How the Robot Shit Went Down

Well folks, here we are again in what looks to be the hollow, broken down shell of an abandoned old Nortel Building somewhere in Kanata . A band of ragged looking hobos have pushed some flaming garbage cans together in the shape of a ring around our two mechanical combatants; Bender and Johnny 5. Neither seem all that interested in fighting at the moment...wait whats this.. the Hobo king is standing up on his throne... I can't quite make out his face but he does seem somewhat familiar. It can't be....he looks just like Steve Guttenberg, once marginally popular 80's film star! It is him...Johnny 5 is spinning wildly with joy! Wait...I've lost track of Bender....Craig do you see where our other robot ruffian is?

Jordan, I believe that is Bender standing in the crowd watching Johnny 5, he's just standing there drinking straight out of a bottle of bourbon and smoking a cigar. He looks very unimpressed with Johnny 5's antics, who is now going from hobo to hobo asking if they "are a pepper too". I believe he is trying to score a Dr. Pepper in his own retarded little way. Steve Guttentard has started to mingle with some of his hobo minions and it looks like he is shooting his mouth off about the top of the line platinum and gold components he used when making Johnny 5. I've got to throw it out there Jordan, but what - a - bonehead. Johnny 5 is in trouble now, it looks like Bender overheard some of Guttentard's conversation. Yup, you don't have to be a lip reader to see that the fluctuating lines on Bender's mouth display mean he is in the throws of evil laughter. That evil laugh and the dollar signs now flashing in eye box can only mean one thing, Johnny 5 is fucked folks, Johnny 5 is F-U-C-K-E-D!

Not since that AT-AT crushed Luke's snowspeeder have I ever seen a one sided beat down like this. Bender has actually ripped one of Johnny's arms off and is beat him with it yelling "why are you hitting yourself?!?" in between bursts of crazed laughter! It's times like these that I think we should institute a mercy rule...there is liquor and motor oil everywhere now...quite unsightly! Look out! Bender has accidentally smacked the Guttentard right in the grill will the severed arm! Johnny 5 has given up his search for the prune-flavoured soft drink! his eyebrows are furrowing....menacingly...and they are now starting to glow red! His laser do-hickey seems to be powering up! Hobos are running for cover! Craig, Bender may indeed be boned!

Here comes the laser blast, but no, at the last second Bender tosses one of the dirtier hobos in the way and a few stray puppies for good measure. Johnny 5 is devastated, he cannot believe the carnage he has just caused. Bender is climbing up his back like a spider monkey, I think he is going for the laser. Yes, yes, ooooooooohhh my god, he just ripped the laser right off of Johnny 5's back. This is typical of Bender, he is now using the laser to melt down Johnny 5's gold and platinum parts. Johnny 5 is finished folks, he is a now a pile of cheap unwanted metal parts. Bender is still busy smithing that metal he took, and look at that Jordan he has just crafted himself one fancy looking crunk glass with all those precious metals. He is now sitting on a throne made of hobos sipping $5 bourbon out of his new crunk glass and smoking the butt end of a stogie he took out of Guttentard's busted yapper. Truly one for the record books Jordan.




Indeed Craig, truly remarkable...Thanks again for stopping by folks, be sure to stop by again Monday morning for another exciting match up! Don't forget to vote!

Full on Robot Battle!

Well folks this weeks exciting match-up features two metallic masters of mayhem, two tin titans of turmoil, two mechanical monsters of mass destruction, Johnny 5 and Bender! Who will dismantle who when these robotic fiends meet in battle?!?

If this was 1988 maybe Johnny 5 might stand a chance. Guess what, it's 2009 folks and Johnny 5 is going to be taking a long hard suck on Bender's shiny metal ass. Sure Johnny 5 is equipped with some fancy weapons, but come on, he was invented by Steve Guttentard and he is way too friendly for his own good. Bender is cold blooded yo! He's going to lull Johnny 5 into a false sense of robot brotherhood and then lay a horrific drunken pounding on the big robot. Let's face it after all, Johnny 5 is just an older more challenged version of Wall-e.

I think that this battle will come down to motivation. At first I thought Johnny 5 will win this match hands down...He is a purpose-built killbot armed with a crazy ass nuclear powered laser gun, and lets not forget that treads instead of feet will always be considered badass! But he is a lover and not a fighter and unless Bender threatens to hurt/maim/kill the possibly gay guy from Police Academy, the wierd goth girl from The Breakfast Club or Fisher Stevens cashing in on outdated 80's racist sterotypes, Johnny will be too busy picking flowers to fight anyone. Bender, on the other hand, is a purpose-built bending unit and has no offensive weapons. His greatest skill, out side of mass consumption of acohol, is bending steel gurders to precise angles (it should be noted that Johnny 5 is not a steel gurder). That being said, Bender should not be under-estimated. While not armed, he has in the past demonstrated an incredible level of deviousness, cunning, self-preservation, and greed. If Bender can figure out a way to profit from Johnny 5's demise, then I have to give this fight to him. He is just that sneaky.

Be sure to vote and feel free to let us know how you think the fight will go down by leaving a comment!