The Biggest Play by Play Ever

Well Craig, I have been looking forward to this match up all week! Two of my childhood favorites are set to square off right here in Ottawa! The police have evacuated most of the important so and so's from the downtown core and we appear to be all set. We are just waiting on the arrival of our two combatants. Luckily for us, we managed to get an unobstructed view from the Sea King helicopter on loan to us from the Canadian Forces! I hear the music! This is it! Godzilla is making his way up the Ottawa river, he appears to be caked in Peitre Island mud...the stink is visible! rumor has it he laid waste to Thurso on his way here...and nobody noticed (rim shot!). Any sign of Ultraman or should I say Shin Hayata.

Jordan, I haven't seen Ultraman yet, but holy shit does Godzilla stink. I hope he didn't ingest any of that Petrie Island mud or else we are going to have one hell of a mess on our hands. Oh, hold on there's Ultraman down at the foot of the Rideau Canal locks. The little space ninja is growing right before my eyes, and I'm not talking about my dick here folks. The combatants have made eye contact and Godzilla is not wasting any time blasting Ultraman with a huge bolt of atomic breath. Ultraman has been sent flying through the Bytown Museum and has landed on the War Memorial. Godzilla is climing out of the canal to give chase. What the heck is that on his foot Jordan. From here is looks like a moldy yellow bus with "Lady Duck" written on the side. OOOooooo that's not good. Godzilla and Ultraman are on a rampage, the War Memorial is toast and they have also destroyed Parliment and the Bytown Market. This is mass destruction!!

Indeed! It seems our two foes have run out of landmarks to smash! Come to think of it Ottawa is a horrible city for these guys to let loose in. Godzilla just let off another blast of thermo-nuclear breath...hitting nothing in particular...Ultraman is still busy striking intimidating space ninja poses, occasionally firing off random bolts of energy...also hitting nothing. Ultraman is really cutting this close, he is on the clock as Ultraman and if I remember correctly, when he runs out of stored up solar-juice, he shrinks back down to "Shin size" and Big "G" will be scrapping him of the bottom of his feet.

What the hell was that horrendous gurgling sound Jordan? Holy crap, here it comes dude. Godzilla is holding his stomach and he does not look good. My guess, Petri Island mud doing it's thing. Yup, indeed, Godzilla has just shat all over the squigee kids that were smoking dope on the Rideau Center roof garden. Ooooo and here comes the second blast, absolutely covering the pathetic artsies crying over their smashed National Gallery. He's not finished folks, Godzilla is being selective this time. Yes, indeed it looks like he is positioning his ass for an extra special delivery, oooooooooo and he just ass-spray painted some poor schmuck tweeting on his Blackberry. Ultraman has been hanging back while Godzilla unloads, but now that shitfest is done he is on the move.

Ultraman just grabbed Godzilla by the tail and is spinning him around wildly, this might be it Craig! Uh-oh, Ultraman is shrinking! He is reverting back to his human alter-ego! Godzilla is loose again, but he seems to be having a hard time finding Mini-Ultraman ...Wait, what is that metal on metal noise? GODDAMN SEA KING P.O.S.! WE ARE GOING DOWN!!!!!

Craig, I have never seen anything (not made by Dodge) fall apart that fast! Its a good thing we were thrown clear on impact! Not to mention the fact that I remembered to wear my cup!

For sure Jordan, look at that I can see the inside of the Sea King and it looks like the engine was comprised mostly of Tinker Toys. Only in Canada dude. Godzilla is now spinning in circles wildly trying to find Ultraman. The big idiot has gotten himself so dizzy, he is tripping over Ottawa U. Oh, that is just typical, our shistained mega lizard has just squashed Ultraman under his gigantic green crap covered ass. Typical dude, typical.

And there you have it folks, yet another attempt at a humorous show down...tune in next week for more of the same!....or else.

Kaiju Beat Down!

This weeks match up is the largest we've ever covered here at Monday Morning Fight Club. Ultraman, solar powered, super-sized superhero faces Godzilla, king of all monsters !

Craig I have to say I am thrilled to see how this weeks battle will go down! Even though I dig the giant silver space ninja I have to side with nuclear powered lizard on this one. Godzilla just does not know how to lose. He has taken on all challengers in his epic career and keeps coming back for more! His combination of rage, determination, and thermonuclear breath beam will make short work of the brave yet soon to be dead silver giant!

I have to agree with you on this one Jordan. Godzilla will be the one handing the beat down this week. Although Ultraman does look like a chrome plated ninja, I still don't think he has the shiny metallic balls to stand toe to toe with the master of mayhem himself. Godzilla is going to pull his shitty rubber wetsuit out of the ocean and blast Ultraman back to the stoneage...actually I'm pretty sure that was a plot in one of these crap Japanese movies. If Ultraman is lucky maybe a random passing Garukadon will save his ass.

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All Sugar Showdown Play by Play!

Well folks, here we are again, on a beautiful Thursday night in the cafeteria of the Adult High School off of Gladstone. School custodians have marked out a crude, yet impressive ring using what looks to be alternating buckets of lard, mystery meat, pickles, and boxes labeled "Non-nutritive gravy-sauce". The crowd is looking a little confused but anxious. Tony the tiger is making his entrance held high on the shoulders of a crowd of lunch ladies. Tony is taking his time, shaking hands, signing cleavage, and waving to his fans. Truly an awe inspiring sight! Oh whats this? The remedial shop students are wheeling a large brick wall in front of the cafeteria doorway...this can only mean..."OH YEAH" there he is folks, the one and only bright red pitcher of wrecking ball known as "the Kool-Aid Jug". Tony seems to have taken exception to some flying debris from the Jugs entrance...and the fight is on!

As I'm sure everyone knows Tony is really into sports and he is showing his athelticism right now. He is really laying into Kool-Aid Jug, the Judo skills that Tony has are incredible. Kool-Aid Jug may be able to smash through walls, but Tony is smashing him through everything else. Jordan I've lost count of how many lunch tables have been smashed by the fight. Now Tony is holding Kool-Aid Jug up off the ground by his feet and is spinning him in circles faster and faster. Whoa, he just let him go and Kool-Aid Jug just smashed through about 10 walls. I can't see him anymore, but he's got to be hurting. It looks like the big cat is taking the break in action as an oppertunity to sit on his haunches and pull his ass across the floor. I can barely hear what he's saying, but it sounds kind of like a half purr, half "tttthhhaaattttsss ggggrrrreeeaaattt". You know, I had a cat once that swallowed a string and he did much the same thing........uhhhhh sorry, never mind. I still can't see Kool-Aid Jug, how's it look from your angle Jordan?

That is definitely going to leave one hell of a skid mark! This has turned into mass chaos, there are lunch trays embedded in the ceiling tiles, a pyramid of benches is on fire off in the far corner. The crowd is chanting in wild, foreign languages...it is bedlam! There is a distant rumble now...I think the Koolaid Jug is making his way back...oh and he knocks another wall down...this is getting dangerous...the whole building is creaking and wobbling now...thats it...he's done it. That was one wall too many, the building is coming down around us! Hang on folks while we sort this out...

...Well the ruble has finaly settled, and the dust is now disapating. I can make out the Koolaid guy...he may be the winner, I can't seem to locate Tony the Tiger...wait whats this!!! Unbelivabe! Tony is inside the Jug! he is sucking up all the cherry flavoured syrupy goodness... Tony is starting to vibrate at an incredible rate! He is just a blur or Orange and Red! "THEEEERRRRREEEE GGGGRRRREEEAAATTTT!" Holy crap, Tony has exploded out of what was the Koolaid Jug, sending huge shards of glass flying everwhere...the few surviving ESL students picking themselves out of the ruble are now diving for cover! Tony is not stopping...He seems to be growing....This is madness! he is kicking over cars and busses like they are ants! Call in the military Craig! Tony has gone all Godzilla on us...Never give a big cat that much sugar!

Quick somebody get a ball of yarn or a bit of tinsel or something, we have to redirect Tony's energy. Wait, Jordan what are you going to do with that giant ball of tape....ohhhhhh, good idea. Folks, Jordan has ventured out into the rubble and has attached a giant ball of tape to Tony's back. Wow, I didn't know a cat could flatten out like that. He is obviously not enjoying the feel of that tape on his back. Tony is all slinky now and his back is quivering like a bowl full of jelly. It looks like that did the trick, Tony is slinking off into the distance and the custodial staff is cleaning up the remnants of Kool-Aid Jug.

It appears that the shards of the Koolaid Jug are starting to reform in a terminator 2 like puddle of molten glass...wait, I see a hand emerging from the puddle...its a thumbs up....and I hear a faint "oh yeah"...well since Tony-zilla is wigged out with tape on his back...I guess we have to give this one to Koolaid...barely.

And there you have it folks! Calamity again! Thanks for all the votes and comments this week, be sure to tune in next week for another thrilling throwdown right here on Monday Morning Fight Club!