Monday Morning Fight Club

Miniature Epic Battle

Well folks here we are once again, on a beautifully wet Thursday evening, in Hogs back park. The stage is set as the damp but exuberant crowd gathers. We seem to have a disproportionate number of Smurf fans here tonight, they out number the Snork fans 5-1...this has the potential of turning very ugly! One can only hope. There is a food delivery truck backing towards the picnic area...the doors swing open...the Smurfs emerge to an uproarious cheer! They look like a victorious conquering army returning from a successful campaign! Little girls are passing out from a mere glance from Papa Smurf. Grown men are wetting themselves just to get a glimpse of the hyper-sexualized Smurfette! It is a pandemonium of adoration! Truly a remarkable entrance. I can not see how the Snorks will top this one.

What a bunch of jerks these Smurfs are. Look at them strut around the park Jordan, this is shameful, hell even Brainy Smurf is trash talking the Snorks. The Snorks on the other hand are nowehere to be seen Jordan. The Smurfs are calming down, it seems the lack of action is taking a toll on their initial excitement and enthusiasm. Most of the Smurfs are now relaxing next to the water, although it looks like they are keeping a keen eye on the shoreline. Oh my God, what the hell was that. A large number of Snorks just popped out of hidden bunkers scattered throughout the Smurf horde. It's the old rope-a-dope/Red Dawn technique, the Snorks have totally taken the Smurfs by surprise. This is total bedlam, there are Smurfs and Snorks smurfing and snorking everywhere. Meanwhile Smurfette is perched up on a rock flirting with every blue or hoseheaded passerby. The tide might be turning here Jordan, the Smufs who where caught off guard still out number the Snorks 2:1. But wait check this out, the Smurfs have left the shoreline unattended and as the battle rages a second wave of Snorks are emerging from the water in a flanking amphibious assault. Jordan, is this it, is the tide turning on the Smurfs!?!

Craig this battle reminds me of the opening to Lord of the Rings! except much smaller/lamer. The Second wave of Snorks has gained a beachhead and is advancing towards their main force...very tactical. The Snork leader, "All Star", has just beheaded Lazy Smurf and mounted his head on a pole. Gruesome, but an effective psychological weapon to be sure. The Smurfs seem to be in a state of panic, Smurfette has been carryed off the battle field by Greedy Smurf. I think that they may have underestimated their foe. But wait, high on a rock in the center of the battle, Papa Smurf is raising his banner and blowing a miniature horn! This seems to have given the Smurfs a rallying cry, they are starting to re-group! This could be the turning point!

This is fucking ridiculous Jordan, I mean really, a battle between Smurfs and Snorks. Fuck this, I'm stomping the little sonsofbitches! Don't worry I'll give you a detailed play by play. I'm leaving our protected observation area now Jordan and moving at a sluggish pace, maybe as a fast as a mosey, but a little more intense and aggressive, but I'm definately taking my time and not rushing this. My plan is to randomly squash theses fuckers until they decide to leave. Oooomppffff, dammit, I just slipped on something Jordan, it's kind of blueish red, it may have been a Smurf or a half eaten Rocket Popsicle. Whatever, at least I took out the first wave of Snorks when my fatassness landed on them. It looked like they were trying to regroup for a second run at the Smurfs. Fuck those little snorkleheaded biotches. Shit dude, I can't get up. Sonofawhore!!! The Smurfs are going Lilliputian on me man. They've tied down my legs and arms with what looks like a hundred tiny little ropes. I've got a little movement in my torso though, I think their ropes are a little to short for the task.

Dude, can you still hear me? They've stolen the mic out of my hand, crap, I feel some kind of spongy poking in my nether regions...pst don't tell anyone but its not entirely unpleasant....Help dude help, that's my mic they've got down there. Please god NOOOOOOOO!!!!........................

Jordan thanks for freeing me man, that was the longest five minutes of my life, remind me to never get involved in a battle again. I feel so violated and dirty. I think we have to give this one to the Smurfs man. Now please excuse me while I curl up and cry in the shower for a few hours.