Straight Up Man Looking Bitches Play by Play

Bitches be trippin' yo! This weeks beat down is taking place on the official "Bull Dyke Man Hater" float in the annual Gay Pride parade. Everyone looks like they are in a very festive and flamboyant mood except our two extremely sweaty sinewy combatants. Our fighters lean mean sweaty look is not entirely in stark contrast to the huge pink float they are riding on, depicting a ten foot tall female fist pummeling an equally large flaccid penis. As the parade continues down Bank street the two fighters are removing their jackets revealing matching army green tank tops. I don't know how they managed to get sweaty so fast, but I can see the pit stains from here Jordan. I think the violence is about to start any second now.

Truly a haunting image Craig. All I can say is that this better not turn into a another pose down contest were nobody actually hits each other...wait whats this...It appears that two, not so innocent children have started fighting on an adjacent float. The float seems to be a collection of large, ethnically diverse asses all facing outward, quite the image...one of the children looks to be a little girl with a hastily scrawled "Newt" written on her dress, and the other is wearing a flannel shirt with the name "John" pinned to it. The sight of the children fighting seems to have triggered some violent maternal responses in our combatants! Connor just smoked Ripley with a large black baton looking object handed to her by a parade viewer! Ripley counters with a vicious two-handed slap sending Connor reeling...

Yes Jordan, Connor does seem very unsteady on her feet after receiving that slap, ooooo and Ripley just nailed her with a massive round house kick sending her flying right through the enormous scroat sitting near the back of the float. Tough as ever Connor is clawing her way out of the scroat hole. She's extra sweaty now and bleeding from the corner of her mouth. Boy oh boy does she look angry, she's wiping the blood off her mouth with the back of her hand and shouting "I hope you are wearing 2 million sunblock today bitch because you're about to have a real bad day". Both combatants are screaming in fury now and rushing at one another,....wait, oh lord, one of the parade marshals has gotten too close to the float and is now caught between Ripley and Connor. There's nowhere for him to go, he's caught in the fight and is being pummeled mercilessly by Ripley and Sarah Connor. He is curled up in the fetal position now as both our butches rain blows down on him. I think they've had their fun and are now throwing him down the scroat hole and off the float. That's gotta be traumatizing, the poor fella is now huddled in a dirty ball on the corner of Bank and Slater mumbling "They come out at night, mostly,...mostly". Sad indeed.

Wait whats this... Connor has jumped over to the float where the kid were fighting...but I don't see the kids anywhere...There is smoke rising from the center of the asses, Connor seems to have flung herself into another maternal rage, she is clawing at a large tan ass, no doubt trying to save John from a fiery death! Ripley is close behind her, the two of them tearing at the asses mercilessly!. They've done it, they tore a new opening in the asses but wait...there seems to be some sort of problem...The Kids are emerging from the smoke now...giggling in rather deep voices I might add! No! It turns out they weren't children at all! Now that I get a better look at them they're midgets dressed up to look like children! Wow how did we miss that! The one dressed as newt has a mustache and a mullet! They must have been hot-boxing at the center of the asses! Whats this? It appears that Conner is creepily hugging the midget "John" crying profusely and rocking back and forth...well thats just awkward, I don't think she realizes that he is not her son...now we are seeing crazy in full effect!...Sensing an opening Ripley just threw Conner and the midget back into the smoky hole in the asses. The remaining asses have all fallen inward, effectively pinning Connor and the midget under a heaping pile of smoky, multi-hued, paper-mache ass-flesh! Ripley is now standing victoriously waving to the crowd! HOLY SHIT!

The float just blew up in a shower of pink puffy fist and penis pieces and emerging from the wreckage is a familiar looking black sedan with a homemade turret. Scrawled across the front is the word "Deathmobile", oh shit Jordan we better get the hell out of here. The driver is on a rampage, the downtown core is going to be nothing but rubble, there are assless leather chaps, feather boa's and cutoff jean shorts flying through the air everywhere I look. CARNAGE, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, run for it!!!!



Someone definitely called shenanigans on the parade today Craig! Thanks again folks for tuning in and remember to tune in next Monday for another exiting match-up! By the way Craig, paying those midgets to pose as Newt and John was a stroke of genius on your part!

Hunt Down Play by Play!

Well Craig, here we are in the picturesque MacArthur arena in once beautiful down town Vanier. With the men's recreational tier 13 hockey action suspended for the evening, the arena is full of rabid fight fans for what promises to be an epic match up! Looking around the stands one can not help but notice the sheer number of mullets in attendance...this crowd must be heavily biased towards the Dog! The crowd is chanting...there is an earsplittingly painful theme being piped in over the P.A...the Zamboni gate is opening and in drives dog in an impressive, yet leased, black Denali. There seems to be a problem...the Denali isn't stopping, it's wheels have locked up and it careens across the ice into the far boards. Unfazed Dog and his posse of "Tim" and "Young Blood" (is that really his name?) pour out of the Denali and onto the ice...It appears that the Dogs wife is pinned behind the wheel due to the airbag, steering wheel and her ample chesticles, she is, however, cheering loudly for her man...as he and his posse figure how to stand and look intimidating while wearing cowboy boots in a hockey rink. Truly a thrilling entrance! The theme has subsided now, as the crowd waits, anxiously shoveling poutine into their pie holes, for the appearance of our second fighter... Wow! A huge hole has been blasted into the roof of the arena, and in hovers Boba Fett! and it looks like he has brought a posse of his own! Rappelling in behind him are; Dengar, the tubby, seeming always suffering a head wound bounty hunter, and IG88, purpose built assassin droid! Fun fact, before becoming an assassin for hire, IG88's first love was for fruity mixed drinks and beat poetry!

Boba Fett!!! Pffffft, poser!









Shocking insight Craig!, shocking. It looks like the Dog and his posse are still having trouble gaining any sort of traction on the ice...cowboy boots were a poor choice. Boba Fett is awkwardly leaning forward now...could it be...yes Fett has just launched his back pack mounted rocket....although it now appears that the rocket is more of an aesthetic choice rather than a viable weapon system...the rocket is just randomly flying around. The crowd, along with our combatants are mesmerized by the aerial display!..Eeesh, the rocket just took out a large portion of the shirtless, mulleted crowd...it is raining poutine, smoked meat, and chunks of concrete all over the place...Tim just got nailed by a wayward arena seat...putting him out of action...Dengar just took a sizable hunk of concrete right in the melon...lucky he was already pre-bandaged. "Young Blood" is either trying to convert or subdue Ig88 with a large can of mace, the all-metal assassin couldn't look less interested in tonight's event. Boba Fett has finally come in for a landing right in front of the Dog, who has managed to avoid most of the falling debris...although there does appear to be some smoked meat caught in his hair beads.

With their posses gone the bounty hunters are alone, face to face. Dog means business now, he's taking off his sunglasses/mp3 player. Although you can't see his face you can tell that Boba Fett is visibly shaken from the shear amount of wrinkles around Dog's eyes. Jordan, it must be like looking into the dark abyss of eternity,...but with a mullet!?! Now it looks like Dog is lecturing Boba Fett about kicking his"Ice" habit. What the hell is he talking about? Boba Fett looks just as confused as me and he's getting angrier by the second. Fett is pulling something out of his codpiece, it's big, it's bulbous, oh my god, it's a thermal detinator. Quick as flash Dog is going for his weapon of choice too and yes, it's his favorite can of Fox Lab's Pepper Spray. This is about to get ugly. Dog has unleashed the spray right in Fett's visor. Physically Fett is unaffected, he has pepper spray dripping off his helmet, but the mask blocked everything. Mentally he is freaking out, and there he goes folks, he has powered up his jet pack and is getting the hell out of here as fast as he can. Oooooooo bad luck for our trashy bounty hunter, the blast from Boba Fett's backpack has ignited the pepper spray vapor surrounding Dog and has completely fried his Mullet. I can't believe it, it's gone folks, Dog's mullet is gone in a spectacular flash of pepper spray induced greasy hair fire!

With Boba Fett retreating victoriously, and the Dog left sobbing over his fallen mullet at center ice, we have to give this one to...Boba Fett, and true to form he didn't really earn his own bounty...remarkable!

And there you have it folks, another impressive battle in the books! Thanks for tuning in this week, and remember to tune in next week for another exciting throw-down!

Bounty Hunter....Hunt down?!?

Well its an exciting week this week on Monday Morning Fight Club! We have the sweet, yet epic match-up of Dog the Bounty Hunter vs Boba Fett! Both possess intimidating reputations, impressive costumes, and complicated arsenals... Who will collect the bounty in this weeks pounding!

Well Craig, at first glance I'd say that Boba Fett has the edge in gadgetry, I mean come on he has a freakin' jet pack that launches a missle! He has wrist thingys that shoot some sort of rope... he packs a mean looking blaster, and wears a sweet helmet with a periscope! Not to mention he rolls around in the kick ass, elephant head looking space ship, "Slave one". Where as Dog seems like a bit of a dud. He is just a shirtless, fanny pack wearing, born again, mulleteer! His arsenal includes several different applications of pepper spray...and a walkie-talkie. His inbred posse cruise around in a couple of SUVs and from what I can tell he wears MP3 playing sunglasses 24/7! I predict that Dog will be picking his teeth out of his dump in no time!



I don't know Jordan, it's tough to say on this one. Sure Boba Fett by all outward appearances should be scalping that nasty greasy mullet off of Dog. But he doesn't have much of a track record. Darth Vader did his nasty work for him in Empire, and the douche got boned by a near blind Han Solo in Jedi. Looks cool, but he's pretty much a bounty hunting poser. Dog is going to bend him over and fuck him in the ass like the rest of the poor white trash dope fiend hicks he chases down every day. If this were a battle of "Cool" Boba Fett would win hands down, but Dog, the greasy turd, has real life take downs under his belt and I believe he is going to give Boba Fett a proper hate fuckin'.