Monday Morning Fight Club

All Sugar Showdown Play by Play!

Well folks, here we are again, on a beautiful Thursday night in the cafeteria of the Adult High School off of Gladstone. School custodians have marked out a crude, yet impressive ring using what looks to be alternating buckets of lard, mystery meat, pickles, and boxes labeled "Non-nutritive gravy-sauce". The crowd is looking a little confused but anxious. Tony the tiger is making his entrance held high on the shoulders of a crowd of lunch ladies. Tony is taking his time, shaking hands, signing cleavage, and waving to his fans. Truly an awe inspiring sight! Oh whats this? The remedial shop students are wheeling a large brick wall in front of the cafeteria doorway...this can only mean..."OH YEAH" there he is folks, the one and only bright red pitcher of wrecking ball known as "the Kool-Aid Jug". Tony seems to have taken exception to some flying debris from the Jugs entrance...and the fight is on!

As I'm sure everyone knows Tony is really into sports and he is showing his athelticism right now. He is really laying into Kool-Aid Jug, the Judo skills that Tony has are incredible. Kool-Aid Jug may be able to smash through walls, but Tony is smashing him through everything else. Jordan I've lost count of how many lunch tables have been smashed by the fight. Now Tony is holding Kool-Aid Jug up off the ground by his feet and is spinning him in circles faster and faster. Whoa, he just let him go and Kool-Aid Jug just smashed through about 10 walls. I can't see him anymore, but he's got to be hurting. It looks like the big cat is taking the break in action as an oppertunity to sit on his haunches and pull his ass across the floor. I can barely hear what he's saying, but it sounds kind of like a half purr, half "tttthhhaaattttsss ggggrrrreeeaaattt". You know, I had a cat once that swallowed a string and he did much the same thing........uhhhhh sorry, never mind. I still can't see Kool-Aid Jug, how's it look from your angle Jordan?

That is definitely going to leave one hell of a skid mark! This has turned into mass chaos, there are lunch trays embedded in the ceiling tiles, a pyramid of benches is on fire off in the far corner. The crowd is chanting in wild, foreign languages...it is bedlam! There is a distant rumble now...I think the Koolaid Jug is making his way back...oh and he knocks another wall down...this is getting dangerous...the whole building is creaking and wobbling now...thats it...he's done it. That was one wall too many, the building is coming down around us! Hang on folks while we sort this out...

...Well the ruble has finaly settled, and the dust is now disapating. I can make out the Koolaid guy...he may be the winner, I can't seem to locate Tony the Tiger...wait whats this!!! Unbelivabe! Tony is inside the Jug! he is sucking up all the cherry flavoured syrupy goodness... Tony is starting to vibrate at an incredible rate! He is just a blur or Orange and Red! "THEEEERRRRREEEE GGGGRRRREEEAAATTTT!" Holy crap, Tony has exploded out of what was the Koolaid Jug, sending huge shards of glass flying everwhere...the few surviving ESL students picking themselves out of the ruble are now diving for cover! Tony is not stopping...He seems to be growing....This is madness! he is kicking over cars and busses like they are ants! Call in the military Craig! Tony has gone all Godzilla on us...Never give a big cat that much sugar!

Quick somebody get a ball of yarn or a bit of tinsel or something, we have to redirect Tony's energy. Wait, Jordan what are you going to do with that giant ball of tape....ohhhhhh, good idea. Folks, Jordan has ventured out into the rubble and has attached a giant ball of tape to Tony's back. Wow, I didn't know a cat could flatten out like that. He is obviously not enjoying the feel of that tape on his back. Tony is all slinky now and his back is quivering like a bowl full of jelly. It looks like that did the trick, Tony is slinking off into the distance and the custodial staff is cleaning up the remnants of Kool-Aid Jug.

It appears that the shards of the Koolaid Jug are starting to reform in a terminator 2 like puddle of molten glass...wait, I see a hand emerging from the puddle...its a thumbs up....and I hear a faint "oh yeah"...well since Tony-zilla is wigged out with tape on his back...I guess we have to give this one to Koolaid...barely.

And there you have it folks! Calamity again! Thanks for all the votes and comments this week, be sure to tune in next week for another thrilling throwdown right here on Monday Morning Fight Club!