Well Craig, I'm glad we pulled some strings this week and re-opened the Smithfalls Hershey factory! The smell of chocolate and candy permeate the air. If this fight doesn't start soon I'm bound to wander off and gourge myself on tasty sundries... A small crowd of middle aged women in hair nets has gathered to witness this titanic battle of 80's super hero has-beens; The Greatest American Hero faces Condorman! The voting has been tight all week, neither combatant seems to be the clear favorite. I see the Condor-mobile in the parking lot but have yet to spot Condorman. I can only assume that both of these retards will be late.
Jordan, I can see USA's Greatest Hoser from here. That awful 80's shittard afro can be seen from space you know, true story. If you look closely he is trying to get into his obviously too small outfit from here. He looks like a red Q-tip with some severely squished bug nuts. Condorman has also entered the "arena" and is macking on some eastern European hairnet lady down by the Reese's Peanut Butter cup sorting machine. The Greatest American Hero has noticed Condorman and has whipped out his instruction manual. He is furiously searching for something, and wait, he appears to have found it. This is amazing Jordan, actually it's not, it's pretty lame for a superhero,...he is slowly lifting off the ground. Fuck me, this is embarrassing, it looks like he is going to fall over any second. For the love of GOD can we not get anyone good on this show...sorry I digress. He is now lamely rocketing toward Condorman, this is definitely going to hurt someone. OOOooo and that someone is Condorman, he has been shoved face first into a bin of rejected Peanut Butter Cups, there is chocolate and peanut butter all over his face. Hardly dangerous, but kind of embarrassing. Wait, hold on a second, it appears as though he is going into anaphalectic shock. I guess Greatest American Hero isn't the only one with nut problems here today.
Right you are Craig! Can't say I saw that nut allergy coming! Why would his agent even approve this venue?!? I must be hard times in the Loser Hero racket. Condorman seems to be recovering though...he seems to have stabbed himself in the heart with a condor-themed giant syringe...that was grisly. He aims some sort of net gun thingy at the Greatest American Fuck-Tard and...misses horribly...the net has captured a few of the middle aged ladies...they are scurrying about furiously like a bunch of scared cats tied together...and they have accidentally hit the release valve on a huge vat of molten Oh Henry fudge filling...damn that looks hot and messy. The ensuing tidal wave of goo has engulfed and immobilized both of our combatants...Fuck these guys are lame...this better end quickly, I'm starting to feel the need for mass amounts of "rejected" chocolate. Whats this? It looks like the GAH's suit is glowing and vibrating wildly...he has managed to get himself free of the goo. It also appears that Condorman has managed to free himself with the use of another condor-themed gadget...this time it looks like a Craftsman rechargeable hand held grinder with a cutting wheel attached...with a crappy hand drawn condor logo taped to it...man this guy is lame! Craig I've had it with this shit, hand me that "worlds largest chocolate bar", It's about time these guys taste my pain!
Ahhh, dude, you should really stay out of this, you don't want to be associated with two losers. And NOOOOOOO Nicole I don't mean Jordan and I. Jordan seriously man, put down the chocolate bar. Oh God, I can't watch this folks. Jordan is going ape-shit on the two super losers. He has given GAH the jersey-over-the-head hockey treatment and has tied him to one of the candy bar wrapping machines. Now he is beating Condorman into submission with the giant chocolate bar. There is blood and gooey brown stuff everywhere, if we weren't in a chocolate factory I would swear it was Condorman's first night in jail. And speaking of things you might find in a jail, jordan has now rammed condorman's head straight up GAH's red spandex balloon knot.
Folks, it looks like this one is over. Jordan just left the building in disgust. Sad to say this one ends in a tie. Now you'll excuse me as I attempt to escape the fart cloud that is Smithfalls.
Get out of my head! Losers. :P
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