Former Child Star throw down!

Well Craig we have done everything we can to make this an exciting battle. We are here on rare sunny Thursday evening at the Children's Museum inside the Museum of Civilization in Hull/Gatineau. We have stashed several exciting and devastatingly vicious weapons amongst many of the "hands on" exhibits for our favorite former child stars to use. Our audience is made up of unruly, unkempt, daycare wards and the disheveled, malnourished, underpaid ladies that look after them. The screaming has started and the combatants haven't even arrived! Oh wait, correct me if I'm wrong Craig but is that morbidly obese kid two-fisting funnel cake over by the "port" exhibit really Webster?

Yes, Jordan I believe you are correct that is indeed Webster. What a horrible looking mess he turned out to be. Fuck me, but I smell a massive ass whooping about to be laid down. For the love of God do not give that tubby bitch any more cheeseburgers, save those delicious morsels for my fat ass. Mmmmmm. Our surprise guest is also here and in typical fashion a gangly looking Macaulay Culkin is setting up some cheesey looking booby traps throughout the maze of ethnically diverese dwellings. Oh, looky here, now entering the arena is the most hostile little security guard I have ever seen. As if knowing where it was placed Gary Coleman has picked up an evil looking medieval weapon from amongst the fake produce in the fake market, I think its a mace Jordan. Webster is tossing handfuls of funnel cake at Coleman as he approaches, but it isn't doing any good. Gary is determined to end this quickly laying a massive to handed blow to Webster's ample gut. The force of the hit has sent Webster reeling into the cargo ship. Coleman has nimbly jump up onto the platform and seems to be positioning one of the crates over top of Lewis' prone body. Whoa watch your head Jordan, out of nowhere Culkin has swung a couple cement laden paint cans at Coleman. His aim is well off, but he seems to have hit the crate Coleman was working on. Both the crate and the cement filled paint cans have crush poor plump little Webster.

HOT DAMN THAT IS A LOT OF BLOOD AND EFFLUENCE! For those of you at home I can only describe that as; an over sized, happy, toy block mashing a giant, over ripe grape! Truly disturbing in every way conceivable... truly. But whats this? It appears that this fight is far from over! Now little Arnold Drummond is taunting the lifeless body of Webster by repeatedly pressing his ass flesh against the side of the crate...oh wait it seems that some excrement is now in play...eeesh. The various children and soccer moms are now running around , arms flailing, screaming in horror. Good times indeed! I've lost sight of Mr. Coleman... Oh dear! The large, intricately decorated Indian school bus has started up. Gary is behind the wheel, his eyes crazed! UNBELIEVABLE! Mr. Coleman has run over the pile of human remains fromerly known as Emmanuel Lewis! Hard to not watch that again in slow motion, right Craig!

Mmmmmmm cheeseburgers.....Uh, sorry dude was uh, uhhhhhh concentrating on the match!?!? Oh god what happened to Webster, I mean cheeseburg...I mean how the fuck does that happen to someone, geeesh. Coleman is in a blood frenzy now Jordan. I think we should have invited someone a little beefier than poor Macaulay. That skinny little white boy is running scared now man. Arnold's got the crazy eyes going and is looking for the s.o.b. that peppered him with flying mousetraps. Macaulay is on the model Vespa trying to get away, but of course the damn thing won't start. Dude I can't watch this anymore, Coleman is right on top of him. Cheeseburger!?! Lord, I haven't heard that little puke scream like that since he plastered himself with aftershave lotion back in '92. Gruesome Jordan very gruesome.

Well folks, there you have it. Gary Coleman takes this weeks match with a very decisive win over his opponents. Join us again next week for more mayhem, thanks for reading and a big shout out to Darren for brining us this turd filled matchup!

Battle of the Knee-high Turds.

Hi folks this week on Monday Morning Fight Club, a reader submitted midget matchup. Facing off are two champions of 80s child acting, Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman. Now, we've done midgets before so I think we are going to have to mix it up a bit this time. At the last minute before these two losers face-off we are going to throw in 1 more surprise contestant. It could be anybody, so both of these douches could be laid to waste. The question is, who do you think will take less of a pounding, Webster or Arnold?

Jordan, I have to go with Gary Coleman on this one. Not only did he have a better tag line, but he also had more meat on his bones. I also think his post-acting career as a security guard has stretched his rage to the breaking point. I think years of watching himself on "where are they now" shows and trying to chase off drunk idiots will lead to a massive pit-bull like attack on poor little Emmanuel Lewis. Fuck it, who am I kidding, Webster is a puke, he was always trying to muscle in on Arnolds territory. I hope Gary Coleman messes him up good.

I have to agree with you on this one Craig. Coleman is built like a tiny brick shit-house, and seems to have the more aggressive personality besides, isn't he a security guard now or something? You know a guy that size would have to be tough to pull off that gig! ..whereas Webster is barely even memorable. He was short and thin! Now he seems Short and pudgy. I don't think this fight will go more than one round...I just can't see it.