Straight up Inventor Battle
(making new shit out of other shit)
MacGyver Vs The Professor

Jordan I think this is going to turn out to be a pretty interesting match. On one hand we have the mulleted inventor MacGyver and on the other we have the inventor of all things coconut, the Professor. Whom, by the way, I still think should have boned both Marianne and Ginger. Dude they were soooo ripe for the picking. I mean who else on that island could have serviced those two ladies?? The Skipper, I think not!!! As far as who will win this battle, it's a tough call, I like both these guys and they both have mad skills, yo! However, The Professor never managed to invent anything that got those castaways off their island. MacGyver on the other hand escaped all kinds of shit with nothing but bubble gum, paper clips and elastics. I gotta give the edge to MacGyver on this one dude.

Both of these guys are certified geniuses, I think this fight will be decided by the materials on hand! That being said, Craig, I always thought that the reason the Professor never invented anything like a "boat" was so he could have a crack at a Ginger/ Marianne threesome. Think about it. He's is a dorky nerd. Back in civilization he would never have a chance with a movie star and a hot farmers daughter! But on that Island all he has to compete with is a fat guy with anger issues, a bean-pole retard, and an old rich guy that can't get it up (ordinarily the girls would go for the rich guy regardless of his looks/personality but in this case is fortune was rendered worthless by being stuck on the island). He was biding his time! Not to mention that fucker can make anything out of a handful of coconuts and bamboo! On the other hand, MacGyver has been an icon of cool since 1985! He was the king of throwing shit together and making something cool out of crap lying around. His only weaknesses are; an apparent lack of motivation (they had to twists his arm or trick him into action every fucking episode!), and a strong non violent streak (his mullet is not a weakness, instead it is the source of his powers, like a modern day Samson). I think it will take a lot of motivation for MacGyver to even show up for this weeks battle.

The Royal Showdown

Hi folks and welcome to the Royal Showdown. We have a pretty good crowd here this week at the Sparks Street Chicken and Rib Cook-off. Although Jordan, I'm not sure if most people are here lined up for good eats, or to see a tubby bitch chop socky the shit out of a skinny upstart. Skinny Elvis has just entered the street, it looks like he's got a loaded six-string on his back and is strutting his stuff looking for a scrap. He seems to be headed for the Billy Bones line up. Oh, and that's why. Fat Elvis is waiting in line for food. It looks like he already tried to wrangle a BBQ sauce covered pig or two. His white leather and rhinestone jumpsuit (with tassels of course) is covered in what appears to be a rich full bodied Texas bold rib sauce. Fat Elvis is arguing with the serving wench, it sounds like he is trying to order a BBQ sauce covered fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Nasty. I think he senses Skinny Elvis' approach, he is trying to whip around to face him but he doesn't seem to want to let go of the rack of ribs he ended up ordering. Ooooooo and Skinny Elvis just unloaded his six-string all over Fat Elvis' back, that's gotta hurt.

It looks like that blow leveled Fat Elvis! He is writhing on the ground in pain...no wait, he looks to be eating the ribs and sauce off of the pavement! Thats dedication! Skinny Elvis is distracted by a group of screaming ladies! He can't help himself, he has started gyrating his hips! Fat Elvis has finally finished his ribs and has gingerly made his way to his feet again! Look out Skinny Elvis! Here comes a hunka hunka dry rub right to the eyes! Now Skinny Elvis is the one screaming! Those hot cajun spices are going to work on his giant, doey eyes! Fat Elvis pauses to catch his breath...and then unloads on Skinny Elvis with a series of bizzare karate-like chops and kicks! Skinny Elvis still can't see through a spicy haze of tears as Fat Elvis picks up a pair of fried chickens and starts slapping Skinny Elvis in the face with one of them while he snacks on the other! Astounding!

Jordan, Skinny Elvis started out doing pretty good with that massive guitar attack to Fatty's back, but man has he ever started taking a shit kicking. Fat Elvis has just unloaded another series of Karate chops and kicks on the lean mean hip gyrating machine. Oooh gross, Fat Elvis just grabbed Skinny Elvis by the hair, bent over and farted right in his face. Oh lord, and Skinny Elvis had his mouth open to top it off.... Do you think it smells like BBQ sauce, hmmm? Oh, oh sorry back to the fight... My my, Fat Elvis seems to have ripped the ass out of his pants pulling that sick maneuver. He looks pretty embarrassed and is apologizing to the crowd, "uhuhhh s'cuse meh folksh, m-m-my bhad". Fucking nasty greasy fatty. I don't think that's gonna slow him down for long Jordan, he just stole a sauce covered rib off someone's plate and seems to be using it to power back up to optimum fatty ass kicking level.

If Skinny Elvis stands a chance he has to take advantage of this lul in the beat down...He seems to be looking around franticly! He sees an opening in the crowd. He lunges for it! A group of middle aged women have appeared from out of nowhere and blocked his path! The women are tearing at Skinny Elvis clothes, screaming with delight! Craig, I've lost sight of Fat Elvis! This is chaos! Whats this? I just got a very powerful waft of B.O., BBQ, and Egg Fart! GOOD LORD! Fat Elvis is emerging from a giant vat of "Hotter than Hell's tight red ruby starfish Hot Sauce"! Skinny Elivs is paralized with fear...except for his hips, which are still gyrating! He's caught in a trap, and he can't walk out! DAMN! Skiny Elvis just voided his bowls! Fat Elvis is closing the distance...slowly...painfully slow...he raises up a puffy, ring covered, pasty hand.."We can't go on together!" EESH! That had to be it! Fat Elvis just tipped himself over onto Skinny Elvis! Its just a pile of sequens, sauce and saggy flesh now. A hush has fallen over this crowd...Neither Elvis is getting up...This better not be another fucking tie! "BWAARRRPPPP!" -cough- -cough- SWEET HAMMER OF THOR! Fat Elvis just let out a thunderous belch... the fumes have leveled half the crowd! The big guy is up on his feet...rubbing his thighs in a repetative up and down motion. It appears that he just needed to make some room! FAT ELVIS IS FUCKING EATING SKINNY ELVIS! Now that is a decisive victory! Any idea how this may affect the space-time-elvis continuum?