will win! Spock is just standing there looking rather un-interested as Wolverine waits for something to explode...Whats this? Craig, it appears that another lightning-ball-from-the-future is materializing right inbetween our remaining combatants! Its...Its...a naked female Vulcan!!! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING! She seems to have peeked Spocks interest! I hear the classic Trek danger music! Amazing! Spock is getting a Vulcan-Pon-Far-Bonner! Some one from the crowd has handed him a rake with a hoe duct-taped to the other end. Wolverine is still waiting for Conners body to explode!!! He does not see Spock coming!! DAMN! Spock just connected with his Hoe/Rake! If it wasn't for his unpronounceable metal skeleton, we would be calling this fight right now...But instead, Wolverine just looks pissed!

Spock ain't no fool, he knows he is in trouble now. He's scanning the crowd for a red shirt but can't find anything but a few Sens fans. He's really looking desperate now. It looks like Spock has just remembered something. He's patting his sides, and yes, he found his phaser. This could be good. Oh my Wolvie just took a massive blast right to the chest. He's on the ground twitching,...now still,..wait for it, wait for it,...yes he is getting back up. That bonehead Spock only had the phaser set to stun. Wolverine is growling now arms outstretched blades gleaming and is now charging Spock. Whoa Spock has ducked at the last second and come up behind Wolverine with a Vulcan Neck Pinch. But what's this, he must have been hurried, his ring finger is slightly out of position and instead of putting Wolverine to sleep he is sending him into a massive clawing frenzy.

Good, sweet, tiny-handed, baby Jesus that was a lot of blood! How could Spock have missed with the Vulcan-Nerve pinch? Wolverine just annihilated him! Wait for it....There it is what was left of Spock just exploded and Wolverine, true to form, is walking away from it in slow motion lighting yet another stogie...cliche, but classic! And there you have it folks...He led the voting all week, so it should come as no surprise that Wolverine is the winner of the summer blockbuster beatdown! Now if we are lucky he will go slaughter everyone over at skynet and save humanity...

Mother Fucker should have come as Sylar, biatch!

Summer Blockbuster Death Match

Hi folks and welcome to this weeks edition of Monday Morning Fight Club. This week we bring you a few summer favorites. Spock, John Conner, and Wolverine. This is a 3 way death match, last one with a heartbeat wins the day.

Jordan, this is great, another craptastic summer of re-imagined Hollywood shit. But even now and then a few golden nuggets of turd will fall out of Hollywood's massive golden ass. We've picked three film heroes today that will hopefully shine through the refuse. Although we have some real contenders here this week I think I still have to side with Wolverine on this one. Simple fact is the mofo can regenerate, 'nuff said. I mean here is a dude that had the adamantium ripped off his bones by Magneto and still lived. You gotta be a tough mother fucker to do that. He is gonna stuff poor old spock right up John Conners robot infested arse hole.

Well Craig, first off this is not the kind of match up that I think of when someone mentions; "three way" and B, this is hardly a fair fight. Spock is only useful in a fight if he is horny and has one of these doo-hickeys, and John Conner almost always gets a terminator to do his fighting for him (if he thought ahead and sent a reprogrammed one back from the future). Wolverine, on the other hand, is always looking for a fight, not to mention the fact that he tends to go on a berserker rampage fairly often and straight up murders who-ever he happens to be pointed at. I'm with you on this one, Wolverine all the way.