Monday Morning Fight Club

War Between Worlds!

Well Craig, I've racked my brain all week on how we could best illustrate this completely abstract battle and I finally came up with a solution. Here in Orleans or "little O town", if you will, I have constructed our battle lab in a nondescript suburban basement. From our vantage point safe behind a one way mirror, we can see what looks to be an average living space complete with a balls-out gaming PC with a killer monitor and a plush headset, a wicked comfy chair, a big screen television, comfortable sectional couch, bookcases, hell I even took the liberty of putting in a fully stocked mini bar fridge. I propose that we send in three test subjects one at a time, have them log onto World of Warcraft and then we try to distract them with real world temptations!..their behavior will determine what will win this weeks battle!

Sounds like a great plan Jordan, let's not waste anymore time and just bring out our first contestant. I can hear the floor boards creaking now as he descends the basement steps. Whoever this fella is he has come prepared, he's toting a half drank 2 Liter Coke in one hand and bag of BBQ corn chips in the other. He's sitting at the computer and logging into his account. Lets give him a couple minutes in Azeroth before we tempt him though.............. It's been about an hour now and this guy seems pretty pleased with himself as he uses his level 80 pally to bully a group of level 10 players,...what a hero! Fuck this asstard, let's bring in the first of our temptations. Coming down the stairs now is the man's wife dressed in very tasteful but very arousing lingerie. He still hasn't noticed her, but she is now approaching him and bending over beside him pretending to pick something up off the floor. Holy crap, I bet he got whiplash his head spun around so fast. He is absently dusting off a few chip crumbs from his enormous gut as he lurches out of his chair. The game completely forgotten he is now following his rather hot wife up the stairs playing a bit of grab ass while he goes. Jordan I think this round clearly belongs to the Real World, thank you Porn and Sex for another fantastic showing.

Yeah for Porn and Sex! Well lets not waste any time airing out this dank geek cave and bring in our next subject. Lets see, he looks about 6 feet tall, slightly balding, unshaven, carrying a few extra elbees around the equator, sporting a pair of ill-fitting zubaz and a t-shirt he no doubt won in a case of wildcat strong. As before we should let him get fully immersed in the World of Warcraft before we begin...plus I could use a nap.....

...well we are back, Craig has passed out into a can of extreme bbq pringles, I'll let him sleep, he looks so peaceful...maybe he is dreaming of riding on a giant cat of his very own...Lets see, our "Hero" has been at it for four and a half hours,...and by the looks of the pile of empty red bull cans and Jos Louis wrappers he is in it for the long haul. With the first guy we tried sex, lets try something more realistic....Here comes his wife, wearing her unflattering "comfy" clothes, chain smoking and scratching her ass, her legs and armpits clearly unshaven for a long period of time, and she looks pissed! She is now unleashing a high volume, non-stop tirade on this guy! This is inhuman! The stuff she is spouting could make a marine drill Sargent cry! The only break in the verbal abuse is when she pauses to hack up a lung! Our test subject is still playing! He is weathering the barrage pretty well...What's this? It appears that the wife is now letting the kids have a turn...a boy with a rat tail is now pounding randomly on his nuts while a little girl is screaming directly into his ear...our "Hero" has had it...he looks like a broken man...he shuts the computer off and drags his sorry ass back up the stairs. Looks like the real world is 2-0! Poor bastard, If we had the technology from "TRON" I would let that guy live out the rest of his sorry existence Warcraft style! Wake up Craig, I grow weary...

Two down one to go. Bring in the next loser Jordan. Okay this guy looks like a piece of work, I think it is going to be hard to bring this geek down. Let me give you the full picture, Coke bottle glasses, rats nest for hair, Star Trek t-shirt, massive gut, cargo shorts, sandals with black socks, 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, 1 medium pizza, 2 bags of Doritos, mustard stains gallore, kleenex and lube. I really don't want to know what the last two items are for folks. As he goes to sit down it looks like he half summoned the chair to his gargantuan ass, that was kind of creepy, I think this guy was destined to live in the World of Warcraft. Let's try something different this time, let's bombard him with temptations now and not even give him a chance to get settled. Bring in the nagging wife Jordan. Wow this one is a firecracker, talk about wife aggro, she's given him a huge list of uncompleted chores. He so doesn't give a rat's ass though, look at him go, he's really making a push to grind his toon to level 80. Get rid of the wife, let's bring in a few pole dancers and see if he at least whips out the kleenex and lube....No sir, not even the seductive gyrations of 3 very fit ladies can get his attention. Hold on, he is getting out of his chair, maybe he is about to crack. Nope, false alarm, he is heading to the toilet. Oh Lord, he didn't close the door, he seems to be dropping lumber while reading the World of Warcraft User Manual. Good Lord, the ladies are gagging and running up the stairs as fast as they can. Fuck it, bring out everything we've got.....

.....Well Jordan, it's been 5 days since this loser sat down to play. Nothing we've done has broken his spirit yet, I think we might have to give this one to Azeroth. Wait a second, is he choking on something? Nope, I think he is having a heart attack. Don't help him, after that stunt he pulled yesterday with the coat hanger, African Violet, and mayonnaise he deserves to die. Well look at that folks, he is dead, if I had to guess I would say the total lack of exercise, sunlight, sex and real food killed this guy. Hmmmm that's 3 out of 3. I think it's fairly obvious folks but in the end the Real World will always beat the World of Warcraft! Sorry guys you are going to have to shelve your man-ginas eventually.