The Royal Showdown

Hi folks and welcome to the Royal Showdown. We have a pretty good crowd here this week at the Sparks Street Chicken and Rib Cook-off. Although Jordan, I'm not sure if most people are here lined up for good eats, or to see a tubby bitch chop socky the shit out of a skinny upstart. Skinny Elvis has just entered the street, it looks like he's got a loaded six-string on his back and is strutting his stuff looking for a scrap. He seems to be headed for the Billy Bones line up. Oh, and that's why. Fat Elvis is waiting in line for food. It looks like he already tried to wrangle a BBQ sauce covered pig or two. His white leather and rhinestone jumpsuit (with tassels of course) is covered in what appears to be a rich full bodied Texas bold rib sauce. Fat Elvis is arguing with the serving wench, it sounds like he is trying to order a BBQ sauce covered fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Nasty. I think he senses Skinny Elvis' approach, he is trying to whip around to face him but he doesn't seem to want to let go of the rack of ribs he ended up ordering. Ooooooo and Skinny Elvis just unloaded his six-string all over Fat Elvis' back, that's gotta hurt.

It looks like that blow leveled Fat Elvis! He is writhing on the ground in pain...no wait, he looks to be eating the ribs and sauce off of the pavement! Thats dedication! Skinny Elvis is distracted by a group of screaming ladies! He can't help himself, he has started gyrating his hips! Fat Elvis has finally finished his ribs and has gingerly made his way to his feet again! Look out Skinny Elvis! Here comes a hunka hunka dry rub right to the eyes! Now Skinny Elvis is the one screaming! Those hot cajun spices are going to work on his giant, doey eyes! Fat Elvis pauses to catch his breath...and then unloads on Skinny Elvis with a series of bizzare karate-like chops and kicks! Skinny Elvis still can't see through a spicy haze of tears as Fat Elvis picks up a pair of fried chickens and starts slapping Skinny Elvis in the face with one of them while he snacks on the other! Astounding!

Jordan, Skinny Elvis started out doing pretty good with that massive guitar attack to Fatty's back, but man has he ever started taking a shit kicking. Fat Elvis has just unloaded another series of Karate chops and kicks on the lean mean hip gyrating machine. Oooh gross, Fat Elvis just grabbed Skinny Elvis by the hair, bent over and farted right in his face. Oh lord, and Skinny Elvis had his mouth open to top it off.... Do you think it smells like BBQ sauce, hmmm? Oh, oh sorry back to the fight... My my, Fat Elvis seems to have ripped the ass out of his pants pulling that sick maneuver. He looks pretty embarrassed and is apologizing to the crowd, "uhuhhh s'cuse meh folksh, m-m-my bhad". Fucking nasty greasy fatty. I don't think that's gonna slow him down for long Jordan, he just stole a sauce covered rib off someone's plate and seems to be using it to power back up to optimum fatty ass kicking level.

If Skinny Elvis stands a chance he has to take advantage of this lul in the beat down...He seems to be looking around franticly! He sees an opening in the crowd. He lunges for it! A group of middle aged women have appeared from out of nowhere and blocked his path! The women are tearing at Skinny Elvis clothes, screaming with delight! Craig, I've lost sight of Fat Elvis! This is chaos! Whats this? I just got a very powerful waft of B.O., BBQ, and Egg Fart! GOOD LORD! Fat Elvis is emerging from a giant vat of "Hotter than Hell's tight red ruby starfish Hot Sauce"! Skinny Elivs is paralized with fear...except for his hips, which are still gyrating! He's caught in a trap, and he can't walk out! DAMN! Skiny Elvis just voided his bowls! Fat Elvis is closing the distance...slowly...painfully slow...he raises up a puffy, ring covered, pasty hand.."We can't go on together!" EESH! That had to be it! Fat Elvis just tipped himself over onto Skinny Elvis! Its just a pile of sequens, sauce and saggy flesh now. A hush has fallen over this crowd...Neither Elvis is getting up...This better not be another fucking tie! "BWAARRRPPPP!" -cough- -cough- SWEET HAMMER OF THOR! Fat Elvis just let out a thunderous belch... the fumes have leveled half the crowd! The big guy is up on his feet...rubbing his thighs in a repetative up and down motion. It appears that he just needed to make some room! FAT ELVIS IS FUCKING EATING SKINNY ELVIS! Now that is a decisive victory! Any idea how this may affect the space-time-elvis continuum?

Battle of the Kings

Hi folks and welcome to this weeks BATTLE OF THE KINGS. Here we have two unlikely combatants, whom I'm sure you would not expect to find battling each other. We pulled a few strings, we've woken the dead, and we've messed with the the space time continuum to bring you this battle. Here you have it folks, Skinny Elvis versus Fat Elvis.

Dude you gotta love the King,...uh'm Kings that is! Elvis had class man, even when he was a tubby fried peanut butter and banana sandwich eating mofo. As much as I hate ties, that is how I'm calling this one. After all how can the same guy beat himself. Skinny Elvis has youth and agility on his side, but Fat Elvis has a definite weight advantage as well as years of experience fending off hordes of groupies. Jordan, how do you see this playing out?



Well Craig this is a tough one to call. Skinny Elvis may have agility and stamina on his side but he foolishly squandered his early years filming crap surfing movies in a vain attempt at being James Dean. Fat Elvis, although lacking an athletic aesthetic, spent his time on a strict fried-food and mind-altering drug regimen, was a deputy sheriff, loved kung fu, and shot many a television! If Fat Elvis can stay lucid enough, I think he might have enough experience and reckless abandon to stick it to his younger self...If he doesn't die on the toilet again that is!