Monday Morning Fight Club

Cartoon Kid Throw Down!

Here we are at the Cosmic Adventures on Olgilvie road. It's a dreary Thursday evening...and well, Craig I have to say I never thought it would come to this, A savage battle between two cartoon icons; Stewie Griffin and Bart Simpson! Our largest crowd to date has gathered here for what looks to be a promising and deadly show down! Bart Simpson is here and is just putting the finishing touches on an "El Barto" graffiti tag on one of the larger plastic slides. He turns as the crowd parts, allowing the diminutive Stewie Griffin to enter our make shift combat ring. Bart circles Stewie, cautiously sizing him up...and...DAMN! Stewie just shot Bart in the head with an automatic pistol! Now he is pissing right into the bullet hole!!! This is grisly!

Well Jordan that was a fast one, Stewie sure made quick work of Bart. Here comes Homer, it looks like he has been quietly sobbing to himself but is now yelling “WHY ME, WHY ME”! He’s taking something out of his pocket, maybe a Kleenex or handkerchief to help wipe away his tears. No wait, it’s a wad of bills, he is putting on some bi-focal glasses now and is carefully counting out twenties to hand over to Mr. Teeny who is looking quite please with himself. Homer is now cursing “The Boy”, I can’t make out exactly what he is saying but it sounds like a mumbly “why that,.. no good, ….should say to that bologna,…gonna owe me,…..D’oh!” Interesting. What’s this now, here comes the victor’s father, Peter Griffin, and boy does he look pleased with himself. Hold on now, this is odd, Peter just stopped short of Stewie, he’s peering into the crowd as though seeing someone familiar and uttering the words “oh crap”! It looks as though a man sized yellow chicken is crawling out of the ball pit. After momentarily staring each other down Peter and The Chicken are charging each other and an all out slug fest has begun. Peter just punched The Chicken in the throat sending him flying through some of the tubes. I’ve lost them now can you see him from where you are standing Jordan?

Luckily Craig I followed them outside and on to a bus, I think it was the #127! The fight is still raging! Peter has ripped the change/ticket stand out of the floor and is beating the chicken and the bus driver with it!, there is broken glass, bus tickets, blood, feathers, and small change everywhere! The bus seems to be on a collision course with the Perkins on St. Laurent...and seeing how it is only 4:30, it must be packed to the gills with "silver hairs"! ........That was rough! The chicken just held Peters body outside of the bus as we careened into the restaurant! That kind of beating should stop anyone but it appears that the fight is still going! From the sounds of it Peter is giving the chicken a "swirly" in the deep fryer! The chicken counters by squirting a gallon of "Whirl" into Peters eyes and he set him on Fire! Craig I hope you are close by! This fight is intense!

Jordan, it looks like Peter has thrown The Chicken through the back wall of the restaurant and is now giving him a flurry of roundhouse kicks sending him sprawling into the middle of the road. The Chicken is getting up and has just clothes lined a guy off his motorcycle and is now taking off on the semi destroyed bike. Peter who has somehow managed to obtain some old football pads, black face paint and a cherry red Mohawk wig has hot-wired what appears to be a modified rusted out Trans-Am with razor sharp blades sticking out the doors and a cow catcher from what has to be a very old train welded to the front bumper. Peter is giving chase to The Chicken; the two morons are punching and kicking each every chance they get. Both combatants have now gotten on the Queensway and The Chicken appears to be moving well out in front of Peter. Peter has just cranked the knob on a canister of Nitros and his post apocalyptic shit box has just rocketed up the road approaching The Chicken’s bike. Mini-vans and SUVs are being smashed out of the way like they are pieces of rubbish. Peter has caught up with The Chicken and has run both the motorcycle and his own vehicle off the road and into the Rideau canal. The slug fest is continuing up the canal, stank water and blood are flying everywhere. The Chicken has grabbed a dirty, greasy Carp out of the algae and weeds and is smacking Peter mercilessly across the face with it.

Craig, from here it looks to be a Pike, and all I can say is...that fish is definitely dead. Peter seems to have recovered nicely though, he just clipped the chicken with a scooter to the head! The chicken has made a break for it, he just hijacked a houseboat and Peter, wearing water wings, is in hot pursuit! The Chicken has noticed that Peter seems to be at a disadvantage! The Chicken is turning around and seems intent on running Peter down! Peter is doing his best to swim away from the Chicken but it is just a matter of time...This could be it! Wait! Whats this!!! It was a trap! Peter was dragging a sea mine behind him! If the water wasn't so nasty the Chicken might have been able to see it before it was too late! The explosion has destroyed the houseboat! It's raining shitty canal water and feathers everywhere! The Chicken is nowhere to be found! That blast has emptied the canal...Peter is standing victoriously in the center of the nasty, sloppy, muckey, mess of beaver tail wrappers and sewage.

You're a jackass, you must have turd vision because that was not a Pike that was a Carp and I'm pretty sure it swam away the second it hit the water.

But I digress. I think we spoke too soon, I see a pair of beady blood shot eyes staring up at Peter from the ass mud at the bottom of the now empy canal. Materializing out of the mud like some shit stained version of a T1000 is The Chicken. He has managed to catch Peter off guard and has landed a devistating blow to the solarplexis. Peter is one fat tough cookie though, as he finishes dry heaving and comes up for air both he and The Chicken grab each other's throats in death like grips. This surely will be the end of one of them Jordan. But wait, what is that, jumping off the roof of the Dow's Lake Pavilion, it's none other than Homer Simpson. What a spectacular feet of retardedness, he is flying through the air with the grace of a 500 lb male walrus. Folks, the magnitude of the impact is unbelievable, Homer's gut has driven Peter and The Chicken to the bottom of the muck and the recoil has launched Homer back to dry land. Homer is now pointing at the spot where Peter and The Chicken last stood and launching into some nonsensical tirade about avenging his fallen boy, but what is this, he has stopped mid-sentence to go chasing after a squirrel, "hee hee hee". I can hear his laughter from here. I think we can safely say that is a wrap Jordan.

And there you have it folks, Stewie is this weeks big winner. And special thanks to Barry for this weeks match up suggestion, enjoy the butter tarts!