Totally Tiny Tag Team Take Down for all Time!

Well folks we have something special in store for you this week! An all midget tag team battle featuring; Sam and Frodo vs Willow and Wicket! Who will tag their tiny way to victory? Stay tuned for another exciting edition of....Monday Morning Fight Club!

Straight up Craig, I have to give this one to Willow and Wicket. They are a devastating combo of wile magic user and crazy wild man/bear. Willow can handle the strategy and slight-of-hand trickery while Wicket will swing in from out of nowhere and kick their hairy-footed asses. I can't see them having too much trouble with Sam and Frodo. Sam, who seems to be a pretty competent fighter, simply has his hands full taking care of his overly-effeminate buddy. Even with "The One Ring" (Which I think is caked in LSD and Heroine) Frodo is pretty much useless...He is a strung out junkie one trick pony(turning invisible), without Sam's help Frodo would have been killed long ago...probably by someone who got tired of his giant weepy eyes. The only conceivable edge Sam and Frodo have is weaponry. Their elf-made glow-in-the-dark lawn dart sized swords are a little more intimadating than a bent stick and a wooden spear.

I gotta say Jordan, I'm totally stoked for this battle. These funny little fuckers make me laugh, damn I love midget wrestling. This is going to kick ass. I have to disagree with you though, the homo erotic boys from Middle Earth are going to wipe Willow's ass with his furry companion Wicket. As far as I see it's not even going to be close. Sam and Frodo braved the wilds of Mordor fending off orcs, ogres, Uruk-hai, Golum and the master of all things bad Sauron himself to toss the Ring of Power into a molten pit of Lava. A furry piece of shit and one over exposed dwarf ain't gonna mount to piss against these two. Let the freakshow begin!!

Remember to stop by on Friday morning to see how the battle played out!

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Dutch Vs Rambo!

Rambo vs Dutch, although this would be a close one I think the current state of Rambo’s face speaks volumes. Dutch must have messed him up at some point. I’m guessing Dutch naturally took off all his clothes and covered himself in cold river mud,… you know to avoid detection,… snuck up on Rambo while he was trying to notch an arrow in his bow or some other pansy activity, and laid the beat down.

I'm going to go out on a limb on this one Craig. After having done massive doses of bovine steriods and human growth hormone both Stallone(Rambo) and Ahnold(Dutch) would be on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and chemicaly induced rage. The battle will last for days, villages and towns would be layed to waste, children orphaned. In the end, their hormone ravaged bodies would begin to produce a gargantuan excess of estrogen. This along with having seen the carnage of the collateral damage their epic battle caused, would cause then to collapse into sobbing heaps of man-boobs, hugging and crying themselves to sleep. No one wins!

All Sugar Showdown Play by Play!

Well folks, here we are again, on a beautiful Thursday night in the cafeteria of the Adult High School off of Gladstone. School custodians have marked out a crude, yet impressive ring using what looks to be alternating buckets of lard, mystery meat, pickles, and boxes labeled "Non-nutritive gravy-sauce". The crowd is looking a little confused but anxious. Tony the tiger is making his entrance held high on the shoulders of a crowd of lunch ladies. Tony is taking his time, shaking hands, signing cleavage, and waving to his fans. Truly an awe inspiring sight! Oh whats this? The remedial shop students are wheeling a large brick wall in front of the cafeteria doorway...this can only mean..."OH YEAH" there he is folks, the one and only bright red pitcher of wrecking ball known as "the Kool-Aid Jug". Tony seems to have taken exception to some flying debris from the Jugs entrance...and the fight is on!

As I'm sure everyone knows Tony is really into sports and he is showing his athelticism right now. He is really laying into Kool-Aid Jug, the Judo skills that Tony has are incredible. Kool-Aid Jug may be able to smash through walls, but Tony is smashing him through everything else. Jordan I've lost count of how many lunch tables have been smashed by the fight. Now Tony is holding Kool-Aid Jug up off the ground by his feet and is spinning him in circles faster and faster. Whoa, he just let him go and Kool-Aid Jug just smashed through about 10 walls. I can't see him anymore, but he's got to be hurting. It looks like the big cat is taking the break in action as an oppertunity to sit on his haunches and pull his ass across the floor. I can barely hear what he's saying, but it sounds kind of like a half purr, half "tttthhhaaattttsss ggggrrrreeeaaattt". You know, I had a cat once that swallowed a string and he did much the same thing........uhhhhh sorry, never mind. I still can't see Kool-Aid Jug, how's it look from your angle Jordan?

That is definitely going to leave one hell of a skid mark! This has turned into mass chaos, there are lunch trays embedded in the ceiling tiles, a pyramid of benches is on fire off in the far corner. The crowd is chanting in wild, foreign languages...it is bedlam! There is a distant rumble now...I think the Koolaid Jug is making his way back...oh and he knocks another wall down...this is getting dangerous...the whole building is creaking and wobbling now...thats it...he's done it. That was one wall too many, the building is coming down around us! Hang on folks while we sort this out...

...Well the ruble has finaly settled, and the dust is now disapating. I can make out the Koolaid guy...he may be the winner, I can't seem to locate Tony the Tiger...wait whats this!!! Unbelivabe! Tony is inside the Jug! he is sucking up all the cherry flavoured syrupy goodness... Tony is starting to vibrate at an incredible rate! He is just a blur or Orange and Red! "THEEEERRRRREEEE GGGGRRRREEEAAATTTT!" Holy crap, Tony has exploded out of what was the Koolaid Jug, sending huge shards of glass flying everwhere...the few surviving ESL students picking themselves out of the ruble are now diving for cover! Tony is not stopping...He seems to be growing....This is madness! he is kicking over cars and busses like they are ants! Call in the military Craig! Tony has gone all Godzilla on us...Never give a big cat that much sugar!

Quick somebody get a ball of yarn or a bit of tinsel or something, we have to redirect Tony's energy. Wait, Jordan what are you going to do with that giant ball of tape....ohhhhhh, good idea. Folks, Jordan has ventured out into the rubble and has attached a giant ball of tape to Tony's back. Wow, I didn't know a cat could flatten out like that. He is obviously not enjoying the feel of that tape on his back. Tony is all slinky now and his back is quivering like a bowl full of jelly. It looks like that did the trick, Tony is slinking off into the distance and the custodial staff is cleaning up the remnants of Kool-Aid Jug.

It appears that the shards of the Koolaid Jug are starting to reform in a terminator 2 like puddle of molten glass...wait, I see a hand emerging from the puddle...its a thumbs up....and I hear a faint "oh yeah"...well since Tony-zilla is wigged out with tape on his back...I guess we have to give this one to Koolaid...barely.

And there you have it folks! Calamity again! Thanks for all the votes and comments this week, be sure to tune in next week for another thrilling throwdown right here on Monday Morning Fight Club!

Kool-Aid Jug vs Tony the Tiger

Jordan, someone is going to be handing out a sugary sweet ass kicking this week, Oh yaaaaa!!! And my money is on the one and only, often imitated but never replicated Kool-Aid Jug. First of all this dude breaks through walls and maintains a smile the entire time. Secondly Tony the Tiger wears a freaking ascot/bandanna. I'm guessing Tony would be more comfortable at a Village People concert than in the arena.




That may be Craig, but I for one will never bet against a big cat on a sugar high. Lifestyle choices aside, Tony is a go-getter of a morning guy descended from a long line of man-eating top dogs in the food chain! The Kool-Aid Jug is nothing more than a fat, obnoxious party crasher who lacks the simple abilities of knocking and door use. I think Tony will be coughing up a candy-sweet hair ball in no time!

Straight Up Man Looking Bitches Play by Play

Bitches be trippin' yo! This weeks beat down is taking place on the official "Bull Dyke Man Hater" float in the annual Gay Pride parade. Everyone looks like they are in a very festive and flamboyant mood except our two extremely sweaty sinewy combatants. Our fighters lean mean sweaty look is not entirely in stark contrast to the huge pink float they are riding on, depicting a ten foot tall female fist pummeling an equally large flaccid penis. As the parade continues down Bank street the two fighters are removing their jackets revealing matching army green tank tops. I don't know how they managed to get sweaty so fast, but I can see the pit stains from here Jordan. I think the violence is about to start any second now.

Truly a haunting image Craig. All I can say is that this better not turn into a another pose down contest were nobody actually hits each other...wait whats this...It appears that two, not so innocent children have started fighting on an adjacent float. The float seems to be a collection of large, ethnically diverse asses all facing outward, quite the image...one of the children looks to be a little girl with a hastily scrawled "Newt" written on her dress, and the other is wearing a flannel shirt with the name "John" pinned to it. The sight of the children fighting seems to have triggered some violent maternal responses in our combatants! Connor just smoked Ripley with a large black baton looking object handed to her by a parade viewer! Ripley counters with a vicious two-handed slap sending Connor reeling...

Yes Jordan, Connor does seem very unsteady on her feet after receiving that slap, ooooo and Ripley just nailed her with a massive round house kick sending her flying right through the enormous scroat sitting near the back of the float. Tough as ever Connor is clawing her way out of the scroat hole. She's extra sweaty now and bleeding from the corner of her mouth. Boy oh boy does she look angry, she's wiping the blood off her mouth with the back of her hand and shouting "I hope you are wearing 2 million sunblock today bitch because you're about to have a real bad day". Both combatants are screaming in fury now and rushing at one another,....wait, oh lord, one of the parade marshals has gotten too close to the float and is now caught between Ripley and Connor. There's nowhere for him to go, he's caught in the fight and is being pummeled mercilessly by Ripley and Sarah Connor. He is curled up in the fetal position now as both our butches rain blows down on him. I think they've had their fun and are now throwing him down the scroat hole and off the float. That's gotta be traumatizing, the poor fella is now huddled in a dirty ball on the corner of Bank and Slater mumbling "They come out at night, mostly,...mostly". Sad indeed.

Wait whats this... Connor has jumped over to the float where the kid were fighting...but I don't see the kids anywhere...There is smoke rising from the center of the asses, Connor seems to have flung herself into another maternal rage, she is clawing at a large tan ass, no doubt trying to save John from a fiery death! Ripley is close behind her, the two of them tearing at the asses mercilessly!. They've done it, they tore a new opening in the asses but wait...there seems to be some sort of problem...The Kids are emerging from the smoke now...giggling in rather deep voices I might add! No! It turns out they weren't children at all! Now that I get a better look at them they're midgets dressed up to look like children! Wow how did we miss that! The one dressed as newt has a mustache and a mullet! They must have been hot-boxing at the center of the asses! Whats this? It appears that Conner is creepily hugging the midget "John" crying profusely and rocking back and forth...well thats just awkward, I don't think she realizes that he is not her son...now we are seeing crazy in full effect!...Sensing an opening Ripley just threw Conner and the midget back into the smoky hole in the asses. The remaining asses have all fallen inward, effectively pinning Connor and the midget under a heaping pile of smoky, multi-hued, paper-mache ass-flesh! Ripley is now standing victoriously waving to the crowd! HOLY SHIT!

The float just blew up in a shower of pink puffy fist and penis pieces and emerging from the wreckage is a familiar looking black sedan with a homemade turret. Scrawled across the front is the word "Deathmobile", oh shit Jordan we better get the hell out of here. The driver is on a rampage, the downtown core is going to be nothing but rubble, there are assless leather chaps, feather boa's and cutoff jean shorts flying through the air everywhere I look. CARNAGE, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, run for it!!!!



Someone definitely called shenanigans on the parade today Craig! Thanks again folks for tuning in and remember to tune in next Monday for another exiting match-up! By the way Craig, paying those midgets to pose as Newt and John was a stroke of genius on your part!

Ripley vs. Sarah Connor

Battle of the Hard Sweaty Women

Jordan, we have our first two official female combatants this week on Monday Morning Fight Club. I mean I don't think you can count Prince Adam or Johnny 5, although it is definitely debatable. In one camp we have Ripley supreme ass kicker of all things Alien, in the other corner we have the equally hard, sweaty and badass Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. I very much doubt there will be any checking of makeup before this fight. Both combatants have reputations as being hard nosed ball busting ass kicking machines. This is going to be a tough one to call, both combatants definitely come ready for a fight. Sarah Connor has been victorious over several robot made robot killing machines?? While Ripley has killed an innumerable amount of possibly genetically engineered killer aliens, including the Momma of them all. In the end, I think the day will go to Ripley. My reason, simple. Sarah Connor has tried over and over to save her son John Connor. Ripley on the other hand only ever had one child, an Alien/human abomination mix, which she did not hesitate to discharge into the void of space. She is definitely hardcore and I think after a solid fight she will end up box stomping Sarah Connor.


Well Craig,they won't be checking their make up because this fight could be called "Battle of the man-hating bull-dykes "or "Battle of the straight up mean-looking bitches". On the one hand we have Ellen Ripley, mini afro wearing, heavy sleeping, wife beater and panty wearing, Alien hater. And on the other hand we have Sarah Connor, once permed, often crying single mom, Luddite, insane asylum resident. Ripley wakes up after taking an unexpected hyper-nap that lasted 57 years and is put right back in the shit along with a handful of colonial marines on a "Bug Hunt". Her only skills at this point were looking sad and operating a fancy "loader" but thanks to the careful tutelage of Cpl. Dwayne Hicks, she learns how to fire a gun and ends up kicking some serious alien ass. Sarah Connor, however was a Perm-having party girl/waitress who, after being stalked by a mechanical/Austrian killing machine, is taught how to fire a gun by a remarkably familiar looking Kyle Reese, time traveling nudist/soldier. To me, both these ladies have been similarly trained...by similar looking men therefore their skills should be about equal. Ripley may have a more impressive ass-kicking record, however never discount the shear aggressiveness of a crazy person. I have a feeling that Sarah Conner will be watching Ripley give her the molten "thumbs up".

Hunt Down Play by Play!

Well Craig, here we are in the picturesque MacArthur arena in once beautiful down town Vanier. With the men's recreational tier 13 hockey action suspended for the evening, the arena is full of rabid fight fans for what promises to be an epic match up! Looking around the stands one can not help but notice the sheer number of mullets in attendance...this crowd must be heavily biased towards the Dog! The crowd is chanting...there is an earsplittingly painful theme being piped in over the P.A...the Zamboni gate is opening and in drives dog in an impressive, yet leased, black Denali. There seems to be a problem...the Denali isn't stopping, it's wheels have locked up and it careens across the ice into the far boards. Unfazed Dog and his posse of "Tim" and "Young Blood" (is that really his name?) pour out of the Denali and onto the ice...It appears that the Dogs wife is pinned behind the wheel due to the airbag, steering wheel and her ample chesticles, she is, however, cheering loudly for her man...as he and his posse figure how to stand and look intimidating while wearing cowboy boots in a hockey rink. Truly a thrilling entrance! The theme has subsided now, as the crowd waits, anxiously shoveling poutine into their pie holes, for the appearance of our second fighter... Wow! A huge hole has been blasted into the roof of the arena, and in hovers Boba Fett! and it looks like he has brought a posse of his own! Rappelling in behind him are; Dengar, the tubby, seeming always suffering a head wound bounty hunter, and IG88, purpose built assassin droid! Fun fact, before becoming an assassin for hire, IG88's first love was for fruity mixed drinks and beat poetry!

Boba Fett!!! Pffffft, poser!









Shocking insight Craig!, shocking. It looks like the Dog and his posse are still having trouble gaining any sort of traction on the ice...cowboy boots were a poor choice. Boba Fett is awkwardly leaning forward now...could it be...yes Fett has just launched his back pack mounted rocket....although it now appears that the rocket is more of an aesthetic choice rather than a viable weapon system...the rocket is just randomly flying around. The crowd, along with our combatants are mesmerized by the aerial display!..Eeesh, the rocket just took out a large portion of the shirtless, mulleted crowd...it is raining poutine, smoked meat, and chunks of concrete all over the place...Tim just got nailed by a wayward arena seat...putting him out of action...Dengar just took a sizable hunk of concrete right in the melon...lucky he was already pre-bandaged. "Young Blood" is either trying to convert or subdue Ig88 with a large can of mace, the all-metal assassin couldn't look less interested in tonight's event. Boba Fett has finally come in for a landing right in front of the Dog, who has managed to avoid most of the falling debris...although there does appear to be some smoked meat caught in his hair beads.

With their posses gone the bounty hunters are alone, face to face. Dog means business now, he's taking off his sunglasses/mp3 player. Although you can't see his face you can tell that Boba Fett is visibly shaken from the shear amount of wrinkles around Dog's eyes. Jordan, it must be like looking into the dark abyss of eternity,...but with a mullet!?! Now it looks like Dog is lecturing Boba Fett about kicking his"Ice" habit. What the hell is he talking about? Boba Fett looks just as confused as me and he's getting angrier by the second. Fett is pulling something out of his codpiece, it's big, it's bulbous, oh my god, it's a thermal detinator. Quick as flash Dog is going for his weapon of choice too and yes, it's his favorite can of Fox Lab's Pepper Spray. This is about to get ugly. Dog has unleashed the spray right in Fett's visor. Physically Fett is unaffected, he has pepper spray dripping off his helmet, but the mask blocked everything. Mentally he is freaking out, and there he goes folks, he has powered up his jet pack and is getting the hell out of here as fast as he can. Oooooooo bad luck for our trashy bounty hunter, the blast from Boba Fett's backpack has ignited the pepper spray vapor surrounding Dog and has completely fried his Mullet. I can't believe it, it's gone folks, Dog's mullet is gone in a spectacular flash of pepper spray induced greasy hair fire!

With Boba Fett retreating victoriously, and the Dog left sobbing over his fallen mullet at center ice, we have to give this one to...Boba Fett, and true to form he didn't really earn his own bounty...remarkable!

And there you have it folks, another impressive battle in the books! Thanks for tuning in this week, and remember to tune in next week for another exciting throw-down!