Bounty Hunter....Hunt down?!?

Well its an exciting week this week on Monday Morning Fight Club! We have the sweet, yet epic match-up of Dog the Bounty Hunter vs Boba Fett! Both possess intimidating reputations, impressive costumes, and complicated arsenals... Who will collect the bounty in this weeks pounding!

Well Craig, at first glance I'd say that Boba Fett has the edge in gadgetry, I mean come on he has a freakin' jet pack that launches a missle! He has wrist thingys that shoot some sort of rope... he packs a mean looking blaster, and wears a sweet helmet with a periscope! Not to mention he rolls around in the kick ass, elephant head looking space ship, "Slave one". Where as Dog seems like a bit of a dud. He is just a shirtless, fanny pack wearing, born again, mulleteer! His arsenal includes several different applications of pepper spray...and a walkie-talkie. His inbred posse cruise around in a couple of SUVs and from what I can tell he wears MP3 playing sunglasses 24/7! I predict that Dog will be picking his teeth out of his dump in no time!



I don't know Jordan, it's tough to say on this one. Sure Boba Fett by all outward appearances should be scalping that nasty greasy mullet off of Dog. But he doesn't have much of a track record. Darth Vader did his nasty work for him in Empire, and the douche got boned by a near blind Han Solo in Jedi. Looks cool, but he's pretty much a bounty hunting poser. Dog is going to bend him over and fuck him in the ass like the rest of the poor white trash dope fiend hicks he chases down every day. If this were a battle of "Cool" Boba Fett would win hands down, but Dog, the greasy turd, has real life take downs under his belt and I believe he is going to give Boba Fett a proper hate fuckin'.

How the Robot Shit Went Down

Well folks, here we are again in what looks to be the hollow, broken down shell of an abandoned old Nortel Building somewhere in Kanata . A band of ragged looking hobos have pushed some flaming garbage cans together in the shape of a ring around our two mechanical combatants; Bender and Johnny 5. Neither seem all that interested in fighting at the moment...wait whats this.. the Hobo king is standing up on his throne... I can't quite make out his face but he does seem somewhat familiar. It can't be....he looks just like Steve Guttenberg, once marginally popular 80's film star! It is him...Johnny 5 is spinning wildly with joy! Wait...I've lost track of Bender....Craig do you see where our other robot ruffian is?

Jordan, I believe that is Bender standing in the crowd watching Johnny 5, he's just standing there drinking straight out of a bottle of bourbon and smoking a cigar. He looks very unimpressed with Johnny 5's antics, who is now going from hobo to hobo asking if they "are a pepper too". I believe he is trying to score a Dr. Pepper in his own retarded little way. Steve Guttentard has started to mingle with some of his hobo minions and it looks like he is shooting his mouth off about the top of the line platinum and gold components he used when making Johnny 5. I've got to throw it out there Jordan, but what - a - bonehead. Johnny 5 is in trouble now, it looks like Bender overheard some of Guttentard's conversation. Yup, you don't have to be a lip reader to see that the fluctuating lines on Bender's mouth display mean he is in the throws of evil laughter. That evil laugh and the dollar signs now flashing in eye box can only mean one thing, Johnny 5 is fucked folks, Johnny 5 is F-U-C-K-E-D!

Not since that AT-AT crushed Luke's snowspeeder have I ever seen a one sided beat down like this. Bender has actually ripped one of Johnny's arms off and is beat him with it yelling "why are you hitting yourself?!?" in between bursts of crazed laughter! It's times like these that I think we should institute a mercy rule...there is liquor and motor oil everywhere now...quite unsightly! Look out! Bender has accidentally smacked the Guttentard right in the grill will the severed arm! Johnny 5 has given up his search for the prune-flavoured soft drink! his eyebrows are furrowing....menacingly...and they are now starting to glow red! His laser do-hickey seems to be powering up! Hobos are running for cover! Craig, Bender may indeed be boned!

Here comes the laser blast, but no, at the last second Bender tosses one of the dirtier hobos in the way and a few stray puppies for good measure. Johnny 5 is devastated, he cannot believe the carnage he has just caused. Bender is climbing up his back like a spider monkey, I think he is going for the laser. Yes, yes, ooooooooohhh my god, he just ripped the laser right off of Johnny 5's back. This is typical of Bender, he is now using the laser to melt down Johnny 5's gold and platinum parts. Johnny 5 is finished folks, he is a now a pile of cheap unwanted metal parts. Bender is still busy smithing that metal he took, and look at that Jordan he has just crafted himself one fancy looking crunk glass with all those precious metals. He is now sitting on a throne made of hobos sipping $5 bourbon out of his new crunk glass and smoking the butt end of a stogie he took out of Guttentard's busted yapper. Truly one for the record books Jordan.




Indeed Craig, truly remarkable...Thanks again for stopping by folks, be sure to stop by again Monday morning for another exciting match up! Don't forget to vote!

Full on Robot Battle!

Well folks this weeks exciting match-up features two metallic masters of mayhem, two tin titans of turmoil, two mechanical monsters of mass destruction, Johnny 5 and Bender! Who will dismantle who when these robotic fiends meet in battle?!?

If this was 1988 maybe Johnny 5 might stand a chance. Guess what, it's 2009 folks and Johnny 5 is going to be taking a long hard suck on Bender's shiny metal ass. Sure Johnny 5 is equipped with some fancy weapons, but come on, he was invented by Steve Guttentard and he is way too friendly for his own good. Bender is cold blooded yo! He's going to lull Johnny 5 into a false sense of robot brotherhood and then lay a horrific drunken pounding on the big robot. Let's face it after all, Johnny 5 is just an older more challenged version of Wall-e.

I think that this battle will come down to motivation. At first I thought Johnny 5 will win this match hands down...He is a purpose-built killbot armed with a crazy ass nuclear powered laser gun, and lets not forget that treads instead of feet will always be considered badass! But he is a lover and not a fighter and unless Bender threatens to hurt/maim/kill the possibly gay guy from Police Academy, the wierd goth girl from The Breakfast Club or Fisher Stevens cashing in on outdated 80's racist sterotypes, Johnny will be too busy picking flowers to fight anyone. Bender, on the other hand, is a purpose-built bending unit and has no offensive weapons. His greatest skill, out side of mass consumption of acohol, is bending steel gurders to precise angles (it should be noted that Johnny 5 is not a steel gurder). That being said, Bender should not be under-estimated. While not armed, he has in the past demonstrated an incredible level of deviousness, cunning, self-preservation, and greed. If Bender can figure out a way to profit from Johnny 5's demise, then I have to give this fight to him. He is just that sneaky.

Be sure to vote and feel free to let us know how you think the fight will go down by leaving a comment!

Fur Underwear Wearing Swordsmen Play by Play

It's another beautiful Thursday night here at the Gloucester center food court. A small but exuberant crowd has gathered to form a crude ring where our two fur-laden adversaries will do battle! Oh...the crowd is parting...and in steps Prince Adam, son of King Randor and next-in-line to the throne of Eternia...he looks a little nervous, some might say meek....he is cautiously waving to the crowd now..he seems to have singled out two young men from the Footlocker and appears to be chatting them up... Oh that entrance music can only mean one thing...and there he is, Conan, some say "the Barbarian", others "the Destroyer", has made his way into the ring opposite Prince Adam! They are staring each other down now...any moment this could erupt into a savage battle....Conan reaches for his sword...and ...wait...oh, he appears to have begun an elaborate "pose down" sequence...still posing...still posing...and now he seems to be smearing what looks to be hummus and tabbouleh on himself in an awkward camouflage pattern. Truly unique! Okay, it looks like the fellas from Footlocker have pushed Prince Adam towards the center of the ring...combat is immanent! wait, the royal douche is reaching for something...its his sword! He is pointing is skyward and....oh that looked pretty lame actually. It appears as if Prince Adam has set off some cheap pyrotechnics to distract the crowd while he quickly removed his clothes. He is posing triumphantly, now calling himself He-man, in what only can be called massive over-compensation. And now he is just standing there....come on people fight! Somebody hit somebody already!


This should be a good match once it gets started, or at least an interesting match. I mean here we have two individuals that both fuck Skeletor on a daily basis, it will be interesting to see how they handle each other. Here we go, Conan just lunged at He-man with his gigantic sword. By the way Jordan, some people thought his sword looked smaller after he hit the roids last year, but Prince Adam...I mean He-man still looks pretty impressed. Conan is still charging and screaming something in a muffled gutteral dialect, that almost sounds like English. Wow, and look at the gap between those teeth, Conan could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence with those babies. By the looks of the super-douche turned He-man, he's hoping Conan is going to put something else in his mouth though. And here it comes, He-man has parried Conan's blow with his own massive instrument of death. That is one well used sword, wow. He-man should clean it more often though, look at all the rust up and down the length of the shaft, I wonder how that got there?



Indeed!....I'm sorry Craig, I wasn't listening. Beside me here in the booth She-ra, Evil-Lyn, and Teela are debating different bikini waxing techniques and the relative comfort of leather vs metal corsets, truly remarkable!...Back to you Craig!




He-man has just mounted Battle Cat, the Footlocker boys seem very impressed by this. Conan is panicking, he is running from one side of the food court to the other looking for a way out. Jordan I definitely think he is going to make a break for it. I think the big cat has tipped this battle in He-man's favor. Hold on now, Conan has just grabbed a large bundle of knitting wool from the bargain bin at a defunct Bouclair and is taunting battle cat with it. Battle Cat's pupil's just dialated to the size of saucers he is enthralled with the wool. He hits it with a powerul right, then a left, and he's following through with a massive flurry of blows. It,... it looks like He-man is dismounting to let the cat go and play, and there he goes off to chat up his new friends from Footlocker. Conan has resumed his elaborate pose down and is looking for someone to oil him up.

I think we may have to go to the judges for a decision on this one Jordan.

Judges? it looks like the mall is closing Craig, the janitor is furiously flipping the lights on and off. We will have to wait for an eventual and decisive rematch of this battle. Hopefully the competitors will get around to hitting each other next time....overall I can't be more disappointed by this conclusion...a tie!?! Ridiculous!

And there you have it folks another battle for the ages! Thanks for voting this week and stay tuned because next Monday we will have another exciting match-up here at Monday Morning Fight Club! Be sure leave your comments to let us know how you think the fight will go down!

He-Man vs. Conan

It's a battle of the fur underwear wearing swordsmen!

Well Craig, I have to tell you that I am pretty excited for this weeks match up...I think both these idiots are long over due for a severe beating! In one corner we have He-Man,the muscle bound alter ego of Eternian super-douche Prince Adam. And in the other corner we have the wheel-of-pain pushing, lover of all things Crom...Conan! Truly a match up for the ages.

Dude I gotta give this one to Conan, this guy is a true badass. I mean, when asked what is best in life, Conan responded with "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women". This guy is all about the pounding. Don't get me wrong, Prince Adam is all about the pounding too, but a different kind of pounding if you know what I mean. The fact that he likes to get dressed up with leather and chains when he goes out with the boys speaks volumes. He-man can ride his big green furry cat straight to the reaming for all I care.

Even though these two homoerotic barbarian icons look to be

evenly matched, personally I give the edge to He-man in this fight. Conan is little more that a muscular drunk, who hates snakes and magic, hangs around Grace Jones, and at his smartest managed to memorize all three lines of "the riddle of steel". Whereas He-man rides around on a giant green tiger named "Battle Cat", has a huge and diverse posse, and chills out at Castle Greyskull (which has to be the most imposing caslte ever associated with a "good guy").

Space Commander Play by Play!

Well here we are on a glorious Thursday night at the Sobey's in Barrhaven. A small crowd has assembled to witness a titanic battle of space-faring commanders! Captain Kirk, his cart full of hungry-man dinners and spray cheese, just rounded the frozen food aisle and is now making his way to the seafood counter, he's pointing hungrily at a lobster in the tank when...Ackbar rides in out of nowhere on a shopping cart! He did not drop out of light speed too early on that one! His surprise attack sends the tubby sex-addict reeling into a tower of marshmallow spread jars! Now displaying a diagonal cut on his uniform, Kirk is quickly back on his feet and the two square off! Just where did that cut come from Craig? He always manages the exact same wardrobe malfunction every time he fights!

Wardrobe malfunction, now that is one sloppy tit that I do not need to see. Ackbar sure is getting worked up, look at those eyelids blink, it's almost hypnotizing. He's blinking faster and faster, and look at this it's throwing Kirk into seizures. For a nasty crotch smelling rebel admiral he sure is crafty. I think he is going in for the kill Jordan. Those fake looking shitty plastic claws sure look menacing right now.

Indeed they do Craig! But I don't think Kirk is having any kind of seizure...In a true display of good sportsmanship he could be timing his movements and speech to coincide with the Admirals blinking...either that or he just moves and talks like a giant space 'tard! It doesn't matter now because here comes a two-handed tomahawk chop from the mustard shirted pervert! Oooooo, that had to hurt, the big fish took that one in the gills! They are both staggering now, this fight has dragged on for over three minutes! Neither of the fighter are displaying any kind of physical conditioning or desire to continue...truly sad to behold!

Ouch and look at that, the big squid has shit himself from exertion. Pardon me, that's actually Ackbar's Ink cache. For those of you that don't know, squirting ink out his rectum is the Admirals main flight mechanism. This one is over folks, Ackbar is too ashamed to go on, he is now calling for a jizz mopper to come and clean him up. Look at this folks, Ackbar's wife and daughter have come out to give the shamed admiral some encouragement and moral support. Jordan, I can't believe what I'm seeing, Kirk in a true display of tastelessness is hitting on Ackbar's daughter and playing a bit of grab ass with his wife. Kirk truly does want to go where no man has gone before. Shameful, shameful indeed.

Right you are Craig! Shameful. Todays winner is Captain Kirk by default as Admiral Ackbar was too ashamed to continue. Thank you for voting this week and stay tuned to Monday Morning Fight Club next Monday for another exciting match up! Hint: Mullets and a Big Cat!

Admiral Ackbar vs Captain Kirk

Space commander show down!

Kirk, alone beams down to a remarkably familiar deserted planet, after delivering a long winded monologue on the fate of man amongst the stars, Admiral Ackbar, fresh from an Attack-the-Death-Star conference call, jumps out and confronts him! On one side we have the fishy rebel admiral and on the other, the quintessential cosmic Lothario. who will come out on top?

Well Craig, this is a geeks wet-dream-of-a-match-up, Floppy Fish vs Fat n'Bald!. It could be a close one. Kirk would no-doubt try to seduce the Admiral first, throwing a barrage of stilted movements and his own brand of poorly....delivered....pick...up.... lines. At this point the Admiral would easily deduce; "It's a Trap" and backhand the portly Starfleet stooge with his lobster claw/flipper. Reeling from the blow, Kirk's new tactic would be to try and fashion some sort of rudimentary weapon out of the materials at hand, but lacking any real skills (and Spock's help) he would resort to bashing the stinky rebel with the largest available stick. Sucking wind and blinking repeatedly, the admiral would decide to fall back and wait for things to tip into his favor. Like-wise, Kirk would be winded by now by the extended physical exertion and he would retreat to the nearest available cover and wait for Spock to show up and save his sorry ass. Tired from the fight, and more than a little disappointed from the lack of inter-species love-making, Kirk would relax the girdle and take a nap. Having out-waited his opponent, Ackbar executes a sneak attack and feeds Kirk his teeth, after all this guy did lead the attack that destroyed the second Death Star so you know he has big fishy balls!.

Simply said Kirk is going to fuck Ackbar's shit up good. Kirk has fucked, and fucked up more aliens than anyone else in the known universe. Ackbar and his floppity latex shit suit are screwed. That calamari eating mother-fucker isn't going to be able to blink his way out of this one.

Play by Play of the Tall Hairy Showdown!

Well it looks like the big Wookie has the jump on Sas. He has managed to start the match off by sneaking up on Sasquatch's back while he was munching on twigs and berries. This one is going to be over in a hurry. Wait...what's this...holy shit, he's blown it. Chewbacca just let out a blood curdling Wookie war cry. What..an..idiot. He's given Sas time to go into a defensive stance.


Craig, I don't know if I have something in my eye or not, but I can't seem to focus on the Sasquatch...he looks like a big blurry turd....an angry turd!. And that angry, blurry turd just picked up a pretty big looking branch and is waving it around menacingly. But wait, what is Chewie doing? It looks like he's taking off his bandoleer, he must be getting down to business!. Although, now they both look like big hairy turds...just one of them is slightly out of focus! This is turning into quite the confusing battle!By the looks of it, these two giant dingle-berries are cautiously sizing each other up...eesh, one hair-pile lunged at the other and now they a grappling greco-roman style, I can't tell them apart, let alone who is winning. It seems that this battle has reached a stalemate!

Wait, what is going on here, now it looks like two hairy turds wrestling in slow motion, and all I can hear is that annoying "ch ch ch ch" sound. Ah huh now I know whats going on, look over there, here comes Steve Austin to save Samsquatch. This is turning out to be a 70s tard party. Oh my god, the 6 million dollar man just ripped off Sasquatch's arm by accident, that's gotta hurt. And there goes two more arms!! Chewie just ripped off both of Steve Austin's arms. Wow, Chewie is on a rampage now he is pulling apart that hungry hungry hippo...wait, hold on, that's Rosie O'Donnell where'd she come from?

I've got to tell you Craig, I...did...not...see...that...coming. This fight has turned into a limp pile of sweaty, hairy backs and miscellaneous mechanical parts...and there looks to be nothing left of what was once a Rosie O'Donnell. Wait...I see movement...I looks like one NBA sized hair piece is emerging victoriously from the pile! It is Chewbacca, life debt owing copilot to a Nerf herder, and winner of our first ever show down....oh wait...this is unprecedented...the Wookie is taking a dump on the spent remains of Sasquatch...quite unsportsmanlike!


Thanks for tuning in folks, be sure to check out this weeks new match up and don't forget to vote!

This weeks epic match up features two very worthy adversaries;

Chewbacca vs Sasquatch!

Personally I think Chewie walks away with this one!

Facts: He can service a hyperdrive so he has the edge in intelligence. He can rip arms out of their sockets and he wears a bandoleer...two words; Blaster Crossbow, talk about bad ass! All the Sasquatch can do is lumber around and be slightly out of focus....lame! Sas's only hope is that some inbred, foul smelling hippie will intervene. In the end Sasquatch doesn't stand a chance!

I'm with you on this one.

Chewie is extra mad these days. He was infuriated by Sasquatch's comments leading up to the match. Sasquatch criticised Chewie after Chewie denied his very existance. Sasquatch was quoted as saying "ChewSacka will believe in me after I plant my BigFoot in his hairy starfish". This is going to be a bigger hairy mess than my back. Watch out!!


And there you have it folks, the historic, first ever match up. Please feel free to vote and help us decide the out come. A blow-by-blow account of the real fight will appear before next week's Monday Morning Fight Club throw down!