Monday Morning Fight Club

Inventor Invent-off!

Well folks once again we have pulled some strings to set up a very special all-inventor battle here at Monday Morning Fight Club! Tonight's battle will be a slightly different format. The inventors will be given 30 minutes to assemble the best weapon they can out of materials on hand...here at the Ikea warehouse! At the end of thirty minutes, the combatants will face off in a classic "duel" format, the survivor will be crowned the winner. Also, since Ikea is technically Swedish sovereign territory we have a special guest referee; Senators captain and all-round awesome Swede, Daniel Allfedsson! No matter which way this fight goes...I'm not leaving until Alfie signs my favorite "KARLSTAD" chair!

Jordan I don't know what the fuck McGyver is doing but it certainly does not look like he is making a weapon. McMullet has holed up in one of the faux bedrooms and appears to be lighting about a million tiny shitt'n tea candles all over the fucking place, what-a-douche. He is so going to get his ass handed to him, what the hell is he doing!!! Wait a second, here come Ginger and Marianne, they've noticed the tea-candles-aplenty and are coming over to investigate. McGyver is trying to woo them closer with his mullet and bomber jacket. Oh brother! The two floozies seem to be falling for it, they've just stepped into his impromptu bachelor pad and McGyver is now hanging up a few shower curtains to block off the rest of the crowd. Jeez, it's taken McGyver 5 minutes to achieve what the Professor could not in several seasons. Oh my god, and look at that Jordan, while McGyver is hard at work boning the ladies he is also using a spare hand to work a DAMAST lantern, curtain rod and BEDDINGE futon into a Browning M2HB-QCB .50 Caliber machine gun. Fuck me, you have to hand it to him, he just is "that" good.

Well Craig that definitely sounds promising. The Professor has hunkered down here in the "as is" section after dragging a huge bundle of bamboo and rattan crap over from the garden section. In the past ten minutes he has constructed a rather imposing trebuchet out of discarded POANG chairs and BILLY bookcases. Ammunition for his siege weapon seems to be a pile of cast iron cookware no doubt pilfered from the kitchen section on his way through the store. Those things will definitely pack a wallop! He has also made a collection of spears and pungy sticks from bed posts and PAX storage system parts! Also, he seems to have fashioned a rudimentary mace from cookware and lamp parts, he is going all out! He looks like he has finished making his weapons a full 5 minutes early! Fittingly he is spending his remaining time lighting a few whimsical tiki torches around his perimeter! The professor is ready for combat!

Well the ladies have just emerged from McDeuche's private quarters and boy are they looking disheveled, ...happy, content, and melty, but definately disheveled. In a true act of classlessness the mulleteer has smacked Ginger on the ass and indicated to both ladies that they can find a gratuity and bus fare on his nightstand. How nice is that!?! Without giving them a second glance he is now tying a sweatband to his head and grabbing his .50 cal to start hunting professor coconut. Jordan I've followed McGreaser through most of the store now and he is definately having trouble finding the Professor. I think he is getting ready to switch up tactics though. Yes, indeed, McGibblet has ever so gingerly climbed into the ball pit and is simply going to wait till the Professor comes sauntering by....Well we didn't have to wait long, here comes the professor. McGyno is a patient man I'll give him that; he is just sitting back waiting for the Professor to enter his kill zone before he cuts him down. The Professor ain't no slouch though Jordan, I think he has spotted the mullet man in the ball pit. Indeed, McGyver knows the jig is up and is unloading that .50 cal as fast as he can. I can't see what happened to the Professor Jordan, but it sure looks like a war zone in here now.

That homemade cannon is shredding everything in the front entrance area...its a haze of linggenberry and pressed pine...the dust is settling...wait whats this? MacGarknuckle is out of the pit surveying the carnage...He is standing over a pile of furniture rubble where the Professor was standing...A ragged hand is reaching out of the rubble...but that does not look quite right!...that hand is metal! What we thought was the professor was actually a cleverly crafted Professor robot made out of HJUVIK faucets and spare allen keys! This Professor/Ikea/Terminator thingy is grabbing at MacG's greasy mullet! When did the professor have time to build this?!? Now the robot has dragged him over to a crudely marked "x" on the ground by the self checkout and is holding him there! Damn this could be it for MacGyver...even though he led the voting all week! I can see the real Professor in his "as is" fortress leveling a deafining barrage of verbal abuse at MacGyver! He has launched the Catapult...the hang time is impressive...MacG has closed his eyes, anticipating instant death from above...And the Dutchovens decapitate the unsusspecting robot...Marrianne and Ginger come running, lavishing the nearly missed MacGyver with kisses and deep tongue action! This is truly a horrible turn of events for the Professor!

Damn that was a close one Jordan, I thought the Professor had McGloven by the balls for sure. I think the only thing that saved him was the Professor's blind rage at realizing Marianne and Ginger are now used goods. It looks like McGyver lost his weapon in the melee, but is now off to recover it. With his trusty .50 cal in hand he seems to have tracked the Professor to the cafeteria and has him lined up in his sights. The Professor is a broken man Jordan, instead of turning to face his enemy he is busy trying to get the cafeteria staff to sprinkle toasted coconut on his Swedish Meatballs. It looks like McGyver is showing some mercy and sportsmanship, knowing that he has beaten the poor Professor he has decided to do the gentlemanly thing and just smear some $1 hotdogs all over the front of his shirt. The Professor is leaving the store in shame Jordan, leaving McGyver as the uncontested winner in this fight.

Dude, where did Alfie go? He was supposed to sign shit! He must have some important business to attend to! I wonder what that could be?