Space Commander Play by Play!

Well here we are on a glorious Thursday night at the Sobey's in Barrhaven. A small crowd has assembled to witness a titanic battle of space-faring commanders! Captain Kirk, his cart full of hungry-man dinners and spray cheese, just rounded the frozen food aisle and is now making his way to the seafood counter, he's pointing hungrily at a lobster in the tank when...Ackbar rides in out of nowhere on a shopping cart! He did not drop out of light speed too early on that one! His surprise attack sends the tubby sex-addict reeling into a tower of marshmallow spread jars! Now displaying a diagonal cut on his uniform, Kirk is quickly back on his feet and the two square off! Just where did that cut come from Craig? He always manages the exact same wardrobe malfunction every time he fights!

Wardrobe malfunction, now that is one sloppy tit that I do not need to see. Ackbar sure is getting worked up, look at those eyelids blink, it's almost hypnotizing. He's blinking faster and faster, and look at this it's throwing Kirk into seizures. For a nasty crotch smelling rebel admiral he sure is crafty. I think he is going in for the kill Jordan. Those fake looking shitty plastic claws sure look menacing right now.

Indeed they do Craig! But I don't think Kirk is having any kind of seizure...In a true display of good sportsmanship he could be timing his movements and speech to coincide with the Admirals blinking...either that or he just moves and talks like a giant space 'tard! It doesn't matter now because here comes a two-handed tomahawk chop from the mustard shirted pervert! Oooooo, that had to hurt, the big fish took that one in the gills! They are both staggering now, this fight has dragged on for over three minutes! Neither of the fighter are displaying any kind of physical conditioning or desire to continue...truly sad to behold!

Ouch and look at that, the big squid has shit himself from exertion. Pardon me, that's actually Ackbar's Ink cache. For those of you that don't know, squirting ink out his rectum is the Admirals main flight mechanism. This one is over folks, Ackbar is too ashamed to go on, he is now calling for a jizz mopper to come and clean him up. Look at this folks, Ackbar's wife and daughter have come out to give the shamed admiral some encouragement and moral support. Jordan, I can't believe what I'm seeing, Kirk in a true display of tastelessness is hitting on Ackbar's daughter and playing a bit of grab ass with his wife. Kirk truly does want to go where no man has gone before. Shameful, shameful indeed.

Right you are Craig! Shameful. Todays winner is Captain Kirk by default as Admiral Ackbar was too ashamed to continue. Thank you for voting this week and stay tuned to Monday Morning Fight Club next Monday for another exciting match up! Hint: Mullets and a Big Cat!

Admiral Ackbar vs Captain Kirk

Space commander show down!

Kirk, alone beams down to a remarkably familiar deserted planet, after delivering a long winded monologue on the fate of man amongst the stars, Admiral Ackbar, fresh from an Attack-the-Death-Star conference call, jumps out and confronts him! On one side we have the fishy rebel admiral and on the other, the quintessential cosmic Lothario. who will come out on top?

Well Craig, this is a geeks wet-dream-of-a-match-up, Floppy Fish vs Fat n'Bald!. It could be a close one. Kirk would no-doubt try to seduce the Admiral first, throwing a barrage of stilted movements and his own brand of poorly....delivered....pick...up.... lines. At this point the Admiral would easily deduce; "It's a Trap" and backhand the portly Starfleet stooge with his lobster claw/flipper. Reeling from the blow, Kirk's new tactic would be to try and fashion some sort of rudimentary weapon out of the materials at hand, but lacking any real skills (and Spock's help) he would resort to bashing the stinky rebel with the largest available stick. Sucking wind and blinking repeatedly, the admiral would decide to fall back and wait for things to tip into his favor. Like-wise, Kirk would be winded by now by the extended physical exertion and he would retreat to the nearest available cover and wait for Spock to show up and save his sorry ass. Tired from the fight, and more than a little disappointed from the lack of inter-species love-making, Kirk would relax the girdle and take a nap. Having out-waited his opponent, Ackbar executes a sneak attack and feeds Kirk his teeth, after all this guy did lead the attack that destroyed the second Death Star so you know he has big fishy balls!.

Simply said Kirk is going to fuck Ackbar's shit up good. Kirk has fucked, and fucked up more aliens than anyone else in the known universe. Ackbar and his floppity latex shit suit are screwed. That calamari eating mother-fucker isn't going to be able to blink his way out of this one.