Monday Morning Fight Club

2009-08-03T06:00:00.001-04:00

Best Fight Ever!

Well folks it this week we have a very special match up in store for you....well not really. It seems Craig has decided to take this week and make nature his bitch once again. As a result we would like to take this opportunity to ask our readership who they would like to see featured as a combatant in a future episode. So feel free to list as many people/zombies/robots/ghosts as you would like in the comments section. The more obscure the better. As an example; Zombie Christopher Reeves Vs Robot, Werewolf Ricardo Mantelban.

2009-07-31T06:00:00.003-04:00

Showdown at the Crocodile-Coral

Well folks, here we are at Little Ray's reptile zoo on a surprisingly dry Thursday evening. A pathetic looking crowd of three people (are three people a crowd?) have gathered around a somewhat pathetic looking "crocodile enclosure", pathetic. Craig is busy looking for the toilet and some snacks (in that order) so it is up to yours truly to describe the entrances of our Aussie combatants. Crocodile Dundee has just entered pushing aside the beaded curtain separating this area from the snake "zone". He seems winded from the effort, the years have not been kind. Now we await the Crocodile hunter himself, Steve Irwin (not dead for our purposes but rather in his prime) CRIKIE! he just sprinted in and jumped little Ray! hold on, now he is saying something about "this infuriates the Reptile Zoo owner " wow, nice entrance, Craig may have been right about this match up after all. oh wait I hear flushing.....

Sorry dude, had to kill a brown snake myself, if you know what I mean. I didn't find any snacks though, unless you count a couple tanks full of crickets. A little too crunchy for my liking. Anyway, dude this is a pretty pathetic looking venue Jordan. Most of the reptiles in here are beneath either opponents notice. Maybe that is good because both combatants are sizing each other up. Steve definately looks eager to get into things and seems to be giving commentary on his every move, but I can't seem to hear him from my vantage point. Dundee is looking around nervously, but is now smiling as he whips out once hell of a knife. Steve was momentarily taken aback, but has regained composure and is now trying to hog tie Dundee. Holy shit Jordan, Little Ray must be pretty pissed from being jumped earlier. He has just come screaming into the room throwing an enourmous snake at Steve and Dundee. I think it's an Anaconda if I'm not mistaken, and it also seems to have taken a liking to Dundee.

Damn! I had no idea that an Anaconda was capable of eating Dundee that quickly! Now Irwin has jumped on the back of the bloated snake and is wrestling it into submission! Amazing! Craig what is that noise coming from inside the snake? It sounds like moaning...oh wait I recognize that! Look at that, the big snake is asleep! Dundee hypnotized the snake from the inside! Astounding! Irwin is now "milking" the sedated serpent, pushing the lump that is Dundee forward until finally, eeesh thats nasty! The dozing Anaconda has regurgitated the leathery Paul Hogan! and he is drinking a Fosters king can to boot! Very sportsmanlike behaviour from the Corcodile Hunter there Craig, not something we are used to here at Monday Morning Fight Club!

No Jordan, but that is prime Steve Irwin for you dude. The man was a total pro and treated all wildlife with respect, including one formerly famous Paul Hogan. Steve has now positioned himself on top of a few cages and is sizing up Hogan about to make his move. I think Hogan knows this is hopeless and has resigned himself to just being able to finish his beer. Steve is about to make his move, and "YES" he has pounced onto Dundee. Steve has some weird crocadile lasso wrapped around Hogan's upper jaw and the top of his head. He is making short work of this Jordan. Yup, that is it dude. The Crocodile Hunter is done. He has finished wrangling Dundee and is now giving a short lesson on the natural habitat and beer drinking prowess of the Outback Leatherfaced Aussie.

There you have it folks, Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter and bitched slapped poor old Crocodile Dundee. Thanks for joining us this week on Monday Morning Fight Club!!

2009-07-27T06:00:00.003-04:00

All Crocodile Battle!

Well folks this week we have a very special all crocodile battle planned. This hypothetical fight will pit the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin (in his prime crocodile wrestling years) against Crocodile Dundee, Paul Hogan (did he even have "Prime years"?)!

Well Craig I'll start by saying That The Crocodile hunter was one tough bastard! After watching just a few of his exploits you get the sense that this man was fearless! Wresting giant man-eating crocs, wrangling the worlds most poisonous snakes, diving with great whites all seemed par for the course with this guy, and he did it all with a fucking smile. I mean, come on, it took a one in a bazillion shot of a sting ray stinger accidentally piercing his heart to kill the guy! I step on a piece of Lego in bare feet and I'm down for at least 20 minutes! That being said, I have seen "Crocodile Dundee" like 30 times. This guy was smooth! Dundee can hypnotize impressively large animals, take on numerous gunmen, wield a huge knife, and bring his quaint Outback sensibilities to the big city! Not to mention that he can walk across a crowd of people with ease! Plus when he is done all that he gets to nail some hot reporter....I've got to side with Dundee on this one!

Let me start off by saying that this is a great match-up, however, it would also have been interesting to see a zombified version of Steve Irwin take on Dundee. But that might have been in bad taste, and god knows, we never do anything in bad taste. Cock master! But I digress, down to business...Jordan, I cannot believe what I'm hearing. I'm astounded that you would side with Dundee on this one. I'm mean really, "nail some hot reporter". By today's standards she amounts to nothing but 80's trash. Don't get me started on Dundee either, the guys face is so wrinkely and nasty it looks like it has been pounded by more cock than Paris Hilton. Fuck him and his bullshit "Hollywood" Outback sensibilities. Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunting ma'fuck brought the real deal every fucking time, wrestling meaner looking shit than a dried up old Aussie like Paul Hogan. I say The Crocodile Hunter is gonna send Crocodile Dundee packing. Dundee is going to end up drowning his sorrows in an oversized glass of Fosters before taking one more man-cock pounding to his leathery baseball mitt face!

2009-07-24T07:00:00.010-04:00

Miniature Epic Battle

Well folks here we are once again, on a beautifully wet Thursday evening, in Hogs back park. The stage is set as the damp but exuberant crowd gathers. We seem to have a disproportionate number of Smurf fans here tonight, they out number the Snork fans 5-1...this has the potential of turning very ugly! One can only hope. There is a food delivery truck backing towards the picnic area...the doors swing open...the Smurfs emerge to an uproarious cheer! They look like a victorious conquering army returning from a successful campaign! Little girls are passing out from a mere glance from Papa Smurf. Grown men are wetting themselves just to get a glimpse of the hyper-sexualized Smurfette! It is a pandemonium of adoration! Truly a remarkable entrance. I can not see how the Snorks will top this one.

What a bunch of jerks these Smurfs are. Look at them strut around the park Jordan, this is shameful, hell even Brainy Smurf is trash talking the Snorks. The Snorks on the other hand are nowehere to be seen Jordan. The Smurfs are calming down, it seems the lack of action is taking a toll on their initial excitement and enthusiasm. Most of the Smurfs are now relaxing next to the water, although it looks like they are keeping a keen eye on the shoreline. Oh my God, what the hell was that. A large number of Snorks just popped out of hidden bunkers scattered throughout the Smurf horde. It's the old rope-a-dope/Red Dawn technique, the Snorks have totally taken the Smurfs by surprise. This is total bedlam, there are Smurfs and Snorks smurfing and snorking everywhere. Meanwhile Smurfette is perched up on a rock flirting with every blue or hoseheaded passerby. The tide might be turning here Jordan, the Smufs who where caught off guard still out number the Snorks 2:1. But wait check this out, the Smurfs have left the shoreline unattended and as the battle rages a second wave of Snorks are emerging from the water in a flanking amphibious assault. Jordan, is this it, is the tide turning on the Smurfs!?!

Craig this battle reminds me of the opening to Lord of the Rings! except much smaller/lamer. The Second wave of Snorks has gained a beachhead and is advancing towards their main force...very tactical. The Snork leader, "All Star", has just beheaded Lazy Smurf and mounted his head on a pole. Gruesome, but an effective psychological weapon to be sure. The Smurfs seem to be in a state of panic, Smurfette has been carryed off the battle field by Greedy Smurf. I think that they may have underestimated their foe. But wait, high on a rock in the center of the battle, Papa Smurf is raising his banner and blowing a miniature horn! This seems to have given the Smurfs a rallying cry, they are starting to re-group! This could be the turning point!

This is fucking ridiculous Jordan, I mean really, a battle between Smurfs and Snorks. Fuck this, I'm stomping the little sonsofbitches! Don't worry I'll give you a detailed play by play. I'm leaving our protected observation area now Jordan and moving at a sluggish pace, maybe as a fast as a mosey, but a little more intense and aggressive, but I'm definately taking my time and not rushing this. My plan is to randomly squash theses fuckers until they decide to leave. Oooomppffff, dammit, I just slipped on something Jordan, it's kind of blueish red, it may have been a Smurf or a half eaten Rocket Popsicle. Whatever, at least I took out the first wave of Snorks when my fatassness landed on them. It looked like they were trying to regroup for a second run at the Smurfs. Fuck those little snorkleheaded biotches. Shit dude, I can't get up. Sonofawhore!!! The Smurfs are going Lilliputian on me man. They've tied down my legs and arms with what looks like a hundred tiny little ropes. I've got a little movement in my torso though, I think their ropes are a little to short for the task.

Dude, can you still hear me? They've stolen the mic out of my hand, crap, I feel some kind of spongy poking in my nether regions...pst don't tell anyone but its not entirely unpleasant....Help dude help, that's my mic they've got down there. Please god NOOOOOOOO!!!!........................

Jordan thanks for freeing me man, that was the longest five minutes of my life, remind me to never get involved in a battle again. I feel so violated and dirty. I think we have to give this one to the Smurfs man. Now please excuse me while I curl up and cry in the shower for a few hours.

2009-07-20T06:00:00.003-04:00

Battle of the.....What??? Smurfs Vs Snorks

This week we have those little topless French/Belgian bastards; The Smurfs facing off against the rainbow colored denizens of the deep; The Snorks! With any luck at all we will see these two peace-loving, eco friendly, and unique cultures clash in epic and bloody battle!

Well Craig, I have to say that I am undecided this week. I have no idea who to root for. To the best of my knowledge the Smurfs were never especialy good at anything. They spent most of there time being chased by Gargamel and desperately trying to distinguish themeselves from one another in order to have a slim chance at mating with their sole female; Smurfette. The Snorks aren't much better! Although I seem to remember that they live underwater, saved a guy from a shipwreck, and a couple of them were freaking ROBOTS! Come to think of it they also had several lady Snorks! They could jet around all over the place! Aw Hell, Snorks it is! Those lame as Smurfs are going to have their little blue asses handed to them!

Jordan I gotta say, I'm still in shock over last week's battle. Very bloody and just a tad disturbing, okay maybe more than a tad. But as usual I digress. I'm not sure what to say about this weeks battle. Sure these fuckers are small, but we could have a full blown war on our hands here. After all we are talking about a entire race of beings pitted against one another, not mere individuals. I'm guessing that, no matter who wins this thing, the battle will be epic in proportion. Having said that I'm going with the Snorks. Why, because them bitches can breath under water and on land, brotha. I can just imagine the dumbass Smurfs coming at these guys on some shitty mushroom Smurf boat and the Snorks deep-sixing the entire thing. In the battle of the cutsie turd nuggets I vote Snorks!!

2009-07-17T06:00:00.004-04:00

Former Child Star throw down!

Well Craig we have done everything we can to make this an exciting battle. We are here on rare sunny Thursday evening at the Children's Museum inside the Museum of Civilization in Hull/Gatineau. We have stashed several exciting and devastatingly vicious weapons amongst many of the "hands on" exhibits for our favorite former child stars to use. Our audience is made up of unruly, unkempt, daycare wards and the disheveled, malnourished, underpaid ladies that look after them. The screaming has started and the combatants haven't even arrived! Oh wait, correct me if I'm wrong Craig but is that morbidly obese kid two-fisting funnel cake over by the "port" exhibit really Webster?

Yes, Jordan I believe you are correct that is indeed Webster. What a horrible looking mess he turned out to be. Fuck me, but I smell a massive ass whooping about to be laid down. For the love of God do not give that tubby bitch any more cheeseburgers, save those delicious morsels for my fat ass. Mmmmmm. Our surprise guest is also here and in typical fashion a gangly looking Macaulay Culkin is setting up some cheesey looking booby traps throughout the maze of ethnically diverese dwellings. Oh, looky here, now entering the arena is the most hostile little security guard I have ever seen. As if knowing where it was placed Gary Coleman has picked up an evil looking medieval weapon from amongst the fake produce in the fake market, I think its a mace Jordan. Webster is tossing handfuls of funnel cake at Coleman as he approaches, but it isn't doing any good. Gary is determined to end this quickly laying a massive to handed blow to Webster's ample gut. The force of the hit has sent Webster reeling into the cargo ship. Coleman has nimbly jump up onto the platform and seems to be positioning one of the crates over top of Lewis' prone body. Whoa watch your head Jordan, out of nowhere Culkin has swung a couple cement laden paint cans at Coleman. His aim is well off, but he seems to have hit the crate Coleman was working on. Both the crate and the cement filled paint cans have crush poor plump little Webster.

HOT DAMN THAT IS A LOT OF BLOOD AND EFFLUENCE! For those of you at home I can only describe that as; an over sized, happy, toy block mashing a giant, over ripe grape! Truly disturbing in every way conceivable... truly. But whats this? It appears that this fight is far from over! Now little Arnold Drummond is taunting the lifeless body of Webster by repeatedly pressing his ass flesh against the side of the crate...oh wait it seems that some excrement is now in play...eeesh. The various children and soccer moms are now running around , arms flailing, screaming in horror. Good times indeed! I've lost sight of Mr. Coleman... Oh dear! The large, intricately decorated Indian school bus has started up. Gary is behind the wheel, his eyes crazed! UNBELIEVABLE! Mr. Coleman has run over the pile of human remains fromerly known as Emmanuel Lewis! Hard to not watch that again in slow motion, right Craig!

Mmmmmmm cheeseburgers.....Uh, sorry dude was uh, uhhhhhh concentrating on the match!?!? Oh god what happened to Webster, I mean cheeseburg...I mean how the fuck does that happen to someone, geeesh. Coleman is in a blood frenzy now Jordan. I think we should have invited someone a little beefier than poor Macaulay. That skinny little white boy is running scared now man. Arnold's got the crazy eyes going and is looking for the s.o.b. that peppered him with flying mousetraps. Macaulay is on the model Vespa trying to get away, but of course the damn thing won't start. Dude I can't watch this anymore, Coleman is right on top of him. Cheeseburger!?! Lord, I haven't heard that little puke scream like that since he plastered himself with aftershave lotion back in '92. Gruesome Jordan very gruesome.

Well folks, there you have it. Gary Coleman takes this weeks match with a very decisive win over his opponents. Join us again next week for more mayhem, thanks for reading and a big shout out to Darren for brining us this turd filled matchup!

2009-07-13T06:00:00.000-04:00

Battle of the Knee-high Turds.

Hi folks this week on Monday Morning Fight Club, a reader submitted midget matchup. Facing off are two champions of 80s child acting, Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman. Now, we've done midgets before so I think we are going to have to mix it up a bit this time. At the last minute before these two losers face-off we are going to throw in 1 more surprise contestant. It could be anybody, so both of these douches could be laid to waste. The question is, who do you think will take less of a pounding, Webster or Arnold?

Jordan, I have to go with Gary Coleman on this one. Not only did he have a better tag line, but he also had more meat on his bones. I also think his post-acting career as a security guard has stretched his rage to the breaking point. I think years of watching himself on "where are they now" shows and trying to chase off drunk idiots will lead to a massive pit-bull like attack on poor little Emmanuel Lewis. Fuck it, who am I kidding, Webster is a puke, he was always trying to muscle in on Arnolds territory. I hope Gary Coleman messes him up good.

I have to agree with you on this one Craig. Coleman is built like a tiny brick shit-house, and seems to have the more aggressive personality besides, isn't he a security guard now or something? You know a guy that size would have to be tough to pull off that gig! ..whereas Webster is barely even memorable. He was short and thin! Now he seems Short and pudgy. I don't think this fight will go more than one round...I just can't see it.

2009-07-10T06:00:00.013-04:00

War Between Worlds!

Well Craig, I've racked my brain all week on how we could best illustrate this completely abstract battle and I finally came up with a solution. Here in Orleans or "little O town", if you will, I have constructed our battle lab in a nondescript suburban basement. From our vantage point safe behind a one way mirror, we can see what looks to be an average living space complete with a balls-out gaming PC with a killer monitor and a plush headset, a wicked comfy chair, a big screen television, comfortable sectional couch, bookcases, hell I even took the liberty of putting in a fully stocked mini bar fridge. I propose that we send in three test subjects one at a time, have them log onto World of Warcraft and then we try to distract them with real world temptations!..their behavior will determine what will win this weeks battle!

Sounds like a great plan Jordan, let's not waste anymore time and just bring out our first contestant. I can hear the floor boards creaking now as he descends the basement steps. Whoever this fella is he has come prepared, he's toting a half drank 2 Liter Coke in one hand and bag of BBQ corn chips in the other. He's sitting at the computer and logging into his account. Lets give him a couple minutes in Azeroth before we tempt him though.............. It's been about an hour now and this guy seems pretty pleased with himself as he uses his level 80 pally to bully a group of level 10 players,...what a hero! Fuck this asstard, let's bring in the first of our temptations. Coming down the stairs now is the man's wife dressed in very tasteful but very arousing lingerie. He still hasn't noticed her, but she is now approaching him and bending over beside him pretending to pick something up off the floor. Holy crap, I bet he got whiplash his head spun around so fast. He is absently dusting off a few chip crumbs from his enormous gut as he lurches out of his chair. The game completely forgotten he is now following his rather hot wife up the stairs playing a bit of grab ass while he goes. Jordan I think this round clearly belongs to the Real World, thank you Porn and Sex for another fantastic showing.

Yeah for Porn and Sex! Well lets not waste any time airing out this dank geek cave and bring in our next subject. Lets see, he looks about 6 feet tall, slightly balding, unshaven, carrying a few extra elbees around the equator, sporting a pair of ill-fitting zubaz and a t-shirt he no doubt won in a case of wildcat strong. As before we should let him get fully immersed in the World of Warcraft before we begin...plus I could use a nap.....

...well we are back, Craig has passed out into a can of extreme bbq pringles, I'll let him sleep, he looks so peaceful...maybe he is dreaming of riding on a giant cat of his very own...Lets see, our "Hero" has been at it for four and a half hours,...and by the looks of the pile of empty red bull cans and Jos Louis wrappers he is in it for the long haul. With the first guy we tried sex, lets try something more realistic....Here comes his wife, wearing her unflattering "comfy" clothes, chain smoking and scratching her ass, her legs and armpits clearly unshaven for a long period of time, and she looks pissed! She is now unleashing a high volume, non-stop tirade on this guy! This is inhuman! The stuff she is spouting could make a marine drill Sargent cry! The only break in the verbal abuse is when she pauses to hack up a lung! Our test subject is still playing! He is weathering the barrage pretty well...What's this? It appears that the wife is now letting the kids have a turn...a boy with a rat tail is now pounding randomly on his nuts while a little girl is screaming directly into his ear...our "Hero" has had it...he looks like a broken man...he shuts the computer off and drags his sorry ass back up the stairs. Looks like the real world is 2-0! Poor bastard, If we had the technology from "TRON" I would let that guy live out the rest of his sorry existence Warcraft style! Wake up Craig, I grow weary...

Two down one to go. Bring in the next loser Jordan. Okay this guy looks like a piece of work, I think it is going to be hard to bring this geek down. Let me give you the full picture, Coke bottle glasses, rats nest for hair, Star Trek t-shirt, massive gut, cargo shorts, sandals with black socks, 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, 1 medium pizza, 2 bags of Doritos, mustard stains gallore, kleenex and lube. I really don't want to know what the last two items are for folks. As he goes to sit down it looks like he half summoned the chair to his gargantuan ass, that was kind of creepy, I think this guy was destined to live in the World of Warcraft. Let's try something different this time, let's bombard him with temptations now and not even give him a chance to get settled. Bring in the nagging wife Jordan. Wow this one is a firecracker, talk about wife aggro, she's given him a huge list of uncompleted chores. He so doesn't give a rat's ass though, look at him go, he's really making a push to grind his toon to level 80. Get rid of the wife, let's bring in a few pole dancers and see if he at least whips out the kleenex and lube....No sir, not even the seductive gyrations of 3 very fit ladies can get his attention. Hold on, he is getting out of his chair, maybe he is about to crack. Nope, false alarm, he is heading to the toilet. Oh Lord, he didn't close the door, he seems to be dropping lumber while reading the World of Warcraft User Manual. Good Lord, the ladies are gagging and running up the stairs as fast as they can. Fuck it, bring out everything we've got.....

.....Well Jordan, it's been 5 days since this loser sat down to play. Nothing we've done has broken his spirit yet, I think we might have to give this one to Azeroth. Wait a second, is he choking on something? Nope, I think he is having a heart attack. Don't help him, after that stunt he pulled yesterday with the coat hanger, African Violet, and mayonnaise he deserves to die. Well look at that folks, he is dead, if I had to guess I would say the total lack of exercise, sunlight, sex and real food killed this guy. Hmmmm that's 3 out of 3. I think it's fairly obvious folks but in the end the Real World will always beat the World of Warcraft! Sorry guys you are going to have to shelve your man-ginas eventually.

2009-07-06T09:11:00.000-04:00

World of Warcraft vs. The World
Battle of World Domination

Well folks, this week on Monday Morning Fight Club we have an epic battle of abstract entities. On one hand we have the vastly popular MMMOPOROGRPG game World of Warcraft, and on the other we have our very own Real World. Who will win when two worlds collide, only you can decide.

Jordan this could be a very interesting match, I mean the possibilities are endless when you bring in abstract entities. I'm guessing World of Warcraft is going to come in like a lion, I'm seeing massive addictions being handed out left right and center, an overall increase in obesity and less family time. But I think there are probably a few angry wives that are going to tip the scales in favor of the Real World. In their corner we have anger (obviously), withheld sex and the ability to turn off the computer. This should be a good match, geeks beware!!!

Well you've done it now Craig. This high-concept stuff might fly in the world of science and think-tanks but our readership is comprised of salt of the earth, hard working, too much tax paying real people! (plus Paulie only get one vote...unless he hacks our site) That being said, I have to agree with you; WOW is going to come on strong, after all you can live your fantasy of being a man-gina night elf that rides a giant cat and has magical powers! But I think that the real world offerings of potential semi-regular sex, good food, and sleep will win the day! I have a feeling that this fight will come down in a new and exciting format...just what can we cook up to illustrate this weeks battle?

2009-07-03T06:00:00.008-04:00

Inventor Invent-off!

Well folks once again we have pulled some strings to set up a very special all-inventor battle here at Monday Morning Fight Club! Tonight's battle will be a slightly different format. The inventors will be given 30 minutes to assemble the best weapon they can out of materials on hand...here at the Ikea warehouse! At the end of thirty minutes, the combatants will face off in a classic "duel" format, the survivor will be crowned the winner. Also, since Ikea is technically Swedish sovereign territory we have a special guest referee; Senators captain and all-round awesome Swede, Daniel Allfedsson! No matter which way this fight goes...I'm not leaving until Alfie signs my favorite "KARLSTAD" chair!

Jordan I don't know what the fuck McGyver is doing but it certainly does not look like he is making a weapon. McMullet has holed up in one of the faux bedrooms and appears to be lighting about a million tiny shitt'n tea candles all over the fucking place, what-a-douche. He is so going to get his ass handed to him, what the hell is he doing!!! Wait a second, here come Ginger and Marianne, they've noticed the tea-candles-aplenty and are coming over to investigate. McGyver is trying to woo them closer with his mullet and bomber jacket. Oh brother! The two floozies seem to be falling for it, they've just stepped into his impromptu bachelor pad and McGyver is now hanging up a few shower curtains to block off the rest of the crowd. Jeez, it's taken McGyver 5 minutes to achieve what the Professor could not in several seasons. Oh my god, and look at that Jordan, while McGyver is hard at work boning the ladies he is also using a spare hand to work a DAMAST lantern, curtain rod and BEDDINGE futon into a Browning M2HB-QCB .50 Caliber machine gun. Fuck me, you have to hand it to him, he just is "that" good.

Well Craig that definitely sounds promising. The Professor has hunkered down here in the "as is" section after dragging a huge bundle of bamboo and rattan crap over from the garden section. In the past ten minutes he has constructed a rather imposing trebuchet out of discarded POANG chairs and BILLY bookcases. Ammunition for his siege weapon seems to be a pile of cast iron cookware no doubt pilfered from the kitchen section on his way through the store. Those things will definitely pack a wallop! He has also made a collection of spears and pungy sticks from bed posts and PAX storage system parts! Also, he seems to have fashioned a rudimentary mace from cookware and lamp parts, he is going all out! He looks like he has finished making his weapons a full 5 minutes early! Fittingly he is spending his remaining time lighting a few whimsical tiki torches around his perimeter! The professor is ready for combat!

Well the ladies have just emerged from McDeuche's private quarters and boy are they looking disheveled, ...happy, content, and melty, but definately disheveled. In a true act of classlessness the mulleteer has smacked Ginger on the ass and indicated to both ladies that they can find a gratuity and bus fare on his nightstand. How nice is that!?! Without giving them a second glance he is now tying a sweatband to his head and grabbing his .50 cal to start hunting professor coconut. Jordan I've followed McGreaser through most of the store now and he is definately having trouble finding the Professor. I think he is getting ready to switch up tactics though. Yes, indeed, McGibblet has ever so gingerly climbed into the ball pit and is simply going to wait till the Professor comes sauntering by....Well we didn't have to wait long, here comes the professor. McGyno is a patient man I'll give him that; he is just sitting back waiting for the Professor to enter his kill zone before he cuts him down. The Professor ain't no slouch though Jordan, I think he has spotted the mullet man in the ball pit. Indeed, McGyver knows the jig is up and is unloading that .50 cal as fast as he can. I can't see what happened to the Professor Jordan, but it sure looks like a war zone in here now.

That homemade cannon is shredding everything in the front entrance area...its a haze of linggenberry and pressed pine...the dust is settling...wait whats this? MacGarknuckle is out of the pit surveying the carnage...He is standing over a pile of furniture rubble where the Professor was standing...A ragged hand is reaching out of the rubble...but that does not look quite right!...that hand is metal! What we thought was the professor was actually a cleverly crafted Professor robot made out of HJUVIK faucets and spare allen keys! This Professor/Ikea/Terminator thingy is grabbing at MacG's greasy mullet! When did the professor have time to build this?!? Now the robot has dragged him over to a crudely marked "x" on the ground by the self checkout and is holding him there! Damn this could be it for MacGyver...even though he led the voting all week! I can see the real Professor in his "as is" fortress leveling a deafining barrage of verbal abuse at MacGyver! He has launched the Catapult...the hang time is impressive...MacG has closed his eyes, anticipating instant death from above...And the Dutchovens decapitate the unsusspecting robot...Marrianne and Ginger come running, lavishing the nearly missed MacGyver with kisses and deep tongue action! This is truly a horrible turn of events for the Professor!

Damn that was a close one Jordan, I thought the Professor had McGloven by the balls for sure. I think the only thing that saved him was the Professor's blind rage at realizing Marianne and Ginger are now used goods. It looks like McGyver lost his weapon in the melee, but is now off to recover it. With his trusty .50 cal in hand he seems to have tracked the Professor to the cafeteria and has him lined up in his sights. The Professor is a broken man Jordan, instead of turning to face his enemy he is busy trying to get the cafeteria staff to sprinkle toasted coconut on his Swedish Meatballs. It looks like McGyver is showing some mercy and sportsmanship, knowing that he has beaten the poor Professor he has decided to do the gentlemanly thing and just smear some $1 hotdogs all over the front of his shirt. The Professor is leaving the store in shame Jordan, leaving McGyver as the uncontested winner in this fight.

Dude, where did Alfie go? He was supposed to sign shit! He must have some important business to attend to! I wonder what that could be?

2009-06-29T06:00:00.005-04:00

Straight up Inventor Battle
(making new shit out of other shit)
MacGyver Vs The Professor

Jordan I think this is going to turn out to be a pretty interesting match. On one hand we have the mulleted inventor MacGyver and on the other we have the inventor of all things coconut, the Professor. Whom, by the way, I still think should have boned both Marianne and Ginger. Dude they were soooo ripe for the picking. I mean who else on that island could have serviced those two ladies?? The Skipper, I think not!!! As far as who will win this battle, it's a tough call, I like both these guys and they both have mad skills, yo! However, The Professor never managed to invent anything that got those castaways off their island. MacGyver on the other hand escaped all kinds of shit with nothing but bubble gum, paper clips and elastics. I gotta give the edge to MacGyver on this one dude.

Both of these guys are certified geniuses, I think this fight will be decided by the materials on hand! That being said, Craig, I always thought that the reason the Professor never invented anything like a "boat" was so he could have a crack at a Ginger/ Marianne threesome. Think about it. He's is a dorky nerd. Back in civilization he would never have a chance with a movie star and a hot farmers daughter! But on that Island all he has to compete with is a fat guy with anger issues, a bean-pole retard, and an old rich guy that can't get it up (ordinarily the girls would go for the rich guy regardless of his looks/personality but in this case is fortune was rendered worthless by being stuck on the island). He was biding his time! Not to mention that fucker can make anything out of a handful of coconuts and bamboo! On the other hand, MacGyver has been an icon of cool since 1985! He was the king of throwing shit together and making something cool out of crap lying around. His only weaknesses are; an apparent lack of motivation (they had to twists his arm or trick him into action every fucking episode!), and a strong non violent streak (his mullet is not a weakness, instead it is the source of his powers, like a modern day Samson). I think it will take a lot of motivation for MacGyver to even show up for this weeks battle.

2009-06-26T06:00:00.003-04:00

The Royal Showdown

Hi folks and welcome to the Royal Showdown. We have a pretty good crowd here this week at the Sparks Street Chicken and Rib Cook-off. Although Jordan, I'm not sure if most people are here lined up for good eats, or to see a tubby bitch chop socky the shit out of a skinny upstart. Skinny Elvis has just entered the street, it looks like he's got a loaded six-string on his back and is strutting his stuff looking for a scrap. He seems to be headed for the Billy Bones line up. Oh, and that's why. Fat Elvis is waiting in line for food. It looks like he already tried to wrangle a BBQ sauce covered pig or two. His white leather and rhinestone jumpsuit (with tassels of course) is covered in what appears to be a rich full bodied Texas bold rib sauce. Fat Elvis is arguing with the serving wench, it sounds like he is trying to order a BBQ sauce covered fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Nasty. I think he senses Skinny Elvis' approach, he is trying to whip around to face him but he doesn't seem to want to let go of the rack of ribs he ended up ordering. Ooooooo and Skinny Elvis just unloaded his six-string all over Fat Elvis' back, that's gotta hurt.

It looks like that blow leveled Fat Elvis! He is writhing on the ground in pain...no wait, he looks to be eating the ribs and sauce off of the pavement! Thats dedication! Skinny Elvis is distracted by a group of screaming ladies! He can't help himself, he has started gyrating his hips! Fat Elvis has finally finished his ribs and has gingerly made his way to his feet again! Look out Skinny Elvis! Here comes a hunka hunka dry rub right to the eyes! Now Skinny Elvis is the one screaming! Those hot cajun spices are going to work on his giant, doey eyes! Fat Elvis pauses to catch his breath...and then unloads on Skinny Elvis with a series of bizzare karate-like chops and kicks! Skinny Elvis still can't see through a spicy haze of tears as Fat Elvis picks up a pair of fried chickens and starts slapping Skinny Elvis in the face with one of them while he snacks on the other! Astounding!

Jordan, Skinny Elvis started out doing pretty good with that massive guitar attack to Fatty's back, but man has he ever started taking a shit kicking. Fat Elvis has just unloaded another series of Karate chops and kicks on the lean mean hip gyrating machine. Oooh gross, Fat Elvis just grabbed Skinny Elvis by the hair, bent over and farted right in his face. Oh lord, and Skinny Elvis had his mouth open to top it off.... Do you think it smells like BBQ sauce, hmmm? Oh, oh sorry back to the fight... My my, Fat Elvis seems to have ripped the ass out of his pants pulling that sick maneuver. He looks pretty embarrassed and is apologizing to the crowd, "uhuhhh s'cuse meh folksh, m-m-my bhad". Fucking nasty greasy fatty. I don't think that's gonna slow him down for long Jordan, he just stole a sauce covered rib off someone's plate and seems to be using it to power back up to optimum fatty ass kicking level.

If Skinny Elvis stands a chance he has to take advantage of this lul in the beat down...He seems to be looking around franticly! He sees an opening in the crowd. He lunges for it! A group of middle aged women have appeared from out of nowhere and blocked his path! The women are tearing at Skinny Elvis clothes, screaming with delight! Craig, I've lost sight of Fat Elvis! This is chaos! Whats this? I just got a very powerful waft of B.O., BBQ, and Egg Fart! GOOD LORD! Fat Elvis is emerging from a giant vat of "Hotter than Hell's tight red ruby starfish Hot Sauce"! Skinny Elivs is paralized with fear...except for his hips, which are still gyrating! He's caught in a trap, and he can't walk out! DAMN! Skiny Elvis just voided his bowls! Fat Elvis is closing the distance...slowly...painfully slow...he raises up a puffy, ring covered, pasty hand.."We can't go on together!" EESH! That had to be it! Fat Elvis just tipped himself over onto Skinny Elvis! Its just a pile of sequens, sauce and saggy flesh now. A hush has fallen over this crowd...Neither Elvis is getting up...This better not be another fucking tie! "BWAARRRPPPP!" -cough- -cough- SWEET HAMMER OF THOR! Fat Elvis just let out a thunderous belch... the fumes have leveled half the crowd! The big guy is up on his feet...rubbing his thighs in a repetative up and down motion. It appears that he just needed to make some room! FAT ELVIS IS FUCKING EATING SKINNY ELVIS! Now that is a decisive victory! Any idea how this may affect the space-time-elvis continuum?

2009-06-22T06:00:00.003-04:00

Battle of the Kings

Hi folks and welcome to this weeks BATTLE OF THE KINGS. Here we have two unlikely combatants, whom I'm sure you would not expect to find battling each other. We pulled a few strings, we've woken the dead, and we've messed with the the space time continuum to bring you this battle. Here you have it folks, Skinny Elvis versus Fat Elvis.

Dude you gotta love the King,...uh'm Kings that is! Elvis had class man, even when he was a tubby fried peanut butter and banana sandwich eating mofo. As much as I hate ties, that is how I'm calling this one. After all how can the same guy beat himself. Skinny Elvis has youth and agility on his side, but Fat Elvis has a definite weight advantage as well as years of experience fending off hordes of groupies. Jordan, how do you see this playing out?

Well Craig this is a tough one to call. Skinny Elvis may have agility and stamina on his side but he foolishly squandered his early years filming crap surfing movies in a vain attempt at being James Dean. Fat Elvis, although lacking an athletic aesthetic, spent his time on a strict fried-food and mind-altering drug regimen, was a deputy sheriff, loved kung fu, and shot many a television! If Fat Elvis can stay lucid enough, I think he might have enough experience and reckless abandon to stick it to his younger self...If he doesn't die on the toilet again that is!

2009-06-19T06:00:00.003-04:00

Super Zero suckfest!

Well Craig, I'm glad we pulled some strings this week and re-opened the Smithfalls Hershey factory! The smell of chocolate and candy permeate the air. If this fight doesn't start soon I'm bound to wander off and gourge myself on tasty sundries... A small crowd of middle aged women in hair nets has gathered to witness this titanic battle of 80's super hero has-beens; The Greatest American Hero faces Condorman! The voting has been tight all week, neither combatant seems to be the clear favorite. I see the Condor-mobile in the parking lot but have yet to spot Condorman. I can only assume that both of these retards will be late.

Jordan, I can see USA's Greatest Hoser from here. That awful 80's shittard afro can be seen from space you know, true story. If you look closely he is trying to get into his obviously too small outfit from here. He looks like a red Q-tip with some severely squished bug nuts. Condorman has also entered the "arena" and is macking on some eastern European hairnet lady down by the Reese's Peanut Butter cup sorting machine. The Greatest American Hero has noticed Condorman and has whipped out his instruction manual. He is furiously searching for something, and wait, he appears to have found it. This is amazing Jordan, actually it's not, it's pretty lame for a superhero,...he is slowly lifting off the ground. Fuck me, this is embarrassing, it looks like he is going to fall over any second. For the love of GOD can we not get anyone good on this show...sorry I digress. He is now lamely rocketing toward Condorman, this is definitely going to hurt someone. OOOooo and that someone is Condorman, he has been shoved face first into a bin of rejected Peanut Butter Cups, there is chocolate and peanut butter all over his face. Hardly dangerous, but kind of embarrassing. Wait, hold on a second, it appears as though he is going into anaphalectic shock. I guess Greatest American Hero isn't the only one with nut problems here today.

Right you are Craig! Can't say I saw that nut allergy coming! Why would his agent even approve this venue?!? I must be hard times in the Loser Hero racket. Condorman seems to be recovering though...he seems to have stabbed himself in the heart with a condor-themed giant syringe...that was grisly. He aims some sort of net gun thingy at the Greatest American Fuck-Tard and...misses horribly...the net has captured a few of the middle aged ladies...they are scurrying about furiously like a bunch of scared cats tied together...and they have accidentally hit the release valve on a huge vat of molten Oh Henry fudge filling...damn that looks hot and messy. The ensuing tidal wave of goo has engulfed and immobilized both of our combatants...Fuck these guys are lame...this better end quickly, I'm starting to feel the need for mass amounts of "rejected" chocolate. Whats this? It looks like the GAH's suit is glowing and vibrating wildly...he has managed to get himself free of the goo. It also appears that Condorman has managed to free himself with the use of another condor-themed gadget...this time it looks like a Craftsman rechargeable hand held grinder with a cutting wheel attached...with a crappy hand drawn condor logo taped to it...man this guy is lame! Craig I've had it with this shit, hand me that "worlds largest chocolate bar", It's about time these guys taste my pain!

Ahhh, dude, you should really stay out of this, you don't want to be associated with two losers. And NOOOOOOO Nicole I don't mean Jordan and I. Jordan seriously man, put down the chocolate bar. Oh God, I can't watch this folks. Jordan is going ape-shit on the two super losers. He has given GAH the jersey-over-the-head hockey treatment and has tied him to one of the candy bar wrapping machines. Now he is beating Condorman into submission with the giant chocolate bar. There is blood and gooey brown stuff everywhere, if we weren't in a chocolate factory I would swear it was Condorman's first night in jail. And speaking of things you might find in a jail, jordan has now rammed condorman's head straight up GAH's red spandex balloon knot.

Folks, it looks like this one is over. Jordan just left the building in disgust. Sad to say this one ends in a tie. Now you'll excuse me as I attempt to escape the fart cloud that is Smithfalls.

2009-06-15T06:00:00.002-04:00

80's Super-Zero's Battle!

This week Monday Morning Fight Club offers a stunning match up of 80's inept super heroes. In one corner we have; The Greatest American Hero. In the other; Condorman! Who will beat their opponent into cheesy submission?

Well Craig I have to say I'm on the fence with this weeks combatants. Condorman was a childhood favorite. He had a sweet car, sweet boat, and an awesome costume with working wings! Not to mention a crazy good theme song! He came across like a goofy, good natured Batman. But like Batman, he has no super powers. The Greatest American Hero on the other hand is sporting a crazy powerful set of alien made tights. Check out his checklist of super powers; Flight, Super Strength, Invulnerability, Invisibility, Precognition, Telekenisis, X-ray Vision, Super Speed, Pyro Kenesis, Holographic vision, Shrinking, and Psychometry! Even if he is the biggest tool in the world, The Greatest American Hero has a crazy unfair advantage! I just don't see Condorman pulling this one out of his ass!

Dude, the Greatest American Hero is a deuche, plain and simple. Afro haired mother fucker with no idea how to use his powers. He was so pathetic he needed a freakin' instruction manual. L-O-S-E-R!! Condorman may have been like Batman, but he also kick some ass, just like Batman. Here's the breakdown. Greatest American Zero is gonna come at Condorman like a mongoloid hero, all powers but no idea how to use them, big afro flopping around in the wind. Condorman is gonna bust his super car out of it's gypsy-cart disguise and run Greatest American Zero down in his tracks. End of fight.

Don't forget to vote folks, every vote saves a puppy from black market organ thieves!

2009-06-12T07:00:00.002-04:00

Terrible yet Tasty Tag Team Take Down!

Well Craig here we are, thanks to the modern miracle of poorly written blog/fiction, deep inside the bowels of local television personality, and avid rat-tail wearer, Max Keeping. Safe inside our Monday Morning Fight Club mini sub we gaze out into the cavernous expanse of Mr. Keepings colon eagerly awaiting the miniaturization and arrival of our Fast Food Mogul Combatants! Little does Max know but we scheduled this little throw down to coincide with Thursdays evening news broadcast! It's a good thing you had the foresight to send Mr Keeping a care basket laden with fast food sundries...looking around this disgusting cavern of a colon I can readily spot pieces of undigested Baconator, A Quaterpounder with cheese (also know as a Royal with Cheese), A Whopper and...greasy chicken bones!!!! Good lord, did he swallow the 3 piece dinner whole?!?

Mmmmmm a belly full of dirty bird does the body good. Looky here the combatants are being squeezed through the pyloric sphincter (yes folks you have more than one sphincter in your body, the starfish is just the most popular). The first one being squeezed through is none other than everybody's favorite red head grease wench, Wendy. She is followed closely by red neck coque sucker Colonel Sanders. Both of them look extra greasy and ready to rumble. A rusty coloured crown has just been passed followed by a creepy looking court jester, or king, it's kind of hard to tell, must be the Burger King. Jordan here comes a gigantic red afro, that can mean only one thing, Lucky Ron has entered the arena. Look at that though, his gigantic gay rubber shoes have become logged in the sphincter and he is just dangling there like a circus sized dingle-berry. The Colonel is not wasting any time, he has whipped out a cane and is thrashing Lucky Ron across the back blow after vicious blow.

Right you are Craig, we are witnessing quite the merciless beating! Who knew the old guy had it in him! But the Colonel should be careful, he seems so enthralled by his own handiwork he does not notice the Burger King sneaking up behind him...Hot Damn! Wendy just came out of nowhere and brained the King with what only could be the sorry remnants of a McRib patty! They haven't served those for years! Hang on Craig! this whole colon is starting to spasm...we must have reached a grease/crap equilibrium...we are getting pushed along Mr Keeping's unkempt G.I. tract... Ronald Mcdonald has seized his moment in the confusion and slipped out of his giant gay shoes...The Colonel is off balance as Lucky Ron belts him with a gigantic Muppet Baby Happy Meal toy! WTF?!? Did Max swallow that too? Those came out in 1987! Hang on again, we are getting another tremor...

Jordan it looks like that last colo-spasm has landed all of us just outside the pearly gates of Max's rectum. Contrary to popular opinion, there are no hamsters in here, I just want to make that clear to our audience. However, I'm still trying to figure out where all these mushroom shaped scars came from....odd to say the least. I'm pretty sure Wendy and the Colonel are about to go in for the kill now. After losing her weapon Wendy has grabbed a rather sharp looking peanut out of the myriad of crevices surrounding us, and the Colonel has found and old piece of bubble gum from 50 years ago. Yes, while they were still dazed from our entry into the large intestine Wendy has resumed her poundings on the Burger King's gigantic plastic-rubber cranium and Colonel Sanders has hog tied Ronny with the ancient piece of gum. I can feel another spasm coming on Jordan I think it is high time for us to exit this old dude.

Good Lord that was a violent bowel evacuation! Luckily our mini sub is protecting us from the bulk of the horrors we witnessed, but the filters are starting to crap out and the stink is becoming unbearable...Although my eyes are watering furiously I can make out that Wendy and the Colonel rode out the shit tsunami on a bacon raft no doubt built from the 40 or so bacon strips in a baconator. The Colonel is in full control however paddling comfortably with a chicken bone oar... Ronald and the King didn't fare so well Ronald is face down in the bowl, hog tied with ancient chewing gum and the King lies lifeless, a gaping peanut wound in his massive turd encrusted cranium...truly grizzly Craig, grizzly. Wendy and the Colonel are having themselves a heart-warming chuckle over frosties gazing down at their fallen adversaries...Personally I don;t know how they can stomach some brown soft serve at a time like this...but to each his own...Craig? Craig! Put down that bacon...it's not sanitary!

And there you have it folks, our messiest melt down yet. Special thanks to Philly for the combatant suggestion! Keep 'em coming! Stay tuned next week when Craig and I pull another match up out of our asses!

2009-06-08T06:00:00.008-04:00

Fast Food Fight!!!

Well folks, welcome to one of my favorite subjects, Fast Food. This week's battle brings you a tag team match of some of your favorite artery clogging merchants of death. In one corner we have Colonel Sanders and Wendy versus Ronald McDonald and the Burger King. All combatants have proved at one point or another that they can loosen your bowels and empty your stomach, not to mention induce massive heart attacks, but can they fight!?! Which cuisonators will reign supreme, only you can decide.

Jordan, let me start by saying "I love this match-up". I'm sure volume's could be written about each of these combatants and their exploits. Here in one match we have 4 individuals that have killed more people than the rest of our former combatants combined. Not to mention that they are spearheading a global fatass epidemic, the likes of which is trying to take me out with it. So let's break it down. On one side we have choke and puke golden boy Ronald McDonald and his second rate biatch The Burger King. Both these guys serve up some substandard shitpatty but probably have a combined death count in the millions. On the other hand we have dirty bird founder Colonel Sanders and his little lady Wendy. In terms of being able to make an individual sick from a single serving I gotta go with Colonel Sanders and his delicious smelling but gut wrenching chicken. All in all though I think I'm going to have to go with Lucky Ron and The King, in the end they suck ass more than Colonel Sanders and Wendy. I love Wendy and her Baconator is genius. GENIUS!!! She could never kill me, never.......I think.

Right you are Craig, these four represent the cream of the shitty food crop! In their florescent light bathed, bleach soaked, greasy lairs our contestants are devising strategy, refining their skills, and cooking up new schemes on how to annihilate each other! This will be a tough week to choke down! How can a pedophilic clown and bobble-headed king defeat a decorated (I'm assuming) military officer and a square patty flinging gingerkind? I predict that the voting this week will very much follow our individual readers tastes. Be sure to vote and stay tuned to find out who will gain Fast-food supremacy! Who will win our knock down, drag out, no holds bared, death match, street fight, throw down, to the death?!?

2009-06-05T06:00:00.005-04:00

Blockbuster Beat-Down!

Well Craig, here we are again eagerly waiting for our fighters to arrive. A rather large crowd has gathered here at Kanata Centrum, just outside the AMC. Considering that this place is one giant parking cluster-fuck, I did not expect the turn out we have. There is a loud humming and a perfect sphere or lightning has appeared just infront of the sushi restaraunt...Its a naked John Conner, evidently coming back in time to participate in this weeks match up. He looks...well...squinty and somewhat sleep deprived...Oh whats this? That sound effect can only mean one thing...our next fighter, Spock has just beamed in and he is squating for some reason..and he looks shiny...lens flares abound! That makes two fighters, now we are just waiting on Wolverine...Wow the Best Buy just exploded...Wolverine is walking out of the flames! In slow motion! wow what an unimaginative standard action movie entrance! He looks smokey...and pissed!

Jordan, the three combatants are now facing off in a crudely formed ring in front of the AMC. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife, the only sound is the shitty 50's music they play to keep the skaters away. John Connor is stepping forward and boy does he look pissed. He's picking some kid out of the crowd and screaming at him in absolute rage. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? The kid is now saying sorry, for what, I still don't know. "NO I DON"T WANT SORRY, I WANT YOU OFF THIS FUCKING SET? What the hell is he talking about?? "THINK FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND!! DON'T YOU THINK IT'S DISTRACTING WHEN YOU ARE WALKING AROUND IN THE BACKGROUND....". John better watch out Jordan. While he's still busy raging at this poor kid it looks like Wolvie is going to take matter's into his own hands. Ouch, Wolverine just muttered "hold this bub" while crushing out his cigar on Spock's forehead. While Spock is muttering something about being "illogical" Wolverine is purposefully striding across to John Connor. John is still screaming and does not seem to notice Wolverine approaching him from the rear. Oooooo and in one fluid motion Wolverine has clawed John Connor through the back and out the chest in a vicious double fisted uppercut. That must have made John Connor soil his pants, and well shut him up too.

Right you are Craig! He straight up murdered John Conner! Humanity is fucked! The Machines will win! Spock is just standing there looking rather un-interested as Wolverine waits for something to explode...Whats this? Craig, it appears that another lightning-ball-from-the-future is materializing right inbetween our remaining combatants! Its...Its...a naked female Vulcan!!! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING! She seems to have peeked Spocks interest! I hear the classic Trek danger music! Amazing! Spock is getting a Vulcan-Pon-Far-Bonner! Some one from the crowd has handed him a rake with a hoe duct-taped to the other end. Wolverine is still waiting for Conners body to explode!!! He does not see Spock coming!! DAMN! Spock just connected with his Hoe/Rake! If it wasn't for his unpronounceable metal skeleton, we would be calling this fight right now...But instead, Wolverine just looks pissed!

Spock ain't no fool, he knows he is in trouble now. He's scanning the crowd for a red shirt but can't find anything but a few Sens fans. He's really looking desperate now. It looks like Spock has just remembered something. He's patting his sides, and yes, he found his phaser. This could be good. Oh my Wolvie just took a massive blast right to the chest. He's on the ground twitching,...now still,..wait for it, wait for it,...yes he is getting back up. That bonehead Spock only had the phaser set to stun. Wolverine is growling now arms outstretched blades gleaming and is now charging Spock. Whoa Spock has ducked at the last second and come up behind Wolverine with a Vulcan Neck Pinch. But what's this, he must have been hurried, his ring finger is slightly out of position and instead of putting Wolverine to sleep he is sending him into a massive clawing frenzy.

Good, sweet, tiny-handed, baby Jesus that was a lot of blood! How could Spock have missed with the Vulcan-Nerve pinch? Wolverine just annihilated him! Wait for it....There it is what was left of Spock just exploded and Wolverine, true to form, is walking away from it in slow motion lighting yet another stogie...cliche, but classic! And there you have it folks...He led the voting all week, so it should come as no surprise that Wolverine is the winner of the summer blockbuster beatdown! Now if we are lucky he will go slaughter everyone over at skynet and save humanity...

Mother Fucker should have come as Sylar, biatch!

2009-06-01T06:00:00.003-04:00

Summer Blockbuster Death Match

Hi folks and welcome to this weeks edition of Monday Morning Fight Club. This week we bring you a few summer favorites. Spock, John Conner, and Wolverine. This is a 3 way death match, last one with a heartbeat wins the day.

Jordan, this is great, another craptastic summer of re-imagined Hollywood shit. But even now and then a few golden nuggets of turd will fall out of Hollywood's massive golden ass. We've picked three film heroes today that will hopefully shine through the refuse. Although we have some real contenders here this week I think I still have to side with Wolverine on this one. Simple fact is the mofo can regenerate, 'nuff said. I mean here is a dude that had the adamantium ripped off his bones by Magneto and still lived. You gotta be a tough mother fucker to do that. He is gonna stuff poor old spock right up John Conners robot infested arse hole.

Well Craig, first off this is not the kind of match up that I think of when someone mentions; "three way" and B, this is hardly a fair fight. Spock is only useful in a fight if he is horny and has one of these doo-hickeys, and John Conner almost always gets a terminator to do his fighting for him (if he thought ahead and sent a reprogrammed one back from the future). Wolverine, on the other hand, is always looking for a fight, not to mention the fact that he tends to go on a berserker rampage fairly often and straight up murders who-ever he happens to be pointed at. I'm with you on this one, Wolverine all the way.

2009-05-29T06:00:00.028-04:00

Cartoon Kid Throw Down!

Here we are at the Cosmic Adventures on Olgilvie road. It's a dreary Thursday evening...and well, Craig I have to say I never thought it would come to this, A savage battle between two cartoon icons; Stewie Griffin and Bart Simpson! Our largest crowd to date has gathered here for what looks to be a promising and deadly show down! Bart Simpson is here and is just putting the finishing touches on an "El Barto" graffiti tag on one of the larger plastic slides. He turns as the crowd parts, allowing the diminutive Stewie Griffin to enter our make shift combat ring. Bart circles Stewie, cautiously sizing him up...and...DAMN! Stewie just shot Bart in the head with an automatic pistol! Now he is pissing right into the bullet hole!!! This is grisly!

Well Jordan that was a fast one, Stewie sure made quick work of Bart. Here comes Homer, it looks like he has been quietly sobbing to himself but is now yelling “WHY ME, WHY ME”! He’s taking something out of his pocket, maybe a Kleenex or handkerchief to help wipe away his tears. No wait, it’s a wad of bills, he is putting on some bi-focal glasses now and is carefully counting out twenties to hand over to Mr. Teeny who is looking quite please with himself. Homer is now cursing “The Boy”, I can’t make out exactly what he is saying but it sounds like a mumbly “why that,.. no good, ….should say to that bologna,…gonna owe me,…..D’oh!” Interesting. What’s this now, here comes the victor’s father, Peter Griffin, and boy does he look pleased with himself. Hold on now, this is odd, Peter just stopped short of Stewie, he’s peering into the crowd as though seeing someone familiar and uttering the words “oh crap”! It looks as though a man sized yellow chicken is crawling out of the ball pit. After momentarily staring each other down Peter and The Chicken are charging each other and an all out slug fest has begun. Peter just punched The Chicken in the throat sending him flying through some of the tubes. I’ve lost them now can you see him from where you are standing Jordan?

Luckily Craig I followed them outside and on to a bus, I think it was the #127! The fight is still raging! Peter has ripped the change/ticket stand out of the floor and is beating the chicken and the bus driver with it!, there is broken glass, bus tickets, blood, feathers, and small change everywhere! The bus seems to be on a collision course with the Perkins on St. Laurent...and seeing how it is only 4:30, it must be packed to the gills with "silver hairs"! ........That was rough! The chicken just held Peters body outside of the bus as we careened into the restaurant! That kind of beating should stop anyone but it appears that the fight is still going! From the sounds of it Peter is giving the chicken a "swirly" in the deep fryer! The chicken counters by squirting a gallon of "Whirl" into Peters eyes and he set him on Fire! Craig I hope you are close by! This fight is intense!

Jordan, it looks like Peter has thrown The Chicken through the back wall of the restaurant and is now giving him a flurry of roundhouse kicks sending him sprawling into the middle of the road. The Chicken is getting up and has just clothes lined a guy off his motorcycle and is now taking off on the semi destroyed bike. Peter who has somehow managed to obtain some old football pads, black face paint and a cherry red Mohawk wig has hot-wired what appears to be a modified rusted out Trans-Am with razor sharp blades sticking out the doors and a cow catcher from what has to be a very old train welded to the front bumper. Peter is giving chase to The Chicken; the two morons are punching and kicking each every chance they get. Both combatants have now gotten on the Queensway and The Chicken appears to be moving well out in front of Peter. Peter has just cranked the knob on a canister of Nitros and his post apocalyptic shit box has just rocketed up the road approaching The Chicken’s bike. Mini-vans and SUVs are being smashed out of the way like they are pieces of rubbish. Peter has caught up with The Chicken and has run both the motorcycle and his own vehicle off the road and into the Rideau canal. The slug fest is continuing up the canal, stank water and blood are flying everywhere. The Chicken has grabbed a dirty, greasy Carp out of the algae and weeds and is smacking Peter mercilessly across the face with it.

Craig, from here it looks to be a Pike, and all I can say is...that fish is definitely dead. Peter seems to have recovered nicely though, he just clipped the chicken with a scooter to the head! The chicken has made a break for it, he just hijacked a houseboat and Peter, wearing water wings, is in hot pursuit! The Chicken has noticed that Peter seems to be at a disadvantage! The Chicken is turning around and seems intent on running Peter down! Peter is doing his best to swim away from the Chicken but it is just a matter of time...This could be it! Wait! Whats this!!! It was a trap! Peter was dragging a sea mine behind him! If the water wasn't so nasty the Chicken might have been able to see it before it was too late! The explosion has destroyed the houseboat! It's raining shitty canal water and feathers everywhere! The Chicken is nowhere to be found! That blast has emptied the canal...Peter is standing victoriously in the center of the nasty, sloppy, muckey, mess of beaver tail wrappers and sewage.

You're a jackass, you must have turd vision because that was not a Pike that was a Carp and I'm pretty sure it swam away the second it hit the water.

But I digress. I think we spoke too soon, I see a pair of beady blood shot eyes staring up at Peter from the ass mud at the bottom of the now empy canal. Materializing out of the mud like some shit stained version of a T1000 is The Chicken. He has managed to catch Peter off guard and has landed a devistating blow to the solarplexis. Peter is one fat tough cookie though, as he finishes dry heaving and comes up for air both he and The Chicken grab each other's throats in death like grips. This surely will be the end of one of them Jordan. But wait, what is that, jumping off the roof of the Dow's Lake Pavilion, it's none other than Homer Simpson. What a spectacular feet of retardedness, he is flying through the air with the grace of a 500 lb male walrus. Folks, the magnitude of the impact is unbelievable, Homer's gut has driven Peter and The Chicken to the bottom of the muck and the recoil has launched Homer back to dry land. Homer is now pointing at the spot where Peter and The Chicken last stood and launching into some nonsensical tirade about avenging his fallen boy, but what is this, he has stopped mid-sentence to go chasing after a squirrel, "hee hee hee". I can hear his laughter from here. I think we can safely say that is a wrap Jordan.

And there you have it folks, Stewie is this weeks big winner. And special thanks to Barry for this weeks match up suggestion, enjoy the butter tarts!

2009-05-25T06:00:00.012-04:00

Stewie Griffin vs. Bart Simpson

Hi folks and welcome to this week's edition of Monday Morning Fight Club. This week on MMFC we have two of the most recognizable faces in cartoon history, Bart Simpson and Stewie Griffin. Two classic cartoon kids in a battle for supremacy, who will end up on top, you decide.

Jordan, I have to go with Bart Simpson on this one. Not only is there a soft place in my heart for the Simpsons, but when you think about it Bart has withstood beatings not only from the likes of Kirby and Jimbo Jones, but he is also a survivor of domestic abuse. I mean, come on, how many times has Homer strangled the shit out of Bart, and "The Bartman" just walks away every time. My money is on Bart for this one! Football headed Stewie can go back to his Simpsons-wannabe show and suck it.

Craig, I have to strongly disagree with you on this one. Stewie is a genius and has been known to wield death rays, pilot jet fighters, and build time machines! Where as Bart is a mildly retarded smart ass. Bart may be a jerk, but Stewie is sadistic and evil! I'll be surprised if Bart lives long enough to say "don't have a cow man" or "eat my shorts"!

2009-05-22T06:00:00.004-04:00

Super-Zero Battle Play by Play

Hi folks, welcome to this weeks Craptacular Super Zero Battle. Thanks for joining us here at Orleans' very own rendition of Sunnyvale Trailer Park, yes that's right, Terra Nova Estates. Please give it up for the ass stain of Orleans. Speaking of shit stains, here come our two contestants. In one corner we have the (hee hee) Whizzer, and in the other corner we The Red Tornado. Yellow turd versus red turd, beautiful this should be an instant classic. The Whizzer is starting to hum and vibrate and there seems to be a growing dust cloud around Red Tornado's feet. Jordan I think they are about to throw down.

Hell yes Craig! and about time too, it seems that the residents of this "community" are getting restless and throwing bottles at both contestants. Oooo, that bottle of baby duck came awful close to Whizzers head! Red Tornado is making his move...I guess, I mean it's hard to tell when you can't see his legs and he is making that annoying wind noise, over and over. Oh there it is, the Red Tostito has unleash the full fury of a moderate breeze directly at the Whizzer, who has zipped over to Piggys to get some refreshments, looks to be a colossal tub of Mountain dew and Cola "swamp water". Craig it seems that moderate breeze is doing quite a lot of damage to the surrounding "homes". Do you think we are safe here?

Jordan, I think we are safe from the breeze, but I'm still not sure about the home owners, they could be trouble. I can't help but think that Red Tornado had a hand in selecting the battleground this week. I mean we are in one of Ottawa's only trailer parks with a being who can create tornados. It is a marriage destined to be. Yes and here we go, Red Tornado is now picking up random trailers and tossing them at the Whizzer. Good thing he is a fast little bitch and can easily out run the flying pieces of trash. Red Tornado is growing more and more frustrated at his inability to hit the little speedster and is now destroying trailers and vehicles at random. Ooooo, did you see that? Two poor white trash turds were beside their rusted out Airstreams comparing tribal tattoos and walking their pitbulls when they were clipped by a flying '95 Honda Civic Hatchback. Luckily the 3 foot high triple spoiler only took out their leather and mesh baseball caps. That was a close one.

Indeed Craig, Indeed. It seems that the Red robot is getting extremely frustrated now, most likely due to the fact that the Whizzer zipped in behind him, slapped his tornado-y ass and has apparently urinated on him...I guess that's why they call him the Whizzer....and now that detour to Piggys for the Swamp Water is starting to make sense...he had to load up! It's a crazy world Craig, crazy world. It looks like the golden shower has soaked into the robots fancy red and yellow duds and is causing him to short circuit, electricity is arching everywhere!...nigh invulnerable my ass! This just got real Craig, the now messed up Red Tornado is creating a super sized twister that has completely decimated the few remaining traillers in the park! The Whizzer can't out run this mess, double-wides, chevettes, mullets, and random livestock are flying everywhere. Ouch! The Whizzer just caught a grow-opp trailer right in the head! he is down!...well as down as you can be when you are being whipped around by a red and yellow piss covered tornado generating robot...and now the Red Tornado has exploded for good measure! Good times!

Well there you have it folks...by far to worst match up we've ever made you read...thats what you get when you don't vote! Stay tuned next week when we tackle our first ever fan submitted match up!

2009-05-19T06:00:00.003-04:00

The Not-So-Super Smack Down!

Well Craig, we have a delightful match up this week, it's a battle between two superheros! While most people would expect a Superman vs Batman or a Spiderman vs Wolverine we here at Monday Morning Fight Club strive to concoct a more refined duel. And with that in mind we have thrown together... The Whizzer vs. The Red Tornado!

Well Craig, I'll have to go with the Whizzer on this one, just look at him! It takes a lot of confidence to be out patrolling the steets in that all-yellow ensemble! The Whizzer's super power is a classic favorite; super-speed! He got his powers whilst traveling in exotic Africa , where he was bitten by a cobra and given a transfusion of Mongoose Blood(WTF!!!) to survive! He returns home, decides to fight crime, marries Miss America (USA!USA!USA!) and joins the super group....wait for it..."All-Winners-Squad" (not made up). A resume like that makes me belive I'm baking a winner!

Well Jordan you certainly have picked a piece of shit for this battle. I too, though, have a lovely turd served up on my platter, and his name is the Red Tornado. Fucking gay ass android built by none other than super bad guy T.O.Morrow. Yes, indeed, I'm sure you are wondering as much as me, who the fuck comes up with these shitty plots and characters. As turdalicious as he might seem on the outside with his red spandex suit and st-ut-te-ry ro-bo-t voice Red Tornado can lay a serious beating on any unlucky hero who happens to meet him in a dark alley, or anywhere else for that matter. With super speed the equivalent of Superman's and super strength the equivalent of Wonder Woman's he can hand out an ass whooping when his androidhood is called into question. The Whizzer should be preparing to eat his own stool just about now.

Be sure to vote this week! Even if all you base you vote on is the guys name or appearance!

2009-05-15T06:00:00.002-04:00

The Biggest Play by Play Ever

Well Craig, I have been looking forward to this match up all week! Two of my childhood favorites are set to square off right here in Ottawa! The police have evacuated most of the important so and so's from the downtown core and we appear to be all set. We are just waiting on the arrival of our two combatants. Luckily for us, we managed to get an unobstructed view from the Sea King helicopter on loan to us from the Canadian Forces! I hear the music! This is it! Godzilla is making his way up the Ottawa river, he appears to be caked in Peitre Island mud...the stink is visible! rumor has it he laid waste to Thurso on his way here...and nobody noticed (rim shot!). Any sign of Ultraman or should I say Shin Hayata.

Jordan, I haven't seen Ultraman yet, but holy shit does Godzilla stink. I hope he didn't ingest any of that Petrie Island mud or else we are going to have one hell of a mess on our hands. Oh, hold on there's Ultraman down at the foot of the Rideau Canal locks. The little space ninja is growing right before my eyes, and I'm not talking about my dick here folks. The combatants have made eye contact and Godzilla is not wasting any time blasting Ultraman with a huge bolt of atomic breath. Ultraman has been sent flying through the Bytown Museum and has landed on the War Memorial. Godzilla is climing out of the canal to give chase. What the heck is that on his foot Jordan. From here is looks like a moldy yellow bus with "Lady Duck" written on the side. OOOooooo that's not good. Godzilla and Ultraman are on a rampage, the War Memorial is toast and they have also destroyed Parliment and the Bytown Market. This is mass destruction!!

Indeed! It seems our two foes have run out of landmarks to smash! Come to think of it Ottawa is a horrible city for these guys to let loose in. Godzilla just let off another blast of thermo-nuclear breath...hitting nothing in particular...Ultraman is still busy striking intimidating space ninja poses, occasionally firing off random bolts of energy...also hitting nothing. Ultraman is really cutting this close, he is on the clock as Ultraman and if I remember correctly, when he runs out of stored up solar-juice, he shrinks back down to "Shin size" and Big "G" will be scrapping him of the bottom of his feet.

What the hell was that horrendous gurgling sound Jordan? Holy crap, here it comes dude. Godzilla is holding his stomach and he does not look good. My guess, Petri Island mud doing it's thing. Yup, indeed, Godzilla has just shat all over the squigee kids that were smoking dope on the Rideau Center roof garden. Ooooo and here comes the second blast, absolutely covering the pathetic artsies crying over their smashed National Gallery. He's not finished folks, Godzilla is being selective this time. Yes, indeed it looks like he is positioning his ass for an extra special delivery, oooooooooo and he just ass-spray painted some poor schmuck tweeting on his Blackberry. Ultraman has been hanging back while Godzilla unloads, but now that shitfest is done he is on the move.

Ultraman just grabbed Godzilla by the tail and is spinning him around wildly, this might be it Craig! Uh-oh, Ultraman is shrinking! He is reverting back to his human alter-ego! Godzilla is loose again, but he seems to be having a hard time finding Mini-Ultraman ...Wait, what is that metal on metal noise? GODDAMN SEA KING P.O.S.! WE ARE GOING DOWN!!!!!

Craig, I have never seen anything (not made by Dodge) fall apart that fast! Its a good thing we were thrown clear on impact! Not to mention the fact that I remembered to wear my cup!

For sure Jordan, look at that I can see the inside of the Sea King and it looks like the engine was comprised mostly of Tinker Toys. Only in Canada dude. Godzilla is now spinning in circles wildly trying to find Ultraman. The big idiot has gotten himself so dizzy, he is tripping over Ottawa U. Oh, that is just typical, our shistained mega lizard has just squashed Ultraman under his gigantic green crap covered ass. Typical dude, typical.

And there you have it folks, yet another attempt at a humorous show down...tune in next week for more of the same!....or else.

2009-05-11T06:00:00.004-04:00

Kaiju Beat Down!

This weeks match up is the largest we've ever covered here at Monday Morning Fight Club. Ultraman, solar powered, super-sized superhero faces Godzilla, king of all monsters !

Craig I have to say I am thrilled to see how this weeks battle will go down! Even though I dig the giant silver space ninja I have to side with nuclear powered lizard on this one. Godzilla just does not know how to lose. He has taken on all challengers in his epic career and keeps coming back for more! His combination of rage, determination, and thermonuclear breath beam will make short work of the brave yet soon to be dead silver giant!

I have to agree with you on this one Jordan. Godzilla will be the one handing the beat down this week. Although Ultraman does look like a chrome plated ninja, I still don't think he has the shiny metallic balls to stand toe to toe with the master of mayhem himself. Godzilla is going to pull his shitty rubber wetsuit out of the ocean and blast Ultraman back to the stoneage...actually I'm pretty sure that was a plot in one of these crap Japanese movies. If Ultraman is lucky maybe a random passing Garukadon will save his ass.

Be sure to vote, or face the consequences!

2009-05-08T06:00:00.006-04:00

Power-tard Beat Down

Hi folks welcome to the Elmvale shopping plaza, where nothing is going on,...ever. This place is about as challenged as our contestants, who just seem to be arriving. Sloth just stepped off the short bus. He definitely stands out in a crowd with his massive cone head, and faded Superman t-shirt. Across the desolate parking lot I can see Mongo arriving on a large slow moving water buffalo, which oddly enough does not seem entirely out of place in this neighborhood. Both contestants are entering the mall now and seem to be mesmerized by the craptacular knick-knacks at the Dollar Store and the classy display of shiny pertty beer cans at the Beer Store. I really hope something gets these two gentle giants going pretty soon or all the local drop-outs are going to move on. It looks like Sloth may have forgotten a Baby Ruth on the short bus because he just ran out of the mall and back onto the bus. Mheh, what can you expect from a Power Tard.

Right you are Craig....this place is a hole! This could be the worst collection of stores to call themselves a mall in the entire western world! The only hope for this place is that the ensuing power tard fight will demolish this place in a hurry...a vacant lot would be a welcome improvement. Speaking of tards, Mongo has dis-mounted and is strolling purposefully towards Sloth..this could be it... the throw down we've been waiting for...oh, wait instant combat appears to be less immanent...Sloth is stuck in the doorway of the short bus...he appears to be calling for assistance "HEY YOU GUYS..." Well now this is interesting and a deffinate first here on Monday Mourning Fight Club...Mongo appears to be helping Sloth...Mongo is beating up the bus! Impressive!

Okay, both combatants are free of the short bus now and are going at each other. This is like watching two retarded Hulks beat on each other, it's great. OOOoooooo Sloth just threw Mongo through the front of the mall. This is incredible Jordan, then entire mall is just crumbling to the ground. It looks like the brick wall is just a veneer held up by Dollar Store popsicle sticks. Amazing. Mongo is scratching his head wondering what the hell is going on. And here comes Sloth, ouch and he just head butted Mongo into the middle of the parking lot. You would think that having a foreheard like a drive-in theatre would protect from "head butt" damage, but Sloth seems to be in a bit of pain. From here I can see his eyes blinking asynchronously (fuck big word for MMFC), I take that back Jordan, what I meant to say is his eyes be blinking like a blinking blinker.

I never would have thought this possible...Sloth and Mongo are slapping each other with car fenders from what appear to be Dodge Neons...there are a dis-proportionate number of Neons in this parking lot. Upon closer inspection none of these Neons appear to be made from their original parts! In fact some of the cars seem to be falling apart just before Mongo or Sloth get to them! Ooooo they have upgraded to throwing entire cars at eachother...this is really going well! Granted, many bystanders are being pelted by debris, but the over all mood of the crowd appears to be good! Smiles all around! There is just something about watching two, massive, seemingly invulnerable Tards pound on each other! Wait a minute! Mongo is taking objection to Sloth picking up his water buffalo....this could turn grim! Mongo has farted right into Sloths open mouth! Sloth is flipping out! He knocked Mongo down and ...OH GOD! Sloth is cramming the water buffalo into Mongo's butt! GOOD LORD! thats it the crowd is not taking this turn well, some are staring in stunned silence, others are throwing up, and still others are throwing up because they just saw someone throw up! Shut is down Craig, Shut it down! I think that image will be burned into the back of my eyes forever...or at least until next week! Kick it Craig!

Wow, and there you have it folks, yet another exciting conclusion on Monday Morning Fight Club! Those of you who voted...and we know who you are...can claim your reward from Craig next time you see him...and if you didn't vote...well you ought to be ashamed.

2009-05-04T06:00:00.006-04:00

Power Tard Match-Up

Hi folks welcome to this weeks match-up. As always here are Monday Morning Fight Club we strive to go lower and lower below the line. To honour our policy we have brought you two of the world's premier Power Tards. In one corner we have the Baby Ruth loving Sloth and in the other corner we have the water buffalo riding, horse punching Mongo.

Jordan, as with all retards these guys have a fucked up exterior but a heart of gold. Both our combatants have the ability to achieve amazing feats of strength and could easily lay waste to anything that crosses their path. But at heart these guys are just plain good, and if that one thing crossing their paths turns out to be a baby rabbit the entire match could turn out to be a flop. Steinbeck fans would be roused to tears as both power tards vie for a chance to "pet the bunnies". On the off chance that something awakens the beast within I'm gonna have to go with Sloth. As far as I'm concerned, Sloth is the power tard of power tards. Not only did he pull a freakin' chain out of a wall, and lay the beats on his entire family, he also held up a freaking mountain to let 7 snot nose punks escape certain doom. My vote has got to go to Sloth this time around.

Craig, I agree this battle could be over before it starts! If these two dim-witted, steroid rich, man-oliths aren't properly motivated we could end up watching the super-tards pick flowers and sing to each other! I doubt you would let that happen, so in the event of a throw-down I will side with Mongo. Granted Sloth is strong, but the chain was loose when he pulled it out of the wall and as far as "holding up a mountain" he did no such thing...all he held up was a suspiciously light looking boulder. When picking a winner here he have to take their diminished mental capacities into account, and the easiest way to determine who is smarter is to ask yourself, "who did these retards choose to follow?" Sloth chose to follow Chunk the weakest link in the pre-adolescent group know as the "Goonies". Whereas Mongo, decided to follow the much more intelligent, not to mention prominent; Sheriff Bart. Besides are you forgetting that Mongo survived getting blown up, without suffering hearing loss, or even a scratch! Mongo all the way!

There it is folks! Who do you think will win this epic battle of mentally deficient super men?!? Vote! Comment! Vote&Comment!

2009-05-01T06:00:00.012-04:00

Battle of the Stinky Midgets

They're funny because they are small, what more needs to be said. We're here at the St. Laurent Shopping Mall food court. Quite a crowd of teenage moms, coolios and poor people have gathered to watch today's match. I don't see the combatants anywhere, but I do smell that distinctive midget smell; a peculiar mix of cabbage and carnie. They have got to be close Jordan but I don't see them anywhere. Mind you the little bastards are known to be sneaky, devious and able to use their size to their advantage. Devil Spawn!!! But I digress. Oh, wait a minute I think I've spotted them up on the "balloon race" panorama. Can you confirm that from your vantage point Jordan?

So hard to tell Craig, It seems that their diminutive size and horrible fashion sense have the Hobbits blending in perfectly with the creepy balloon people. Wow! Wicket is not wasting any time! He has set the balloon diorama on fire by lobbing a series flaming lunch trays! The Balloons are down! Flaming diorama debris everywhere! Impressive! It looks like Sam is dragging Frodo from the flaming wreckage now, and it also appears that Frodo is already sobbing horrendously...typical. Wicket is like a midget bear with ADD! he is now tearing apart the sushi stand! he keeps repeating "Yub Nub" over and over and stabbing random passerbys , what can it mean? No sign yet of Willow, Craig can you see him from your vantage point at the BeaverTail stand?

Yes Jordan, I can see Willow from here, if you look closely you'll see he is actually emerging from Wicket's ass end. Hmmmm I'm guessing that passes for a costume change here on Monday Morning Fight Club. Now he's trying to find some kind of magical stick to wave around. It looks like the two hobbits have used this impromptu costume change as a chance to partake in elevensies at A&W of all places. Well that didn't take long, they've already finished up after wolfing down a few eggers and hashbrowns. God Damn, I'll give them one thing, Hobbits knows hows to eat. Crazy shit, that was fast. It looks like that energized them, they mean business now and are laying the boots, or rather the "hairy stomp feet" to Willow. Wait a second, Wicket is back on his feet and coming to Willow's rescue. Now, if that wasn't a costume change we witnessed earlier what was it? I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what these dirty little midget bitches are up to.

Indeed! Sam came out of nowhere and clubbed Wicket in the back of his leather head wrap/hood thingy...and is now dragging him back to the food court! Craig, I can't believe what I am seeing here...or rather what I am smelling...Sam seems to have jury-rigged a rotisserie over one of the fire places and put the lifeless body of Wicket on a spit! The entire food court smells like a pile of burnt-hair,wet-dog,curry-fart, and taco-meat! I had no idea that ewoks smelled that bad! Sad to see the little guy come to an end like that, becoming the headliner for Sam's second breakfast! Whats this? Damn thats hard to watch! Frodo, still sobbing, is chasing Willow around the HMV! and I don't need to tell you that watching Willow run is almost as bad as watching Harrison Ford or Danny Glover run. Gut wrenching Craig, truly gut wrenching!

Right you are Jordan, it is very hard to watch those stumpy little legs hobble down the hall. My, my, Frodo has succumb to his addiction and is putting on the "One Ring". I have a feeling the end is near for Willow. Oh lord, I can't watch this, I'm pretty sure he didn't put the ring on his finger, but rather on his...oh no!!??...what kind of ring is that again Jordan? Frodo has just gone invisible from the waist down. He seems to be kicking Willow senseless, and Willow can't fight back since he can't see the flurry of blows coming from Frodo. I guess there is method to Frodo's madness. This one is all but over friends, here comes George Lucas to collect his midget manservants and a skinny Peter Jackson seems to be trying to corral the hobbits who are quite worked up and now seem to be beating on him. Once again things are way way out of control.

And there you have it folks...another debauchel from the folks here at Monday Morning Fight Club! Tune in next Monday for yet another unlikely, but hopefully entertaining match up! And keep voting and commenting, otherwise Craig will find you...I don't know how...but he will find you!

2009-04-27T06:00:00.006-04:00

Totally Tiny Tag Team Take Down for all Time!

Well folks we have something special in store for you this week! An all midget tag team battle featuring; Sam and Frodo vs Willow and Wicket! Who will tag their tiny way to victory? Stay tuned for another exciting edition of....Monday Morning Fight Club!

Straight up Craig, I have to give this one to Willow and Wicket. They are a devastating combo of wile magic user and crazy wild man/bear. Willow can handle the strategy and slight-of-hand trickery while Wicket will swing in from out of nowhere and kick their hairy-footed asses. I can't see them having too much trouble with Sam and Frodo. Sam, who seems to be a pretty competent fighter, simply has his hands full taking care of his overly-effeminate buddy. Even with "The One Ring" (Which I think is caked in LSD and Heroine) Frodo is pretty much useless...He is a strung out junkie one trick pony(turning invisible), without Sam's help Frodo would have been killed long ago...probably by someone who got tired of his giant weepy eyes. The only conceivable edge Sam and Frodo have is weaponry. Their elf-made glow-in-the-dark lawn dart sized swords are a little more intimadating than a bent stick and a wooden spear.

I gotta say Jordan, I'm totally stoked for this battle. These funny little fuckers make me laugh, damn I love midget wrestling. This is going to kick ass. I have to disagree with you though, the homo erotic boys from Middle Earth are going to wipe Willow's ass with his furry companion Wicket. As far as I see it's not even going to be close. Sam and Frodo braved the wilds of Mordor fending off orcs, ogres, Uruk-hai, Golum and the master of all things bad Sauron himself to toss the Ring of Power into a molten pit of Lava. A furry piece of shit and one over exposed dwarf ain't gonna mount to piss against these two. Let the freakshow begin!!

Remember to stop by on Friday morning to see how the battle played out!

2009-04-24T06:00:00.014-04:00

Roid Rage for the Ages!

Hi folks, welcome to this weeks beat down. We are here at Saunder's farm for the much anticipated Roid Rage Match. This is quite a piece of land here at the farm, although the crowd seems to be settling in around the "Corn" maze. A few lucky individuals have scored some seats in a few of the observation posts located around the premises. On one end of the maze we have Rambo who seems to be sharpening a large knife and conversing in a dialect that sounds completely foreign to anything spoken on this planet. Dutch is stationed across the maze from Rambo and boy does he look like he means business. He is loaded down head to toe in jungle camo gear and packing a 100 rounds/sec mini Gatling gun. Rambo better be a mean customer with that knife or he is toast. Someone just sounded a horn and both combatants are off to the races. This should be a good one.

Maybe I spoke too soon Jordan. Both contestants have been in the maze now for just under an hour. No shots have been fired, no punches have been thrown. Dutch and Rambo both seem to be completely lost. They both seem to be walking in endless circles completely baffled by the grade school difficulty of the maze. Wait now, Dutch looks visibly upset,I think he is reaching the breaking point. He just snuffed out his cigar underfoot and is unleashing the beast on the corn maze. The blast from that Gatling gun is impressive indeed. Half the maze has been cut down in a matter of seconds. Not only that but he also accidentally mowed down half the spectators too. Rambo is joining the fray now, he just notched an explosive arrow and took out one of the observation towers, he must think he is in the 'Nam. It's becoming quite risky to be a spectator at one of these events. Jordan, how do things look from your side of the field?

Sorry Craig, I stepped out for a second to change my pants...that mini gun is a thing of beauty... From the looks of things Rambo has busied himself making a poncho out of a tarp that was keeping a stack of hay dry...he seems confused, wait, he can't find his headband...he does not look happy. Dutch on the other hand is also taking a break, he seems to be making an elaborate series of traps powered by counter weights and jungle vines...where the hell did he find vines? And yes...you had to see this coming, Dutch is now covering himself with mud...but that isn't mud, it's a steamy pile of horse crap! Highly unconventional! Lets see what Rambo is up to now...OH COME ON! now Rambo is making an elaborate series of traps out of wood, hay and leftover pumpkins! Indeed!

Jordan this is ridiculous the two buffoons are killing everything in sight excpet each other. It looks like they are both done setting up their traps. Now that Dutch is covered in horse crap he is ditching the mini-gun and tying a gigantic knife to an old corn stalk. He is in a cat like pose now slowly stalking Rambo. He has stopped moving and from here it looks like he is quietly perched beside one of Rambo's traps, folks I think we are stuck in a muscle bound retard waiting game, he's probably hoping Rambo sets off one of his own traps. This is starting to drag on a bit again, Dutch is obviously bored now and is sitting there shaving his face with an old Bic razor he found in the maze, muttering "gonna have me some fun, gonna have me some fun" over and over again. Finally Jordan, look at that, Rambo is on the move and he is getting dangerously close to Dutch. Ooooooo in a true show of unsportsman like conduct Dutch has rushed Rambo and given him the old Roshambo treatment. I can hear the crunch from here, if I didn't know better I'd think Dutch was trying to kick that ball sack to the moon.

Now that was uncalled for! Dutch just set off one of his larger traps which in turn has set of a series of Rambo's more bizarre, pumpkin themed traps. It is once again a scene of mayhem here at Monday Morning Fight Club. The crowd is screaming, the maze is on fire, I did not expect this level of looting here at Saunders Farm! Wait I hear something...Dutch is yelling "GET TO THE CHOPPER BILLY!" at the top of his retarded Austrian lungs...He is running out of the smoke wait what is that in his arms! It is! Dutch is carrying Rambo...and Rambo is sobbing about some guy named Johnny and his apparent lack of legs...Truly moving! Well I have to say that the winner of this week contest is...drum roll please...Dutch! It seems that Rambo was just too shell shocked from the 'Nam to mount any serious assault on the mud-covered master of mayhem. Indeed!

Well thanks again folks, another memorable week! Tune again next week for another thunderous throw-down and remember; If you don't vote...Craig will "check your package"

2009-04-20T06:00:00.002-04:00

Dutch Vs Rambo!

Rambo vs Dutch, although this would be a close one I think the current state of Rambo’s face speaks volumes. Dutch must have messed him up at some point. I’m guessing Dutch naturally took off all his clothes and covered himself in cold river mud,… you know to avoid detection,… snuck up on Rambo while he was trying to notch an arrow in his bow or some other pansy activity, and laid the beat down.

I'm going to go out on a limb on this one Craig. After having done massive doses of bovine steriods and human growth hormone both Stallone(Rambo) and Ahnold(Dutch) would be on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and chemicaly induced rage. The battle will last for days, villages and towns would be layed to waste, children orphaned. In the end, their hormone ravaged bodies would begin to produce a gargantuan excess of estrogen. This along with having seen the carnage of the collateral damage their epic battle caused, would cause then to collapse into sobbing heaps of man-boobs, hugging and crying themselves to sleep. No one wins!

2009-04-17T06:00:00.006-04:00

All Sugar Showdown Play by Play!

Well folks, here we are again, on a beautiful Thursday night in the cafeteria of the Adult High School off of Gladstone. School custodians have marked out a crude, yet impressive ring using what looks to be alternating buckets of lard, mystery meat, pickles, and boxes labeled "Non-nutritive gravy-sauce". The crowd is looking a little confused but anxious. Tony the tiger is making his entrance held high on the shoulders of a crowd of lunch ladies. Tony is taking his time, shaking hands, signing cleavage, and waving to his fans. Truly an awe inspiring sight! Oh whats this? The remedial shop students are wheeling a large brick wall in front of the cafeteria doorway...this can only mean..."OH YEAH" there he is folks, the one and only bright red pitcher of wrecking ball known as "the Kool-Aid Jug". Tony seems to have taken exception to some flying debris from the Jugs entrance...and the fight is on!

As I'm sure everyone knows Tony is really into sports and he is showing his athelticism right now. He is really laying into Kool-Aid Jug, the Judo skills that Tony has are incredible. Kool-Aid Jug may be able to smash through walls, but Tony is smashing him through everything else. Jordan I've lost count of how many lunch tables have been smashed by the fight. Now Tony is holding Kool-Aid Jug up off the ground by his feet and is spinning him in circles faster and faster. Whoa, he just let him go and Kool-Aid Jug just smashed through about 10 walls. I can't see him anymore, but he's got to be hurting. It looks like the big cat is taking the break in action as an oppertunity to sit on his haunches and pull his ass across the floor. I can barely hear what he's saying, but it sounds kind of like a half purr, half "tttthhhaaattttsss ggggrrrreeeaaattt". You know, I had a cat once that swallowed a string and he did much the same thing........uhhhhh sorry, never mind. I still can't see Kool-Aid Jug, how's it look from your angle Jordan?

That is definitely going to leave one hell of a skid mark! This has turned into mass chaos, there are lunch trays embedded in the ceiling tiles, a pyramid of benches is on fire off in the far corner. The crowd is chanting in wild, foreign languages...it is bedlam! There is a distant rumble now...I think the Koolaid Jug is making his way back...oh and he knocks another wall down...this is getting dangerous...the whole building is creaking and wobbling now...thats it...he's done it. That was one wall too many, the building is coming down around us! Hang on folks while we sort this out...

...Well the ruble has finaly settled, and the dust is now disapating. I can make out the Koolaid guy...he may be the winner, I can't seem to locate Tony the Tiger...wait whats this!!! Unbelivabe! Tony is inside the Jug! he is sucking up all the cherry flavoured syrupy goodness... Tony is starting to vibrate at an incredible rate! He is just a blur or Orange and Red! "THEEEERRRRREEEE GGGGRRRREEEAAATTTT!" Holy crap, Tony has exploded out of what was the Koolaid Jug, sending huge shards of glass flying everwhere...the few surviving ESL students picking themselves out of the ruble are now diving for cover! Tony is not stopping...He seems to be growing....This is madness! he is kicking over cars and busses like they are ants! Call in the military Craig! Tony has gone all Godzilla on us...Never give a big cat that much sugar!

Quick somebody get a ball of yarn or a bit of tinsel or something, we have to redirect Tony's energy. Wait, Jordan what are you going to do with that giant ball of tape....ohhhhhh, good idea. Folks, Jordan has ventured out into the rubble and has attached a giant ball of tape to Tony's back. Wow, I didn't know a cat could flatten out like that. He is obviously not enjoying the feel of that tape on his back. Tony is all slinky now and his back is quivering like a bowl full of jelly. It looks like that did the trick, Tony is slinking off into the distance and the custodial staff is cleaning up the remnants of Kool-Aid Jug.

It appears that the shards of the Koolaid Jug are starting to reform in a terminator 2 like puddle of molten glass...wait, I see a hand emerging from the puddle...its a thumbs up....and I hear a faint "oh yeah"...well since Tony-zilla is wigged out with tape on his back...I guess we have to give this one to Koolaid...barely.

And there you have it folks! Calamity again! Thanks for all the votes and comments this week, be sure to tune in next week for another thrilling throwdown right here on Monday Morning Fight Club!

2009-04-13T06:00:00.006-04:00

Kool-Aid Jug vs Tony the Tiger

Jordan, someone is going to be handing out a sugary sweet ass kicking this week, Oh yaaaaa!!! And my money is on the one and only, often imitated but never replicated Kool-Aid Jug. First of all this dude breaks through walls and maintains a smile the entire time. Secondly Tony the Tiger wears a freaking ascot/bandanna. I'm guessing Tony would be more comfortable at a Village People concert than in the arena.

That may be Craig, but I for one will never bet against a big cat on a sugar high. Lifestyle choices aside, Tony is a go-getter of a morning guy descended from a long line of man-eating top dogs in the food chain! The Kool-Aid Jug is nothing more than a fat, obnoxious party crasher who lacks the simple abilities of knocking and door use. I think Tony will be coughing up a candy-sweet hair ball in no time!

2009-04-10T06:00:00.003-04:00

Straight Up Man Looking Bitches Play by Play

Bitches be trippin' yo! This weeks beat down is taking place on the official "Bull Dyke Man Hater" float in the annual Gay Pride parade. Everyone looks like they are in a very festive and flamboyant mood except our two extremely sweaty sinewy combatants. Our fighters lean mean sweaty look is not entirely in stark contrast to the huge pink float they are riding on, depicting a ten foot tall female fist pummeling an equally large flaccid penis. As the parade continues down Bank street the two fighters are removing their jackets revealing matching army green tank tops. I don't know how they managed to get sweaty so fast, but I can see the pit stains from here Jordan. I think the violence is about to start any second now.

Truly a haunting image Craig. All I can say is that this better not turn into a another pose down contest were nobody actually hits each other...wait whats this...It appears that two, not so innocent children have started fighting on an adjacent float. The float seems to be a collection of large, ethnically diverse asses all facing outward, quite the image...one of the children looks to be a little girl with a hastily scrawled "Newt" written on her dress, and the other is wearing a flannel shirt with the name "John" pinned to it. The sight of the children fighting seems to have triggered some violent maternal responses in our combatants! Connor just smoked Ripley with a large black baton looking object handed to her by a parade viewer! Ripley counters with a vicious two-handed slap sending Connor reeling...

Yes Jordan, Connor does seem very unsteady on her feet after receiving that slap, ooooo and Ripley just nailed her with a massive round house kick sending her flying right through the enormous scroat sitting near the back of the float. Tough as ever Connor is clawing her way out of the scroat hole. She's extra sweaty now and bleeding from the corner of her mouth. Boy oh boy does she look angry, she's wiping the blood off her mouth with the back of her hand and shouting "I hope you are wearing 2 million sunblock today bitch because you're about to have a real bad day". Both combatants are screaming in fury now and rushing at one another,....wait, oh lord, one of the parade marshals has gotten too close to the float and is now caught between Ripley and Connor. There's nowhere for him to go, he's caught in the fight and is being pummeled mercilessly by Ripley and Sarah Connor. He is curled up in the fetal position now as both our butches rain blows down on him. I think they've had their fun and are now throwing him down the scroat hole and off the float. That's gotta be traumatizing, the poor fella is now huddled in a dirty ball on the corner of Bank and Slater mumbling "They come out at night, mostly,...mostly". Sad indeed.

Wait whats this... Connor has jumped over to the float where the kid were fighting...but I don't see the kids anywhere...There is smoke rising from the center of the asses, Connor seems to have flung herself into another maternal rage, she is clawing at a large tan ass, no doubt trying to save John from a fiery death! Ripley is close behind her, the two of them tearing at the asses mercilessly!. They've done it, they tore a new opening in the asses but wait...there seems to be some sort of problem...The Kids are emerging from the smoke now...giggling in rather deep voices I might add! No! It turns out they weren't children at all! Now that I get a better look at them they're midgets dressed up to look like children! Wow how did we miss that! The one dressed as newt has a mustache and a mullet! They must have been hot-boxing at the center of the asses! Whats this? It appears that Conner is creepily hugging the midget "John" crying profusely and rocking back and forth...well thats just awkward, I don't think she realizes that he is not her son...now we are seeing crazy in full effect!...Sensing an opening Ripley just threw Conner and the midget back into the smoky hole in the asses. The remaining asses have all fallen inward, effectively pinning Connor and the midget under a heaping pile of smoky, multi-hued, paper-mache ass-flesh! Ripley is now standing victoriously waving to the crowd! HOLY SHIT!

The float just blew up in a shower of pink puffy fist and penis pieces and emerging from the wreckage is a familiar looking black sedan with a homemade turret. Scrawled across the front is the word "Deathmobile", oh shit Jordan we better get the hell out of here. The driver is on a rampage, the downtown core is going to be nothing but rubble, there are assless leather chaps, feather boa's and cutoff jean shorts flying through the air everywhere I look. CARNAGE, aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, run for it!!!!

Someone definitely called shenanigans on the parade today Craig! Thanks again folks for tuning in and remember to tune in next Monday for another exiting match-up! By the way Craig, paying those midgets to pose as Newt and John was a stroke of genius on your part!

Ripley vs. Sarah Connor

2009-04-06T06:00:00.008-04:00

Battle of the Hard Sweaty Women

Jordan, we have our first two official female combatants this week on Monday Morning Fight Club. I mean I don't think you can count Prince Adam or Johnny 5, although it is definitely debatable. In one camp we have Ripley supreme ass kicker of all things Alien, in the other corner we have the equally hard, sweaty and badass Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. I very much doubt there will be any checking of makeup before this fight. Both combatants have reputations as being hard nosed ball busting ass kicking machines. This is going to be a tough one to call, both combatants definitely come ready for a fight. Sarah Connor has been victorious over several robot made robot killing machines?? While Ripley has killed an innumerable amount of possibly genetically engineered killer aliens, including the Momma of them all. In the end, I think the day will go to Ripley. My reason, simple. Sarah Connor has tried over and over to save her son John Connor. Ripley on the other hand only ever had one child, an Alien/human abomination mix, which she did not hesitate to discharge into the void of space. She is definitely hardcore and I think after a solid fight she will end up box stomping Sarah Connor.

Well Craig,they won't be checking their make up because this fight could be called "Battle of the man-hating bull-dykes "or "Battle of the straight up mean-looking bitches". On the one hand we have Ellen Ripley, mini afro wearing, heavy sleeping, wife beater and panty wearing, Alien hater. And on the other hand we have Sarah Connor, once permed, often crying single mom, Luddite, insane asylum resident. Ripley wakes up after taking an unexpected hyper-nap that lasted 57 years and is put right back in the shit along with a handful of colonial marines on a "Bug Hunt". Her only skills at this point were looking sad and operating a fancy "loader" but thanks to the careful tutelage of Cpl. Dwayne Hicks, she learns how to fire a gun and ends up kicking some serious alien ass. Sarah Connor, however was a Perm-having party girl/waitress who, after being stalked by a mechanical/Austrian killing machine, is taught how to fire a gun by a remarkably familiar looking Kyle Reese, time traveling nudist/soldier. To me, both these ladies have been similarly trained...by similar looking men therefore their skills should be about equal. Ripley may have a more impressive ass-kicking record, however never discount the shear aggressiveness of a crazy person. I have a feeling that Sarah Conner will be watching Ripley give her the molten "thumbs up".

2009-04-03T06:00:00.014-04:00

Hunt Down Play by Play!

Well Craig, here we are in the picturesque MacArthur arena in once beautiful down town Vanier. With the men's recreational tier 13 hockey action suspended for the evening, the arena is full of rabid fight fans for what promises to be an epic match up! Looking around the stands one can not help but notice the sheer number of mullets in attendance...this crowd must be heavily biased towards the Dog! The crowd is chanting...there is an earsplittingly painful theme being piped in over the P.A...the Zamboni gate is opening and in drives dog in an impressive, yet leased, black Denali. There seems to be a problem...the Denali isn't stopping, it's wheels have locked up and it careens across the ice into the far boards. Unfazed Dog and his posse of "Tim" and "Young Blood" (is that really his name?) pour out of the Denali and onto the ice...It appears that the Dogs wife is pinned behind the wheel due to the airbag, steering wheel and her ample chesticles, she is, however, cheering loudly for her man...as he and his posse figure how to stand and look intimidating while wearing cowboy boots in a hockey rink. Truly a thrilling entrance! The theme has subsided now, as the crowd waits, anxiously shoveling poutine into their pie holes, for the appearance of our second fighter... Wow! A huge hole has been blasted into the roof of the arena, and in hovers Boba Fett! and it looks like he has brought a posse of his own! Rappelling in behind him are; Dengar, the tubby, seeming always suffering a head wound bounty hunter, and IG88, purpose built assassin droid! Fun fact, before becoming an assassin for hire, IG88's first love was for fruity mixed drinks and beat poetry!

Boba Fett!!! Pffffft, poser!

Shocking insight Craig!, shocking. It looks like the Dog and his posse are still having trouble gaining any sort of traction on the ice...cowboy boots were a poor choice. Boba Fett is awkwardly leaning forward now...could it be...yes Fett has just launched his back pack mounted rocket....although it now appears that the rocket is more of an aesthetic choice rather than a viable weapon system...the rocket is just randomly flying around. The crowd, along with our combatants are mesmerized by the aerial display!..Eeesh, the rocket just took out a large portion of the shirtless, mulleted crowd...it is raining poutine, smoked meat, and chunks of concrete all over the place...Tim just got nailed by a wayward arena seat...putting him out of action...Dengar just took a sizable hunk of concrete right in the melon...lucky he was already pre-bandaged. "Young Blood" is either trying to convert or subdue Ig88 with a large can of mace, the all-metal assassin couldn't look less interested in tonight's event. Boba Fett has finally come in for a landing right in front of the Dog, who has managed to avoid most of the falling debris...although there does appear to be some smoked meat caught in his hair beads.

With their posses gone the bounty hunters are alone, face to face. Dog means business now, he's taking off his sunglasses/mp3 player. Although you can't see his face you can tell that Boba Fett is visibly shaken from the shear amount of wrinkles around Dog's eyes. Jordan, it must be like looking into the dark abyss of eternity,...but with a mullet!?! Now it looks like Dog is lecturing Boba Fett about kicking his"Ice" habit. What the hell is he talking about? Boba Fett looks just as confused as me and he's getting angrier by the second. Fett is pulling something out of his codpiece, it's big, it's bulbous, oh my god, it's a thermal detinator. Quick as flash Dog is going for his weapon of choice too and yes, it's his favorite can of Fox Lab's Pepper Spray. This is about to get ugly. Dog has unleashed the spray right in Fett's visor. Physically Fett is unaffected, he has pepper spray dripping off his helmet, but the mask blocked everything. Mentally he is freaking out, and there he goes folks, he has powered up his jet pack and is getting the hell out of here as fast as he can. Oooooooo bad luck for our trashy bounty hunter, the blast from Boba Fett's backpack has ignited the pepper spray vapor surrounding Dog and has completely fried his Mullet. I can't believe it, it's gone folks, Dog's mullet is gone in a spectacular flash of pepper spray induced greasy hair fire!

With Boba Fett retreating victoriously, and the Dog left sobbing over his fallen mullet at center ice, we have to give this one to...Boba Fett, and true to form he didn't really earn his own bounty...remarkable!

And there you have it folks, another impressive battle in the books! Thanks for tuning in this week, and remember to tune in next week for another exciting throw-down!

2009-03-30T06:00:00.014-04:00

Bounty Hunter....Hunt down?!?

Well its an exciting week this week on Monday Morning Fight Club! We have the sweet, yet epic match-up of Dog the Bounty Hunter vs Boba Fett! Both possess intimidating reputations, impressive costumes, and complicated arsenals... Who will collect the bounty in this weeks pounding!

Well Craig, at first glance I'd say that Boba Fett has the edge in gadgetry, I mean come on he has a freakin' jet pack that launches a missle! He has wrist thingys that shoot some sort of rope... he packs a mean looking blaster, and wears a sweet helmet with a periscope! Not to mention he rolls around in the kick ass, elephant head looking space ship, "Slave one". Where as Dog seems like a bit of a dud. He is just a shirtless, fanny pack wearing, born again, mulleteer! His arsenal includes several different applications of pepper spray...and a walkie-talkie. His inbred posse cruise around in a couple of SUVs and from what I can tell he wears MP3 playing sunglasses 24/7! I predict that Dog will be picking his teeth out of his dump in no time!

I don't know Jordan, it's tough to say on this one. Sure Boba Fett by all outward appearances should be scalping that nasty greasy mullet off of Dog. But he doesn't have much of a track record. Darth Vader did his nasty work for him in Empire, and the douche got boned by a near blind Han Solo in Jedi. Looks cool, but he's pretty much a bounty hunting poser. Dog is going to bend him over and fuck him in the ass like the rest of the poor white trash dope fiend hicks he chases down every day. If this were a battle of "Cool" Boba Fett would win hands down, but Dog, the greasy turd, has real life take downs under his belt and I believe he is going to give Boba Fett a proper hate fuckin'.

2009-03-27T06:00:00.014-04:00

How the Robot Shit Went Down

Well folks, here we are again in what looks to be the hollow, broken down shell of an abandoned old Nortel Building somewhere in Kanata . A band of ragged looking hobos have pushed some flaming garbage cans together in the shape of a ring around our two mechanical combatants; Bender and Johnny 5. Neither seem all that interested in fighting at the moment...wait whats this.. the Hobo king is standing up on his throne... I can't quite make out his face but he does seem somewhat familiar. It can't be....he looks just like Steve Guttenberg, once marginally popular 80's film star! It is him...Johnny 5 is spinning wildly with joy! Wait...I've lost track of Bender....Craig do you see where our other robot ruffian is?

Jordan, I believe that is Bender standing in the crowd watching Johnny 5, he's just standing there drinking straight out of a bottle of bourbon and smoking a cigar. He looks very unimpressed with Johnny 5's antics, who is now going from hobo to hobo asking if they "are a pepper too". I believe he is trying to score a Dr. Pepper in his own retarded little way. Steve Guttentard has started to mingle with some of his hobo minions and it looks like he is shooting his mouth off about the top of the line platinum and gold components he used when making Johnny 5. I've got to throw it out there Jordan, but what - a - bonehead. Johnny 5 is in trouble now, it looks like Bender overheard some of Guttentard's conversation. Yup, you don't have to be a lip reader to see that the fluctuating lines on Bender's mouth display mean he is in the throws of evil laughter. That evil laugh and the dollar signs now flashing in eye box can only mean one thing, Johnny 5 is fucked folks, Johnny 5 is F-U-C-K-E-D!

Not since that AT-AT crushed Luke's snowspeeder have I ever seen a one sided beat down like this. Bender has actually ripped one of Johnny's arms off and is beat him with it yelling "why are you hitting yourself?!?" in between bursts of crazed laughter! It's times like these that I think we should institute a mercy rule...there is liquor and motor oil everywhere now...quite unsightly! Look out! Bender has accidentally smacked the Guttentard right in the grill will the severed arm! Johnny 5 has given up his search for the prune-flavoured soft drink! his eyebrows are furrowing....menacingly...and they are now starting to glow red! His laser do-hickey seems to be powering up! Hobos are running for cover! Craig, Bender may indeed be boned!

Here comes the laser blast, but no, at the last second Bender tosses one of the dirtier hobos in the way and a few stray puppies for good measure. Johnny 5 is devastated, he cannot believe the carnage he has just caused. Bender is climbing up his back like a spider monkey, I think he is going for the laser. Yes, yes, ooooooooohhh my god, he just ripped the laser right off of Johnny 5's back. This is typical of Bender, he is now using the laser to melt down Johnny 5's gold and platinum parts. Johnny 5 is finished folks, he is a now a pile of cheap unwanted metal parts. Bender is still busy smithing that metal he took, and look at that Jordan he has just crafted himself one fancy looking crunk glass with all those precious metals. He is now sitting on a throne made of hobos sipping $5 bourbon out of his new crunk glass and smoking the butt end of a stogie he took out of Guttentard's busted yapper. Truly one for the record books Jordan.

Indeed Craig, truly remarkable...Thanks again for stopping by folks, be sure to stop by again Monday morning for another exciting match up! Don't forget to vote!

2009-03-23T06:00:00.018-04:00

Full on Robot Battle!

Well folks this weeks exciting match-up features two metallic masters of mayhem, two tin titans of turmoil, two mechanical monsters of mass destruction, Johnny 5 and Bender! Who will dismantle who when these robotic fiends meet in battle?!?

If this was 1988 maybe Johnny 5 might stand a chance. Guess what, it's 2009 folks and Johnny 5 is going to be taking a long hard suck on Bender's shiny metal ass. Sure Johnny 5 is equipped with some fancy weapons, but come on, he was invented by Steve Guttentard and he is way too friendly for his own good. Bender is cold blooded yo! He's going to lull Johnny 5 into a false sense of robot brotherhood and then lay a horrific drunken pounding on the big robot. Let's face it after all, Johnny 5 is just an older more challenged version of Wall-e.

I think that this battle will come down to motivation. At first I thought Johnny 5 will win this match hands down...He is a purpose-built killbot armed with a crazy ass nuclear powered laser gun, and lets not forget that treads instead of feet will always be considered badass! But he is a lover and not a fighter and unless Bender threatens to hurt/maim/kill the possibly gay guy from Police Academy, the wierd goth girl from The Breakfast Club or Fisher Stevens cashing in on outdated 80's racist sterotypes, Johnny will be too busy picking flowers to fight anyone. Bender, on the other hand, is a purpose-built bending unit and has no offensive weapons. His greatest skill, out side of mass consumption of acohol, is bending steel gurders to precise angles (it should be noted that Johnny 5 is not a steel gurder). That being said, Bender should not be under-estimated. While not armed, he has in the past demonstrated an incredible level of deviousness, cunning, self-preservation, and greed. If Bender can figure out a way to profit from Johnny 5's demise, then I have to give this fight to him. He is just that sneaky.

Be sure to vote and feel free to let us know how you think the fight will go down by leaving a comment!

2009-03-20T06:00:00.001-04:00

Fur Underwear Wearing Swordsmen Play by Play

It's another beautiful Thursday night here at the Gloucester center food court. A small but exuberant crowd has gathered to form a crude ring where our two fur-laden adversaries will do battle! Oh...the crowd is parting...and in steps Prince Adam, son of King Randor and next-in-line to the throne of Eternia...he looks a little nervous, some might say meek....he is cautiously waving to the crowd now..he seems to have singled out two young men from the Footlocker and appears to be chatting them up... Oh that entrance music can only mean one thing...and there he is, Conan, some say "the Barbarian", others "the Destroyer", has made his way into the ring opposite Prince Adam! They are staring each other down now...any moment this could erupt into a savage battle....Conan reaches for his sword...and ...wait...oh, he appears to have begun an elaborate "pose down" sequence...still posing...still posing...and now he seems to be smearing what looks to be hummus and tabbouleh on himself in an awkward camouflage pattern. Truly unique! Okay, it looks like the fellas from Footlocker have pushed Prince Adam towards the center of the ring...combat is immanent! wait, the royal douche is reaching for something...its his sword! He is pointing is skyward and....oh that looked pretty lame actually. It appears as if Prince Adam has set off some cheap pyrotechnics to distract the crowd while he quickly removed his clothes. He is posing triumphantly, now calling himself He-man, in what only can be called massive over-compensation. And now he is just standing there....come on people fight! Somebody hit somebody already!

This should be a good match once it gets started, or at least an interesting match. I mean here we have two individuals that both fuck Skeletor on a daily basis, it will be interesting to see how they handle each other. Here we go, Conan just lunged at He-man with his gigantic sword. By the way Jordan, some people thought his sword looked smaller after he hit the roids last year, but Prince Adam...I mean He-man still looks pretty impressed. Conan is still charging and screaming something in a muffled gutteral dialect, that almost sounds like English. Wow, and look at the gap between those teeth, Conan could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence with those babies. By the looks of the super-douche turned He-man, he's hoping Conan is going to put something else in his mouth though. And here it comes, He-man has parried Conan's blow with his own massive instrument of death. That is one well used sword, wow. He-man should clean it more often though, look at all the rust up and down the length of the shaft, I wonder how that got there?

Indeed!....I'm sorry Craig, I wasn't listening. Beside me here in the booth She-ra, Evil-Lyn, and Teela are debating different bikini waxing techniques and the relative comfort of leather vs metal corsets, truly remarkable!...Back to you Craig!

He-man has just mounted Battle Cat, the Footlocker boys seem very impressed by this. Conan is panicking, he is running from one side of the food court to the other looking for a way out. Jordan I definitely think he is going to make a break for it. I think the big cat has tipped this battle in He-man's favor. Hold on now, Conan has just grabbed a large bundle of knitting wool from the bargain bin at a defunct Bouclair and is taunting battle cat with it. Battle Cat's pupil's just dialated to the size of saucers he is enthralled with the wool. He hits it with a powerul right, then a left, and he's following through with a massive flurry of blows. It,... it looks like He-man is dismounting to let the cat go and play, and there he goes off to chat up his new friends from Footlocker. Conan has resumed his elaborate pose down and is looking for someone to oil him up.

I think we may have to go to the judges for a decision on this one Jordan.

Judges? it looks like the mall is closing Craig, the janitor is furiously flipping the lights on and off. We will have to wait for an eventual and decisive rematch of this battle. Hopefully the competitors will get around to hitting each other next time....overall I can't be more disappointed by this conclusion...a tie!?! Ridiculous!

And there you have it folks another battle for the ages! Thanks for voting this week and stay tuned because next Monday we will have another exciting match-up here at Monday Morning Fight Club! Be sure leave your comments to let us know how you think the fight will go down!

He-Man vs. Conan

2009-03-16T06:00:00.002-04:00

It's a battle of the fur underwear wearing swordsmen!

Well Craig, I have to tell you that I am pretty excited for this weeks match up...I think both these idiots are long over due for a severe beating! In one corner we have He-Man,the muscle bound alter ego of Eternian super-douche Prince Adam. And in the other corner we have the wheel-of-pain pushing, lover of all things Crom...Conan! Truly a match up for the ages.

Dude I gotta give this one to Conan, this guy is a true badass. I mean, when asked what is best in life, Conan responded with "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women". This guy is all about the pounding. Don't get me wrong, Prince Adam is all about the pounding too, but a different kind of pounding if you know what I mean. The fact that he likes to get dressed up with leather and chains when he goes out with the boys speaks volumes. He-man can ride his big green furry cat straight to the reaming for all I care.

Even though these two homoerotic barbarian icons look to be

evenly matched, personally I give the edge to He-man in this fight. Conan is little more that a muscular drunk, who hates snakes and magic, hangs around Grace Jones, and at his smartest managed to memorize all three lines of "the riddle of steel". Whereas He-man rides around on a giant green tiger named "Battle Cat", has a huge and diverse posse, and chills out at Castle Greyskull (which has to be the most imposing caslte ever associated with a "good guy").

2009-03-12T19:00:00.003-04:00

Space Commander Play by Play!

Well here we are on a glorious Thursday night at the Sobey's in Barrhaven. A small crowd has assembled to witness a titanic battle of space-faring commanders! Captain Kirk, his cart full of hungry-man dinners and spray cheese, just rounded the frozen food aisle and is now making his way to the seafood counter, he's pointing hungrily at a lobster in the tank when...Ackbar rides in out of nowhere on a shopping cart! He did not drop out of light speed too early on that one! His surprise attack sends the tubby sex-addict reeling into a tower of marshmallow spread jars! Now displaying a diagonal cut on his uniform, Kirk is quickly back on his feet and the two square off! Just where did that cut come from Craig? He always manages the exact same wardrobe malfunction every time he fights!

Wardrobe malfunction, now that is one sloppy tit that I do not need to see. Ackbar sure is getting worked up, look at those eyelids blink, it's almost hypnotizing. He's blinking faster and faster, and look at this it's throwing Kirk into seizures. For a nasty crotch smelling rebel admiral he sure is crafty. I think he is going in for the kill Jordan. Those fake looking shitty plastic claws sure look menacing right now.

Indeed they do Craig! But I don't think Kirk is having any kind of seizure...In a true display of good sportsmanship he could be timing his movements and speech to coincide with the Admirals blinking...either that or he just moves and talks like a giant space 'tard! It doesn't matter now because here comes a two-handed tomahawk chop from the mustard shirted pervert! Oooooo, that had to hurt, the big fish took that one in the gills! They are both staggering now, this fight has dragged on for over three minutes! Neither of the fighter are displaying any kind of physical conditioning or desire to continue...truly sad to behold!

Ouch and look at that, the big squid has shit himself from exertion. Pardon me, that's actually Ackbar's Ink cache. For those of you that don't know, squirting ink out his rectum is the Admirals main flight mechanism. This one is over folks, Ackbar is too ashamed to go on, he is now calling for a jizz mopper to come and clean him up. Look at this folks, Ackbar's wife and daughter have come out to give the shamed admiral some encouragement and moral support. Jordan, I can't believe what I'm seeing, Kirk in a true display of tastelessness is hitting on Ackbar's daughter and playing a bit of grab ass with his wife. Kirk truly does want to go where no man has gone before. Shameful, shameful indeed.

Right you are Craig! Shameful. Todays winner is Captain Kirk by default as Admiral Ackbar was too ashamed to continue. Thank you for voting this week and stay tuned to Monday Morning Fight Club next Monday for another exciting match up! Hint: Mullets and a Big Cat!

Admiral Ackbar vs Captain Kirk

2009-03-09T06:00:00.003-04:00

Space commander show down!

Kirk, alone beams down to a remarkably familiar deserted planet, after delivering a long winded monologue on the fate of man amongst the stars, Admiral Ackbar, fresh from an Attack-the-Death-Star conference call, jumps out and confronts him! On one side we have the fishy rebel admiral and on the other, the quintessential cosmic Lothario. who will come out on top?

Well Craig, this is a geeks wet-dream-of-a-match-up, Floppy Fish vs Fat n'Bald!. It could be a close one. Kirk would no-doubt try to seduce the Admiral first, throwing a barrage of stilted movements and his own brand of poorly....delivered....pick...up.... lines. At this point the Admiral would easily deduce; "It's a Trap" and backhand the portly Starfleet stooge with his lobster claw/flipper. Reeling from the blow, Kirk's new tactic would be to try and fashion some sort of rudimentary weapon out of the materials at hand, but lacking any real skills (and Spock's help) he would resort to bashing the stinky rebel with the largest available stick. Sucking wind and blinking repeatedly, the admiral would decide to fall back and wait for things to tip into his favor. Like-wise, Kirk would be winded by now by the extended physical exertion and he would retreat to the nearest available cover and wait for Spock to show up and save his sorry ass. Tired from the fight, and more than a little disappointed from the lack of inter-species love-making, Kirk would relax the girdle and take a nap. Having out-waited his opponent, Ackbar executes a sneak attack and feeds Kirk his teeth, after all this guy did lead the attack that destroyed the second Death Star so you know he has big fishy balls!.

Simply said Kirk is going to fuck Ackbar's shit up good. Kirk has fucked, and fucked up more aliens than anyone else in the known universe. Ackbar and his floppity latex shit suit are screwed. That calamari eating mother-fucker isn't going to be able to blink his way out of this one.

2009-03-08T23:59:00.001-04:00

Play by Play of the Tall Hairy Showdown!

Well it looks like the big Wookie has the jump on Sas. He has managed to start the match off by sneaking up on Sasquatch's back while he was munching on twigs and berries. This one is going to be over in a hurry. Wait...what's this...holy shit, he's blown it. Chewbacca just let out a blood curdling Wookie war cry. What..an..idiot. He's given Sas time to go into a defensive stance.

Craig, I don't know if I have something in my eye or not, but I can't seem to focus on the Sasquatch...he looks like a big blurry turd....an angry turd!. And that angry, blurry turd just picked up a pretty big looking branch and is waving it around menacingly. But wait, what is Chewie doing? It looks like he's taking off his bandoleer, he must be getting down to business!. Although, now they both look like big hairy turds...just one of them is slightly out of focus! This is turning into quite the confusing battle!By the looks of it, these two giant dingle-berries are cautiously sizing each other up...eesh, one hair-pile lunged at the other and now they a grappling greco-roman style, I can't tell them apart, let alone who is winning. It seems that this battle has reached a stalemate!

Wait, what is going on here, now it looks like two hairy turds wrestling in slow motion, and all I can hear is that annoying "ch ch ch ch" sound. Ah huh now I know whats going on, look over there, here comes Steve Austin to save Samsquatch. This is turning out to be a 70s tard party. Oh my god, the 6 million dollar man just ripped off Sasquatch's arm by accident, that's gotta hurt. And there goes two more arms!! Chewie just ripped off both of Steve Austin's arms. Wow, Chewie is on a rampage now he is pulling apart that hungry hungry hippo...wait, hold on, that's Rosie O'Donnell where'd she come from?

I've got to tell you Craig, I...did...not...see...that...coming. This fight has turned into a limp pile of sweaty, hairy backs and miscellaneous mechanical parts...and there looks to be nothing left of what was once a Rosie O'Donnell. Wait...I see movement...I looks like one NBA sized hair piece is emerging victoriously from the pile! It is Chewbacca, life debt owing copilot to a Nerf herder, and winner of our first ever show down....oh wait...this is unprecedented...the Wookie is taking a dump on the spent remains of Sasquatch...quite unsportsmanlike!

Thanks for tuning in folks, be sure to check out this weeks new match up and don't forget to vote!

2009-03-03T07:52:00.009-05:00

This weeks epic match up features two very worthy adversaries;

Chewbacca vs Sasquatch!

Personally I think Chewie walks away with this one!

Facts: He can service a hyperdrive so he has the edge in intelligence. He can rip arms out of their sockets and he wears a bandoleer...two words; Blaster Crossbow, talk about bad ass! All the Sasquatch can do is lumber around and be slightly out of focus....lame! Sas's only hope is that some inbred, foul smelling hippie will intervene. In the end Sasquatch doesn't stand a chance!

I'm with you on this one.

Chewie is extra mad these days. He was infuriated by Sasquatch's comments leading up to the match. Sasquatch criticised Chewie after Chewie denied his very existance. Sasquatch was quoted as saying "ChewSacka will believe in me after I plant my BigFoot in his hairy starfish". This is going to be a bigger hairy mess than my back. Watch out!!

And there you have it folks, the historic, first ever match up. Please feel free to vote and help us decide the out come. A blow-by-blow account of the real fight will appear before next week's Monday Morning Fight Club throw down!