Straight Up Man Looking Bitches Play by Play
Bitches be trippin' yo! This weeks beat down is taking place on the official "Bull Dyke Man Hater" float in the annual Gay Pride parade. Everyone looks like they are in a very festive and flamboyant mood except our two extremely sweaty sinewy combatants. Our fighters lean mean sweaty look is not entirely in stark contrast to the huge pink float they are riding on, depicting a ten foot tall female fist pummeling an equally large flaccid penis. As the parade continues down Bank street the two fighters are removing their jackets revealing matching army green tank tops. I don't know how they managed to get sweaty so fast, but I can see the pit stains from here Jordan. I think the violence is about to start any second now.
Truly a haunting image Craig. All I can say is that this better not turn into a another pose down contest were nobody actually hits each other...wait whats this...It appears that two, not so innocent children have started fighting on an adjacent float. The float seems to be a collection of large, ethnically diverse asses all facing outward, quite the image...one of the children looks to be a little girl with a hastily scrawled "Newt" written on her dress, and the other is wearing a flannel shirt with the name "John" pinned to it. The sight of the children fighting seems to have triggered some violent maternal responses in our combatants! Connor just smoked Ripley with a large black baton looking object handed to her by a parade viewer! Ripley counters with a vicious two-handed slap sending Connor reeling...
Yes Jordan, Connor does seem very unsteady on her feet after receiving that slap, ooooo and Ripley just nailed her with a massive round house kick sending her flying right through the enormous scroat sitting near the back of the float. Tough as ever Connor is clawing her way out of the scroat hole. She's extra sweaty now and bleeding from the corner of her mouth. Boy oh boy does she look angry, she's wiping the blood off her mouth with the back of her hand and shouting "I hope you are wearing 2 million sunblock today bitch because you're about to have a real bad day". Both combatants are screaming in fury now and rushing at one another,....wait, oh lord, one of the parade marshals has gotten too close to the float and is now caught between Ripley and Connor. There's nowhere for him to go, he's caught in the fight and is being pummeled mercilessly by Ripley and Sarah Connor. He is curled up in the fetal position now as both our butches rain blows down on him. I think they've had their fun and are now throwing him down the scroat hole and off the float. That's gotta be traumatizing, the poor fella is now huddled in a dirty ball on the corner of Bank and Slater mumbling "They come out at night, mostly,...mostly". Sad indeed.
Wait whats this... Connor has jumped over to the float where the kid were fighting...but I don't see the kids anywhere...There is smoke rising from the center of the asses, Connor seems to have flung herself into another maternal rage, she is clawing at a large tan ass, no doubt trying to save John from a fiery death! Ripley is close behind her, the two of them tearing at the asses mercilessly!. They've done it, they tore a new opening in the asses but wait...there seems to be some sort of problem...The Kids are emerging from the smoke now...giggling in rather deep voices I might add! No! It turns out they weren't children at all! Now that I get a better look at them they're midgets dressed up to look like children! Wow how did we miss that! The one dressed as newt has a mustache and a mullet! They must have been hot-boxing at the center of the asses! Whats this? It appears that Conner is creepily hugging the midget "John" crying profusely and rocking back and forth...well thats just awkward, I don't think she realizes that he is not her son...now we are seeing crazy in full effect!...Sensing an opening Ripley just threw Conner and the midget back into the smoky hole in the asses. The remaining asses have all fallen inward, effectively pinning Connor and the midget under a heaping pile of smoky, multi-hued, paper-mache ass-flesh! Ripley is now standing victoriously waving to the crowd! HOLY SHIT!
The float just blew up in a shower of pink puffy fist and penis pieces and emerging from the wreckage is a familiar looking black sedan with a homemade turret. Scrawled across the front is the word "Deathmobile", oh shit Jordan we better get the hell out of here. The driver is on a rampage, the downtown core is going to be nothing but rubble, there are assless leather chaps, feather boa's and cutoff jean shorts flying through the air everywhere I look. CARNAGE, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, run for it!!!!
Someone definitely called shenanigans on the parade today Craig! Thanks again folks for tuning in and remember to tune in next Monday for another exiting match-up! By the way Craig, paying those midgets to pose as Newt and John was a stroke of genius on your part!
