Monday Morning Fight Club

The Biggest Play by Play Ever

Well Craig, I have been looking forward to this match up all week! Two of my childhood favorites are set to square off right here in Ottawa! The police have evacuated most of the important so and so's from the downtown core and we appear to be all set. We are just waiting on the arrival of our two combatants. Luckily for us, we managed to get an unobstructed view from the Sea King helicopter on loan to us from the Canadian Forces! I hear the music! This is it! Godzilla is making his way up the Ottawa river, he appears to be caked in Peitre Island mud...the stink is visible! rumor has it he laid waste to Thurso on his way here...and nobody noticed (rim shot!). Any sign of Ultraman or should I say Shin Hayata.

Jordan, I haven't seen Ultraman yet, but holy shit does Godzilla stink. I hope he didn't ingest any of that Petrie Island mud or else we are going to have one hell of a mess on our hands. Oh, hold on there's Ultraman down at the foot of the Rideau Canal locks. The little space ninja is growing right before my eyes, and I'm not talking about my dick here folks. The combatants have made eye contact and Godzilla is not wasting any time blasting Ultraman with a huge bolt of atomic breath. Ultraman has been sent flying through the Bytown Museum and has landed on the War Memorial. Godzilla is climing out of the canal to give chase. What the heck is that on his foot Jordan. From here is looks like a moldy yellow bus with "Lady Duck" written on the side. OOOooooo that's not good. Godzilla and Ultraman are on a rampage, the War Memorial is toast and they have also destroyed Parliment and the Bytown Market. This is mass destruction!!

Indeed! It seems our two foes have run out of landmarks to smash! Come to think of it Ottawa is a horrible city for these guys to let loose in. Godzilla just let off another blast of thermo-nuclear breath...hitting nothing in particular...Ultraman is still busy striking intimidating space ninja poses, occasionally firing off random bolts of energy...also hitting nothing. Ultraman is really cutting this close, he is on the clock as Ultraman and if I remember correctly, when he runs out of stored up solar-juice, he shrinks back down to "Shin size" and Big "G" will be scrapping him of the bottom of his feet.

What the hell was that horrendous gurgling sound Jordan? Holy crap, here it comes dude. Godzilla is holding his stomach and he does not look good. My guess, Petri Island mud doing it's thing. Yup, indeed, Godzilla has just shat all over the squigee kids that were smoking dope on the Rideau Center roof garden. Ooooo and here comes the second blast, absolutely covering the pathetic artsies crying over their smashed National Gallery. He's not finished folks, Godzilla is being selective this time. Yes, indeed it looks like he is positioning his ass for an extra special delivery, oooooooooo and he just ass-spray painted some poor schmuck tweeting on his Blackberry. Ultraman has been hanging back while Godzilla unloads, but now that shitfest is done he is on the move.

Ultraman just grabbed Godzilla by the tail and is spinning him around wildly, this might be it Craig! Uh-oh, Ultraman is shrinking! He is reverting back to his human alter-ego! Godzilla is loose again, but he seems to be having a hard time finding Mini-Ultraman ...Wait, what is that metal on metal noise? GODDAMN SEA KING P.O.S.! WE ARE GOING DOWN!!!!!

Craig, I have never seen anything (not made by Dodge) fall apart that fast! Its a good thing we were thrown clear on impact! Not to mention the fact that I remembered to wear my cup!

For sure Jordan, look at that I can see the inside of the Sea King and it looks like the engine was comprised mostly of Tinker Toys. Only in Canada dude. Godzilla is now spinning in circles wildly trying to find Ultraman. The big idiot has gotten himself so dizzy, he is tripping over Ottawa U. Oh, that is just typical, our shistained mega lizard has just squashed Ultraman under his gigantic green crap covered ass. Typical dude, typical.

And there you have it folks, yet another attempt at a humorous show down...tune in next week for more of the same!....or else.